5 year old , horrible behavior. Not sure how to handle. (punishment, teenager, out of control)

[NYMD67]

Hi

I have come to this forumn many times before and found that sometimes the advice is ,well, really not advice at all, but more criticism than anything.
I don't live near family or friends so am just at a loss right now.

We have a 5 year old who just started Kindergarten. For the most part, she is a very loving,caring & happy child. Unfortunately though, she has a terrible time listening to anything that is asked of her by both my husband & I.
The least little thing can turn into a huge tantrum and they are getting more frequent since school has started.
I am sure part of it is the adjustment to school, the long days & being tired when she gets home. Unfortunately though, it ruins our evenings & most of the mornings as well.

As I type, she is upstairs in her room screaming,yelling,kicking in her room because we asked her to wash her hands before dinner. The same exact thing happened on Friday evening and this morning as well.
She was brought to school still with a red face from all her crying & carrying on before school.

We have another daughter who it is affecting as well, she is tired of the tantrums, and hearing her dad & I yell all the time. It is causing alot of strain & stress that isn't needed.
We have tried pretty much everything, taking things away, not allowing tv ,no snacks,no playground after school, that type of thing. She has been sent to her room countless number of times with many heart to heart talks, but nothing seems to work.
We will not spank her. Not an option for us.

I am also concerned because she is somewhat of a "tomboy" and only wants to play with the boys at school. This is continued on from preschool where for the most part, her only friends' were boys. She goes around the house imitating the boys playing w/guns ,monsters,etc...
I can't stand it. I know that this behavior is probably causing the little girls to stray away from her during school and it breaks my heart.

My daughter is a good girl, she isn't mean to people but I am worried about her behavior and am just looking for any helpful advice anyone may have.

[KylieEve]

What time does she go to bed at night? Does she sleep well? Maybe she is overtired? That would be my first thought.
Secondly, what does she value the most or what does she like doing more than anything else in the world? The next time she throws a tantrum take that thing away. Be consistent and take it away each time she throws a tantrum.
How does everyone react to her fits? Do they pay attention to her when she is having a fit?

[rockinmomma]

I am sorry that you feel you've been criticized instead of given advice.

If you follow through with discipline (not necessarily spanking) for her misbehavior, eventually it will diminish. What do you think is the reason behind her acting out more now? Could it be lack of 'control' over her actions? For example, she HAS to go to school, she HAS to wash her hands, she HAS to eat breakfast before school, she HAS to do her homework, etc etc etc. Can you give her some choices so that she feels she has some kind of control over her own choices? For example, 'Sally' can was her hands at the kitchen sink with the sprayer or in her bathroom with Tinkerbell soap. I would not omit the trips to the playground if your oldest daughter is missing out. I would take youngest, but make her sit on the bench while her sister plays. Be sure to make the punishment fit the crime. Tell her you will ask 3 times. She looses 5 minutes the first time you ask (and she doesn't follow through), 10 more the next time you ask, and if you have to ask 3 times, she sits out the entire time. Give her control directly over the consequences.

As for her playing with only boys, I wouldn't sweat that. Boy games are more fun and energetic. Little girls will get together soon enough and then you will have little girl drama. Boys play more straightforward with rules that do not change with whether they are 'mad' at their playmate or not. My oldest is a boy... has always been a boy's boy. Star Wars, dinosaurs and pirates oozed from him. Funny thing was, he was always surrounded by little girls. Even now that he is in high school, he has many female friends. lol, we tease him by calling him 'pimp' because whenever we (DH and I are the preferred transport parents among his friends) because we'll be picking up five or so girls to drop them at the mall or community activity. I think this is great for him, because he has learned to see girls as people.... not just breasts. He has an amazing grasp on how to avoid and diffuse drama.

Your daughter is way too young for her male friends to be anything other than playmates, but it is great that she can feel comfortable in her own skin around boys. When she is a teenager, you will not have as big of an issue with her feeling her body isn't 'pretty enough'. She has learned that she can be exactly who she is and doesn't have to act a certain way just to make a boy happy.

Let her be who she is. She does need to follow rules (washing hands, cleaning room, respect), but that is completely separate from her choice of playmates.

[kel6604]

Originally Posted by NYMD67

Hi

I have come to this forumn many times before and found that sometimes the advice is ,well, really not advice at all, but more criticism than anything.
I don't live near family or friends so am just at a loss right now.

We have a 5 year old who just started Kindergarten. For the most part, she is a very loving,caring & happy child. Unfortunately though, she has a terrible time listening to anything that is asked of her by both my husband & I.
The least little thing can turn into a huge tantrum and they are getting more frequent since school has started.
I am sure part of it is the adjustment to school, the long days & being tired when she gets home. Unfortunately though, it ruins our evenings & most of the mornings as well.

