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1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Please pass this on to anyone who don't know Schitt
At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands
marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest
asked Giuseppe,who was approaching his 50th wedding
anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight
into how he had managed to stay married to the
same woman all these years..
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've
a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her, but
besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your
wife for your 50th anniversary?'
Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.'
- I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.
- I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."
- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
- I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
- Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
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