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To clarify Connecticut law, a loose definition of tenant is as follows, with the statute to follow:
Some who enters into occupation of property with the permission of the owner
Sec. 47a-1. Definitions As used in this chapter and sections 47a-21, 47a-23 to 47a-23c, inclusive, 47a-26a to 47a-26g, inclusive, 47a-35 to 47a-35b, inclusive, 47a-41a, 47a-43 and 47a-46:
"Tenant" means the lessee, sublessee or person entitled under a rental agreement to occupy a dwelling unit or premises to the exclusion of others or as is otherwise defined by law.
P.A. 91-383 amended the definition of "landlord" to include the owner, lessor or sublessor of "the premises", amended the definition of "rental agreement" to include rules and regulations adopted under "subsection (d) of section 21-70", and amended the definition of "tenant" to include a person occupying "premises.
So under the amended definition, my son is considered a tenant.
As far as locking him out is concerned, the State of Connecticut, Department of Criminal Justice Landlord/Tenant Dispute Police Training Manual addresses lockout situations:
“May a parent lock out an adult child or other adult family member?” The same approach applies as with boyfriend/girlfriend and other domestic lockouts. A person
who lives in the dwelling unit is protected by the landlord-tenant laws and cannot be locked out.
Last edited by Audrey_M; 07-10-2010 at 03:34 PM..
Reason: formatting
That was exactly what I was going to say, the law is the same in Florida.. You can NOT throw someone out. I had a niece that had to completely move out to get rid of a dead beat free loader she allowed to move in temporarily.
In essence, those law ALLOWS/approves of free loading! Hummmm, thought the law makers were suppose to represent the majority? (Like the homeowners and head of household)
Thanks for all of your perspectives. It makes things clear as mud for me right now.
To Hope: yes, I may sound overly negative now, and this comes from 2 years of trying to work with my son, only to see increasingly negative behavior and regression and now a mutual breakdown of trust. I do not want to do all of the leg work for him in terms of school and have not insisted that he do it on his own; I want this to be a collaborative effort. He’s been enabled for too long. I’ve asked him to read the materials and discuss a plan with me in terms of what needs to be done, deadlines and how to divide the work. In this way he will understand the amount of effort involved and the financial ramifications for both himself and me. It’s part of financial education and knowing what is realistic.
We are very late in the game for financial assistance and there are typically caps in terms of student loans. I have researched and in all likelihood, we will come up short by one third of the school costs.
Your point is well taken that my son feels like I am not supportive and am dragging him down. At the same time, he has rejected any and all attempts to help him along the path to independence, which is something our family therapist can verify. I keep trying, he keeps rejecting and there is no middle road.
You say that his moving away to school is the best solution. He did not apply to school until he was asked to move
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Originally Posted by cleasach
I don't think the OP sounds negative; she sounds defeated. She's done everything she possibly can including attending six months of family counseling-- in which an impartial third party probably gave them things to do to improve the situation at home. The son wanted no part of that and the OP said he got worse after the counseling. Who can blame the her for feeling defeated and unwilling to help her ungrateful, unsanitary, smart mouth son with anything.
I hope you are not paying for his college or putting your name on the loans as a co-signer, OP. If he finds that school is just not for him or he can't cope with schedules, he might just spend the money and you'll be on the hook for it later.
Regardless of feeling defeated, I think it's a shame to give up during the final stretch. Try hard to still see the positives through the negatives. For example, he might not have applied to college until after he was asked to move out, but HE DID APPLY FOR COLLEGE. That means that he DID RESPOND and MADE SOME EFFORT when he was asked to move out. That tells me that there is HOPE. Insisting that it's a collaboration might not be realistic at this point of their relationship that has obviously deteriorated. If the OP only has it within herself to evict him, that's fine. I just think it would be a shame to give up when it seems he might be about to turn the corner.