As I type, she is upstairs in her room screaming,yelling,kicking in her room because we asked her to wash her hands before dinner. The same exact thing happened on Friday evening and this morning as well.
She was brought to school still with a red face from all her crying & carrying on before school.

We have another daughter who it is affecting as well, she is tired of the tantrums, and hearing her dad & I yell all the time. It is causing alot of strain & stress that isn't needed.
We have tried pretty much everything, taking things away, not allowing tv ,no snacks,no playground after school, that type of thing. She has been sent to her room countless number of times with many heart to heart talks, but nothing seems to work.
We will not spank her. Not an option for us.

I am also concerned because she is somewhat of a "tomboy" and only wants to play with the boys at school. This is continued on from preschool where for the most part, her only friends' were boys. She goes around the house imitating the boys playing w/guns ,monsters,etc...
I can't stand it. I know that this behavior is probably causing the little girls to stray away from her during school and it breaks my heart.

My daughter is a good girl, she isn't mean to people but I am worried about her behavior and am just looking for any helpful advice anyone may have.

I will work backwards with my advice....if she like to play with boys and play boy games let her do it. If some girls choose not to play those things with her that's fine, some will. My son is in kindergarten and has always played with girls a lot (since preK), he plays house and stuff like that. Somwtimes the boys won't play ball with him when he wants to join in. It happens, but I don't think it's because he plays house.

Now your first problem, the fits.... My advice would be, as soon as she starts a fit send her to her room. If she won't go physically take her there, then tell her when she is finished having a fit she can come out and ~~insert what the fit was over~~ and THEN you will talk to her. I know this is nearly impossible in the morning before school. At that time I would say pick your battles. If the fight is over eating breakfast and she doesn;t want, let her not eat. If she won't get dressed, dress her yourself. So on and so on. If you do this and basically don't even acknowledge her fits she'll learn really fast that fits get you nowhere. Oh, AND, don't hault the whole family when she's fitting in her room. If you were going to go out and play, still take her sibling out to play. If it was dinner time have the whole family (but her) sit down eat and clean up as normal. She'll learn fast that is she spends her time tantrumming she'll be missing out on what's going on.

[lisdol]

First I'd address the sleep issue b/c that sounds kind of like overtired to me combined with maybe some anxiety with starting Kindergarten.

It might not be it. But if it is it can really help.

When my kids get overtired or really anxious/strung out/stressed out and get irritable like that I have found a long bath (and I have one who will take a one-hour bath just to melt away his grouchiness and one who will take 30-40 minute baths to melt away his hyperactivity) and a good 10-12 hours of sleep over a few nights to help ease some of the problems.

If it doesn't work, by all means I endorse some of the other suggestions as well.

[Kibbiekat]

I agree with the other advice given so far. Some of it could be adjustment to a new school schedule. Give choices when possible - do you want hot cereal or cold cereal? Do you want to wear your pink shirt or your blue shirt? Ignore tantrums - do not give in no matter what. Be consistent with consequences. Eventually it should work.

[reebo]

I agree with above. Also, try to stop yelling. It just ratchets up the energy and not in a good way. And, yes, I know how impossible this sounds. Once we stopped yelling, the intensity was taken down a notch and neither I nor my daughter felt so out of control. Plus, if you never yell, when you do, it really gets their attention.

[gimme it]

you got some really good advice. I would also look into whether she reacts differently after sugar, dairy or wheat. Some kids act out behaviorally when there are food allergies. Also, look at your relationship with your husband. Is there anything going on that she is trying to distract you both from? For example are you two arguing a lot? Finally, "catch her being good", which means make sure you praise her whenever she is being kind, polite, sweet, cooperative, etc, and ignore the tantrums when possible. I know you can't ignore them in the mornings before school. Good luck.

[treeg26]

I also agree with maybe putting her to bed earlier. My kids have always needed more sleep than other kids their age and are miserable to be around when they don't get enough sleep.

My one daughter would act like that when she was hungry, too. Maybe small snacks here & there will help (cut up apples, carrots, ect.).

Good luck, Mom! Hang in there!!

[121804]

I suggest the book Love & Logic.

I've never been a reader of parenting books as I feel they are designed for sales more than anything else...but this book was recommeded to me through my MOPS group & hit home w/ me beyond belief. It touches on the temper issues in every chapter.

My middle child throws some massive tantrums. I have found putting him in his room does nothing but make it worse. Instead, I grab hold of him, hug him, and do not say a word. When the he calms down, the issue gets discussed. I also relate some of it to low blood sugar & being overtired. Other times, it is purely his tempermant. It can be beyond challenging. Good luck.