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A divorced mother in her late 20's, has an 8 year old child. Dad has regular visitation with his child. Mom is fed up with son's tantrums and anger issues. He has been physically violent in the past, and is openly defiant toward mom. Aunts and extended family also experience the disrespect from the child but to a lesser extent.
Mom's latest issue is that she has had it up to *here* with son's tantrums and anger outbursts in public. She cannot grocery shop without son making a scene, thus forcing her to leave the store. He would rather not go to the store with mom so he wins (each time).
My advice was that mom needs to change her pattern of interaction with son. Even if he tantrums, she needs to continue shopping. She dismissed my advice saying she doesnt want to cause a scene and it's easier to just go home. I reply with, 'well he's going to throw a tantrum anyway so continue shopping and set the pattern that you will not give in to this behavior'.
I agree that she needs to change her interaction with him - but I wouldn't start with a public place like the grocery store. It's not fair to everyone else there. This should have been addressed years ago but better late than never.
This is a perfect example of how leaving the store with misbehaving toddlers can perpetuate bad public behavior when children become older. I have never been an advocate of leaving the store. Make them suffer after the tantrum and they never tantrum again.
Regardless, I doubt the OP's friend isn't going to leave the store. No matter how much the OP encourages her to do so. The OP probably has some sort of social anxiety and feels embarrassed when her son freaks out in public. I doubt any amount of encouragement would help the mother change her ways.
In this situation, I think it might be best to solve the problem a different way. The mother needs to figure out what the child values. She needs to sit him down on a non-shopping day and explain that he will only earn being permitted to do/have that one thing if the behaves in the grocery store. On grocery shopping day, she needs to remind him of that in the car prior to entering the store. (He will definitely test her. She needs to be prepared to follow through with the punishment afterwards.)
When he misbehaves in the store, remove him from the store like usual, but instill the punishment of removing the item or activity he values the most-----until he behaves in the grocery store. This isn't a punishment that should only last for the day or the next day. It's a punishment that stays in place. If she shops once a week and it takes him three trips to behave, then his punishment lasts three weeks. She has to be strong. She can't give in, not even once or it's worthless to try.
Really the longer she gives in to this behavior the worse it will get. This sounds like a 3 year old. Has he been tested for all the problems kids have now like allergies, ADD- anti discipline disorder?
Yeah, the only options here are give in, or force the customers of the store have to endure the temper tantrums right along with mom, for however long they last. And if the manager tells mom "you know, I'm sorry you're having a tough time of it today Mrs. Smith, but I'm gonna have to ask you to bring your child outside until he's calmed down." because he's gotten several complaints, which he can barely hear over the screaming, just dig her heels in and flat out refuse and tell that mean ole manager to stuff it cause she's trying to teach her child a lesson.
OR.....
Try a third alternative - since I'm sure she's been into the store before and knows the layout, and knows where customer service is, she could start at the C-Serve desk and ask the clerk "if I need to discipline my child during this shopping trip, may I please leave my cart here for several minutes?"
And I'm sure the C-Serve clerk will be glad to oblige.
Then, if the kid acts up, bring the cart to the desk, get the kid, take him outside the store, sit him down and sit WITH him..and deal with it until he calms down. Then, bring him back into the store, retrieve your cart, and continue the shopping expedition. Do this consistently every single time he acts up, until he gets tired of having tantrums. Which, he WILL get tired of, because he'll see that he won't be getting his way. Yes, you'll be stepping out of the store, but the shopping trip will -not- end just because he throws a hissy fit.
this is a difficult one, i mean on one hand the child just needs to suffer through the tantrum, however on the other hand it is not fair to the other shoppers to have to do their grocery shopping with some kid wailing at the top of his or her lungs
id have to side with hopes here with grounding them from something, and actually remove it from his reach if possible (in the attic or basement or bury it in a closet or cabinet while he isnt looking)
or as long as there is gas in the car and it has AC or heat just go back out to the car, and sit there, let him throw his tantrum there, one of two things will happen, either he will put 2 and 2 together and realize he isnt going to get his way, or he will lose his voice, either way, then the shopping can continue
2) About the second time I got smacked in the mouth for raising a ruckass, I quit.
Well, the parents are divorced and Dad has regular visits but he is not the disciplinarian, as the case often goes. My main issue is focusing on mom and child since they are the ones that have to put up with each other.
Second, I don't advocate hitting. Mom needs to control her temper and show that SHE'S the boss and SHE'S in control withour resorting to physical violence (which he'll only imitate). Not only that, resorting to physical violence let's the child know you're on his level, however angry, beligerant and immature it may be. I need for her to maintain that she's the authority figure.
Well, the parents are divorced and Dad has regular visits but he is not the disciplinarian, as the case often goes. My main issue is focusing on mom and child since they are the ones that have to put up with each other.
Second, I don't advocate hitting. Mom needs to control her temper and show that SHE'S the boss and SHE'S in control withour resorting to physical violence (which he'll only imitate). Not only that, resorting to physical violence let's the child know you're on his level, however angry, beligerant and immature it may be. I need for her to maintain that she's the authority figure.
Dad should be in the picture as far as discipline is concerned. Prisons are full of children who are raised without father's involved with discipline. As far as children are concerned, silence is viewed as agreement.
She's already on his level, that's the problem. He's only 8 years old. If she can't control him now, what will happen as he grows older?
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