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mom's staying with us for awhile, they were married for 56 years, yesterday was so busy and Mom held up better than the rest of us, this morning it was sinking in, she had been crying and told me she didn't know what she was going to do without him, the events from the ER are playing on her, he didn't pass well, he was in unbarable pain but they couldn't help him because his blood pressure was so low, none of us thought he was going to die until the doctor started asking about life support and such, they took us in and in a few minutes it was over, it was just so unreal and it wasn't how we wanted him to pass, he had pleaded for me to make them stop the pain and it's haunting me because I couldn't help him.
i went to his doctor this morning, we were supose to here the results from some testing last week and were expecting bad news, I feel I need something to make sense of this, the doctor said the fluid drained from his lungs had cancer cells in it so the cancer was spreading, I just want to believe all the pain and suffering he went through in ER was to avoid the pain and suffering he would have gone through in the future. the decision not to resusitate him or place him on life support was made by me, thats what he told me he wanted but it sure makes me feel guilty.
Dad was my best friend and i miss him so much
Thanks for the update Roaddog.
What a terrible thing to have to witness, but I think you're right. Cancer is a nasty thing and is never kind. Now he won't have to go thru anymore of the pain.
I'm glad you went to see the doctor. Making that kind of decision is the hardest thing a person has to do. You did the right thing. Hopefully in time you'll make peace with that.
Your Mom is very lucky to have you there. You'll be good for each other.
When the sorrow gets too much, try to conjurn up a couple good times. This will help you through the rough patches.
the decision not to resusitate him or place him on life support was made by me, thats what he told me he wanted but it sure makes me feel guilty.
Dad was my best friend and i miss him so much
When your dad and you had clearer thinking that decision was made right? So have peace now that he knew he could trust you in the end to carry out his wishes. Even when you witnessed him in unbearable pain at the end you stood by his wishes. When the immediate hurt subsides you will be glad you did as your best friend dad asked of you Roaddog.
RoadDog-please let go of that guilty feelig. You followed your Dad's wish and he suffered so much.
My Dad also suffered, we had him home in a hospital bed in the living room and 10 minutes before he passed he asked to be taken to his bed. My husband carried him and the entire family sat with him telling it was okay to go as he had suffered so.
Of course your Mom will have bad days-after 56 years it will e very hard for her-be there now for her.
The decision not to resusitate him or place him on life support was made by me, thats what he told me he wanted but it sure makes me feel guilty
I made the same decision for my mother, who had been suffering at the end stages of Alzheimer. I understand what you are saying about guilt, but I also understand that I did the right thing for her. I spared her a great deal of pain, anxiety and confusion at the end of life and I know I did the right thing.
It took a little time for this realization to come to me, so I can empathize with what you are feeling. Please don't hold on to the guilt. Hold on to the good memories you have of you Dad and also hold on to the knowledge that you did what you were supposed to do. You respected his wishes. You were a good son!
Roaddog, I'm a father of three. I've told my kids what I want - should the situation ever face them. If they follow my instructions, I won't be able to thank them. So I'm taking a bit of "a father's prerogative" ... and I'm thanking you!
Roaddog - I just read this whole thread, and I am so sorry. Your comment about feeling guilty - please don't. You carried out your Dad's wishes, and made the right decision. I know that doesn't make it any easier. I lost my Dad to lung cancer 19 years ago, and my FIL last July to a sudden brain hemmorhage in which my husband had to make the decision to take him off life support.
Be there for your Mom, you will both miss him, but he is done suffering and in a better place. Cherish the good memories. Your family is in our prayers.
You have nothing to be guilty about. You made the decision he had asked you to make and you ended his pain. He is with you now. At some point, when things are more quiet, you will be able to feel him.
mom's staying with us for awhile, they were married for 56 years, yesterday was so busy and Mom held up better than the rest of us, this morning it was sinking in, she had been crying and told me she didn't know what she was going to do without him, the events from the ER are playing on her, he didn't pass well, he was in unbarable pain but they couldn't help him because his blood pressure was so low, none of us thought he was going to die until the doctor started asking about life support and such, they took us in and in a few minutes it was over, it was just so unreal and it wasn't how we wanted him to pass, he had pleaded for me to make them stop the pain and it's haunting me because I couldn't help him.
i went to his doctor this morning, we were supose to here the results from some testing last week and were expecting bad news, I feel I need something to make sense of this, the doctor said the fluid drained from his lungs had cancer cells in it so the cancer was spreading, I just want to believe all the pain and suffering he went through in ER was to avoid the pain and suffering he would have gone through in the future. the decision not to resusitate him or place him on life support was made by me, thats what he told me he wanted but it sure makes me feel guilty.
Dad was my best friend and i miss him so much
Roaddog, I'm so sorry for your loss. I remember still the pain I was in when my father passed. And I spent a lot of time going over events, how could I have done that better, said that better, tended to him better. It's natural to do that, but please don't let it weigh heavily on your heart. You did what you knew to do. He's OK now. Time to take care of yourself and your mom. Take a deep breath. Know you have support here. And be blessed by the time you had with him. You will always have him in your heart, and there will be some rough times ahead. It's been 22 years since we lost Dad, and I still miss him. You'll always have the sweet memory of times with him. Focus there, not on the woulda/coulda/shoulda.
Roaddog -I understand your feelings of guilt, but please let them go. Twenty years ago I followed the ambulance to the hospital with my Mom beside me as Dad was having a very bad day with his lung cancer. When we got there, they ushered us to a private room with the instructions to decide if we wanted Dad placed on life support. It was a very difficult time. I had 5 brothers and sisters who were not there to provide any input. Mom and Dad had never really discussed the options. We finally decided that Dad had suffered more than he needed to and would not want to go on this way. About that time they came and got us as they had Dad in his room. When we got there, he had already passed away. We felt terrible, but Mom and I knew eventually that it was best.
Nearly 20 years later, Mom was in the nursing home after having suffered a series of mini-strokes followed by at least one that was more severe. She could no longer take care of herself, couldn't walk, and more frustrating to her, could no longer talk. She had made it known to us and the doctors and nursing home that she did not want to be revived if her heart stopped. Several times she got very bad, difficulty breathing, nearly choking. A rush trip to the hospital each time brought her back. One day my sister called and said she was having a bad day. I went over after work and my older sister arrived shortly after that. The nurses asked us if we wanted the EMS called to take her to the hospital another time. We said we would talk about it, which we did. We eventually decided that resuscitating does not necessarily just mean after the heart stops. Mom did not want to go on this way, we knew. There were 4 other brothers and sisters, but they were not there to provide any input, so we said, "Just keep her as comfortable as you can." which thankfully, they were able to do. She passed away about 20 minutes later. I have had misgivings, still do. Was it the right thing? Looking back, I know it was. Mom is better off, and so is your dad. You did as he asked. That is all a father really wants in the end. A son who will do as asked, even if it is tough.
I know this was long, but I hope it helps you realize that there is nothing to feel guilty about. I know you miss your dad, that is a good thing. It means you and your dad both did things right. Hang in there, and give your mom a hug for me, I still miss mine.
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