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My mom died in June and it has really made me miss her so much.
She had cancer a few years ago, she beat the cancer and was okay, but somewhere along the line her liver was damaged. She had been in and out of the hospital for a few months before she died. My sister is in the navy medical field, not a full dr, hard to explain I guess, but she would talk to moms Dr's and then call me and tell me what was going on. She talked to the dr on a wednesday and called and told me that they said mom only has a few months to live at best. We called mom on thursday night and talked to her on a 3 way call. mom loved that when she could talk to us both at the same time. We told her that I would come and get her and her stuff the next week and take her to my sisters house. my sis could take much better care of her, and she did not want to die in the hospital. She didnt really want to do that, but she finally agreed.
I called her the next day to talk to her and they said she couldnt come to the phone. I didn't know it at the time but my mom was unresponsive and going fast. My sis called later that day and said that she talked to the dr and mom would not live through the weekend. I drove all night to get there, I met my sister on the interstate and we got to moms hospital at 9am saturday. When i went in it really broke my heart, she was jaundiced really bad and looked brownish colored, and while her eyes were open she had no recognition of us, and no reaction that we were there. we both start crying seeing my mom who raised us by herself and was always so strong for us and here she was laying there helpless and didnt know we were there.
My sister had a new baby in april, she took the baby to see my mom for a week in may, my mom loved her so much, she rocked her everyday she was there, and we have a few pictures of that at least. when sis was pregnant and even after the baby was born we always did 3 way calls and talked about it. So i held the baby up in front of my mom and my sister was telling her that she was there. My mom started crying. She knew we were there even though she couldnt do anything about it. about that time the baby pooped and scared me and we laughed about that, I am sure my mom was laughing at me too. At least she knew we were there. We felt much better at that point, because even though she was not reacting to us, we knew that she knew we were there for her.
She had been having muscle spasms and im sure she had some pain because once in a while she would moan when it was close to the time for her next shots. Sometimes her legs would jerk around because of the spams but they assured us this was normal.
later that day when it was getting close to time for her next shot, she started jerking around and kicking. To be honest it really scared my sister and I. This went on for about 30 seconds (it seemed like much longer) and then she tried to talk. She managed to say 2 words, "love both". I'm a 42 year old man and I was crying like a baby when she did that. She fought through whatever fog she was in and managed to say those last words to us. She never spoke again, nor did we have any indication that she knew we were there. I know in my heart that she knew we were there and I feel so much better that she knew her kids were there for her at the end.
I went to a hotel close by to get some sleep. Some of my cousins and an aunt had come to the hospital so I knew mom was not alone. My sister soon showed up and claimed the other bed and we finally slept. I woke up around 9pm. Since sis had the baby I went on back to the hospital myself. When I got there my aunt and 1 cousins went home and left me with 2 other cousins. We sat there by my moms bed telling stories of growing up, the family gatherings, and laughing the whole time. I am sure my mom was laying there listening and laughing with us. She would not have wanted us to sit there crying and sad.
My cousins stayed until about 3am and I am so glad to have had that time with them. The nurse came in around 3:30 and took moms blood pressure. I want to say it was something like 60 over 20. I am not exactly sure what the numbers were but it was something like that, lower than I have ever heard of I remembered. THey didn't want to give mom any pain medicine because they were afraid with her BP so low that it would put her over. I called my sis and she showed up about 15 minutes later. She spoke to the nurses and they explained what was going on. I guess a shift change occured around 4, because a different nurse came in at 4:15 and closed the door. She explained that she could give our mom more medicine if we chose, but we had to be aware of what could happen. I think we both said yes give her the medicine at the same time. We had already said our goodbyes and we knew that she was not going to walk out of that hospital. We told her that her parents were waiting for her at a card table, she loved to play rook! The nurse gave her the medicine and moms spasms stopped again. This was about 4:30am. She ended up getting more medicine at 8am, still hanging on. I fell asleep in the chair holding her hand around 9, and my sis woke me up at 10 because she was going to go get us something to eat. I sat up still holding moms hand when sis left. About 2 minutes later her breathing changed. I knew it was time, I called my sis on her cell phone with one hand while I held moms hand in the other, I told her to get back here. About a minute before my sis came back in my mom passed away. It was very peaceful when she did. I am glad I was there for her. I sat there still holding her hand for a long time afterwards.
I still think of her everyday, and still have to stop myself from picking up the phone to call her like I used to. I will always miss her, but I am so glad that we were there for her, and that she knew we were there. What more can a family ask for when that time comes?
Some people have questioned us about allowing her to get the pain medicine knowing it might have been what caused her to die, but we looked at it as the end of her suffering, not the cause of her death, that was determined way back when her liver failed. i wouldnt do anything over again, but I would give everything I had to have 5 minutes with her again talking to us.
Thanks for sharing that with us. It's only been a couple of months for you, and her last days/moments are still clear as a bell and still smart.
I can't say time will change that, as I miss my mom everyday. In so many ways we were alike and only the 2 of us understood our quirky sense of humor.
My mother, who came from very hearty german peasant stock, was sick on and off the last 3 years of her life and after each episode, she lost weigh and slowly declined. By the time she passed, it was hard to believe she was who she was.
She's gone since 11/06. And the thing I still miss most is garage sale-ing with her every saturday am, then breakfast, then food shopping. Even in her decline, with a walker and oxygen tank, she wanted to get out and see her part of the world. So we did. Just slower.
Just be glad you were there at her last. What you're going thru is what you're supposed to be going thru.
My deepest condolences to you and your family on your profound loss. It is very painful but believe me it does ease with time-never goes away-but eases.
My Dad passed 10 yrs ago at home with all of us in attendance-he was and always will be our hero.
The thought of losing either one of my parents is something I don't even let myself think about. I think it would take a great courage to get on with your own life after that. I don't think you will ever quit missing them.....you just learn to live without them.
My deepest condolences on the loss of your Mom. I miss my Mom each and everyday. Spending quality time with your parents is something alot of people don't get when in your younger years. I know as a teenager, I couldn't wait to be free of my Mom's ever watchful eye! Now that she is gone...there is a huge hole.
We are dealing with the same with my MIL. At 94, somehow, someway, the ole girl is still hanging in there, and as feisty as ever. We cherish all the time we can with her.
Time does heal the heart...but it sure does ache along the way.
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom. Your story was very touching. My dad passed away when I was 23. He was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 months before. I lived 10 hours away in another state, but managed to make it out to see him about 2 months into it. It was the hardest thing ever to leave when it came time. He was actually doing very well at the time.
I talked to him and my mom 3 or four times a week on the phone. One day right after talking to him the day before, I got a call from my mom telling me that he had passed away in his sleep. I never would have thought that he would go so soon. He never ended up in the hospital, and just seemed like he was handling everything so well. I am actually glad for that, rather than having him suffering - it just makes you think that they will be around longer.
I still miss him, and wish he could be here to meet my husband and kids. I know they would have had alot of fun together.
I am so sorry about your mom. I have to tell you that I cried at the end of your post. It was so touching. I'm sure your mother knew you were there with her and that made it easier for her to slip away. You did everything right. I hope I can do as well when the time comes. Best wishes to you and your sister.
My mom had raised us (me and 1 sister)by herself since I was 14 and my dad died, he was an ass and my life was better without him, as horrible as that might sound. My mom said something to me when I was a junior in high school that has been how I try to live life. She told me to have fun. She didn't care what i did in life but to have fun with it. She said we only have a short time here and make the best of it. So I did that, I try to have fun no matter what I am doing, and never took a job that I didn't like. Well some jobs I have liked more than others lol
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