Regardless of feeling defeated, I think it's a shame to give up during the final stretch. Try hard to still see the positives through the negatives. For example, he might not have applied to college until after he was asked to move out, but HE DID APPLY FOR COLLEGE. That means that he DID RESPOND and MADE SOME EFFORT when he was asked to move out. That tells me that there is HOPE. Insisting that it's a collaboration might not be realistic at this point of their relationship that has obviously deteriorated. If the OP only has it within herself to evict him, that's fine. I just think it would be a shame to give up when it seems he might be about to turn the corner.
I agree with Hopes.
There were similar issues in my family and I tend to believe that the OP's son 'buried' a lot of feelings. It is certainly not good that he hasn't managed to communicate these feelings or resolve them in better ways but that would be depression according to many.
Grasp at straws--one last time. If he can't/won't research financial options for school--do it. In one post I thought I read you had done this. It really sounds like he needs some support. He's probably scared and men have peculiar ways of handling that. Such a conflict over being 'helped' and being helped by a woman --Mom.
I'm sure you are at your wits end and I wish I knew of a good answer.
Without a job I guess that means he won't be able to rent an apartment and then legal problems will probably follow. That is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Location: Monterey Bay, California -- watching the sea lions, whales and otters! :D
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I agree that the landlord/tenant laws do apply to children. I have a friend who once rented out a room to a non-family member, and because he couldn't kick them out legally, he told them he was going to remodel the house and take that room out -- and then he did! The tenant moved. Then later, his adult son with a drug problem moved in....and he thought as a son he could have him move....nope. He was stuck. He started going through the process of eviction (which can take a long time) and then the son died of an overdose..... So, those laws can really be intense, especially in a tough family situation.
As for the college thing -- I would take a middle-road on this one. It sounds like the expense will be a lot -- why not offer to pay, say $300/month toward a room to rent in a town with a community college near the girlfriend? That would give him the chance to be on his own, have a little financial assistance (put a time line on it -- like 6 months or one year), and if he succeeded in a year in a community college, then you could renegotiate terms after that.
I would never take on one of those Parent-Plus loans -- it makes you the primary borrower (I found out from the Financial Aid office that although you are "co-signing" you are actually considered the primary borrower, as long as the student is under 24 -- not fair, but true).
He does sound like he needs to see what the "real" world is like. Give him a shove by letting him rent a room in a house, get a job and attend community college - prove that he can handle college and the financial funds needed for it.
It's a shame he is acting like this, however, I think you are correct that once he is independent his attitude will change, even though you had to ask him to move. By helping him with an alternative plan (i.e. the community college which is affordable and he can prove he's serious about college), that might not only garner more respect for you, but will help him to see a future.
Quote:
Sgoldie: Audrey post #6 - Did I hear you say in the last line of this post that you fear physical violence from this kid?
Good point! Glad you noticed that! If domestic violence is a possibility, then all the more reason to pave the way fast -- and with a little assistance. He definitely needs to be on his own for awhile.
Mom is the owner -and- occupier of the premises. Sonny-boy is not there to the exclusion of others, is not renting, is not leasing, is not subletting, is not subleased to. He is a guest in the home and can be instructed to leave. If he was the sole occupant, or primary occupant, then yes, these laws would definitely apply. But he is neither the sole OR primary occupant, nor does he have a lease to prove he is authorized to reside there.
Eminent domain was a movie. It does not apply to an adult child living in his mom's house, with his mom.
which is why I suggested calling the Army Recuiter and the Navy and the Air Foruce and the Marines .. fer crap sakes .. the kid has to grow up and thats one of the best ways ..
also he is still of an age he could go to Job Corp they take them up to age 24 .. as for you leaving I wasnt kidding .. put EVERYTHING in storage you are NOT required to provide the kid with a damn thing .. cubboards are empty? no stove no refridge no tv no electric .. you can leave and close up the house .. if you cant do that because he is untrusted then start locking YOUR stuff up .. he doesnt have the right to use your stuff just because he is there .. that means no tv no cable or Internet yes bit of work for you but you want to teach him theres a line and a limit then ya gotta do that
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So, those laws can really be intense, especially in a tough family situation.
