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My wife is home all day with the baby. We moved from the States to Australia so she could be closer to her family and so she could have support for her family. The baby is now 3 months old. Well, I get up at 5am every day to go to work. I iron all my clothes, etc. yet and still, when its time for me to go to work, my wife is like "here's the baby" and hands him to me while I am trying to get dressed! On top of that, I cook dinner, do most of the cleaning, all while she is home during the day, or out with the family that was supposed to lighten the burden. Yes my son cries sometimes and is difficult, but so is working 5am to 5pm. And guess what happens when I walk in the door from work? My wife hands me the baby, or says "its time to bathe him." So I get nearly ZERO time for myself, and I am beginning to resent it. Last night I went to bed thinking "I hate what my life has become." I have moved to a different country just for my wife, I work and it feels like I have to do everything except nurse the baby and change the diapers. If I am the bread winner, shouldnt dinner be ready for me, my clothes be ironed. whatever? When I get home from work my wife often says to me "whats for dinner." I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
You need to sit down with your wife and talk about this. I have read through your other posts and certainly it looks like this is not a 50-50 situation in terms of your marriage. I don't think cultural differences can account for most of this.
The first months of having a baby can be quite difficult. It does sound like your wife has help though from her family and is able to go out and do many things. You should sit down and talk to her about balance. It is not fair to expect either of you to shoulder so much of the burden of household care alone.
Just tell her like it is - she's not doing her job (looking after you) and you expect her to do better. See where that gets you.
And when you get home at 5pm and think your work day is over, take a minute to think about when her work day should be over. While you're on your lunch break, think about how much of a lunch break she should be entitled to.
I have to agree with a few other posters on here, it seems as though your wife is taking advantage of you. I have raised 5 babies and somehow in the midst of all that, cleaned house, washed clothes, cooked, ironed, took care of the other kids and whatever else needed to be taken care of. So it can be done. Was she like this before you moved closer to her family? You need to talk to her, calmly and rationally, perhaps she doesn't know you are feeling resentful.
Considering only that she takes care of the child for 12 hours, and you work for 12 hours, that means everything is equal thus far. Do not begin comparing if you are having an easier time at work or if her time at home is easier, it is equal!
Now once this twelve hours is over and before it has began you and your wife must share the responsibilities for the next 12 hours, that is equal too.
It sounds like your wife is being unfair, it also sounds as if you are too. Expecting to work 12 hours and call it a day and do nothing else means she has to work full-time 24 hours, not fair at all.
However this is resolved remember it is not a finite game where either you or her win but an infinite game where the family wins, if playing as simply her vs me then the family will lose.
Do not play in hopes of winning an exact outcome, that is being too serious and rigid.
Do not play or make her play within the exact boundaries you envision, instead both of you need to play with the boundaries themselves. For example do not expect this responsibility will be yours and that will be hers and that is that. Why cannot you cook for 3 days and her for 4 and then alternate? Or have her do all the cooking and you something else, or vice verse?
In either case at this rate the marriage will fail unless this is addressed and resolved (which means compromise). Nothing comes perfect, too many people want to give up on marriage when they don't get their way, but marriage is not about one person but both.
It is hard to understand but once a dish is cooked one cannot simply go and take out the ingredients and believe the dish will be the same, the dish is your family, perhaps you guys are just using the wrong spices or do not even have the heat on? Cook a beautiful dish now, yes that means to passionately argue about this, then caringly resolve it, you are not fighting for yourself but on behalf of continuing the marriage.
And when I sit around with her family members they have no problem telling me "women rule this family and men are expected to acquiese" so there has been bred in me, a response.
We have an Australian male member who posts in the parenting forum fairly often. Can't remember his user name. Someone here will tell you.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to him. I don't think this attitude is Australian. His posts portray him as a ruler of his roost.
people are always lookign to discredit someone. My wife has cousins that are parents, might they not be in this forum. I dont want the specifics of who I am and where I live to be known so i vary them from time to time. that you felt the need to search for some way to discredit me is telling and that you ran and posted it is telling too. Yes I did move from the US to a foreign country with my wife, but I will not name it. too many things show up on google, too many things are trackable and I purposely made up the two countries to disguise where I really am. You can not believe the story if you want, but I can assure you I am hoppin mad about this.
In closing let me say ppl like you, who are WAY too invested in internet personas, are lame. I would NEVER take the time to search through a posters post. I have a life to live!
Forget my last post. You might not be in Australia. It would be irrelevant.
Knowing the country could help us identify if it's a mindset specific to the country where you live----women running the families.
If you're not comfortable enough to share the real country (many people mix up facts to protect identity), I"m not sure how we can give you relevant advice.
And when I sit around with her family members they have no problem telling me "women rule this family and men are expected to acquiese" so there has been bred in me, a response. My wife has tried to bully me on more than one occasion, treating our son like a possession, telling me I cant post his pics on facebook where I post them so my family members, who are my friends on facebook, can see them. I have come home on many occasions and cooked and cleaned I get up at 5am to CLEAN THE HOUSE before leaving for work so she doesnt have to do a thing and can move freely. I have tried and now I am angry. What you heard was anger.
Well, that's as plain as your wife and her family can make it. It sounds like you and your wife have differing expectations of what your roles are, and if you are unhappy with the situation you need to talk with her and see if compromise can be worked out. In my family it's the exact opposite with males and females, so trust me when I tell you it's not an easy thing to do. Is there anyway you can scale back your work hours and have her work part time? That might allow both of you more balance between work and raising your baby.
In his first post, he says he is moved to Australia so his wife could be closer to her family. If he is in a different country, expectations could be very different.
My wife is home all day with the baby. We moved from the States to Australia so she could be closer to her family and so she could have support for her family. The baby is now 3 months old. Well, I get up at 5am every day to go to work. I iron all my clothes, etc. yet and still, when its time for me to go to work, my wife is like "here's the baby" and hands him to me while I am trying to get dressed! On top of that, I cook dinner, do most of the cleaning, all while she is home during the day, or out with the family that was supposed to lighten the burden. Yes my son cries sometimes and is difficult, but so is working 5am to 5pm. And guess what happens when I walk in the door from work? My wife hands me the baby, or says "its time to bathe him." So I get nearly ZERO time for myself, and I am beginning to resent it. Last night I went to bed thinking "I hate what my life has become." I have moved to a different country just for my wife, I work and it feels like I have to do everything except nurse the baby and change the diapers. If I am the bread winner, shouldnt dinner be ready for me, my clothes be ironed. whatever? When I get home from work my wife often says to me "whats for dinner." I know a child is a lot of work, believe me, but I get the feeling my wife is slacking and its beginning to make me angry. I know she hasnt lived in her home country for 5 years, but we have been back in her home country for nearly 8 months and I think she's just having a holiday with her family and forgetting about taking care of the home.
relax man ,pull yourself together, and just consolation in the fact that it's WAY easier to go to work for 12 hours than it is to stay home with a baby. I think it's You who doesn't get it.
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