Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
We have a friend group of three other couples we frequently spend time with.
Over the course of our friendship there is one husband in the group who likes to throw his wife under the bus so to speak with jokes at her expense. He is a fun guy and can be loud and gregarious.
Initially I didn’t notice this as being a big deal. However over the course of our friendship I feel this behavior has increased and it started to bother me. Sometimes it’s as if everything out of his mouth is a joke at the wife’s expense.
Recently I have witnessed a quick change in expression and body language from the wife that leads me to believe it bothers the wife too. Sometimes I think out of embarrassment.
Examples of the type of behavior would be :
A discussion about math and the husband would throw in a zinger like “well we all know Kelly is on the short bus when it comes to math”
A discussion about taking a cruise together and the husband would say “everyone better make sure their cabin is nowhere near ours because Kelly’s snoring will keep the whole ship up”
I spoke to my husband about it and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he had never noticed. He then made a point to “observe” the next time we were all together and said he definitely noticed it but thinks it’s harmless.
Although I hated to I bowed out of two get togethers over the past couple of months because I just didn’t want to listen to him.
We were all together for New Years Eve and I said something and he commented back to the group about my comment “hey she’s smarter than she looks!” Everyone had a chuckle but his wife and I were not laughing.
On the way home I expressed to my husband that I didn’t appreciate being the butt of his joke.
My husband told me he thinks I’m hyper focused on everything this guy is saying now and I see it as negative when he is just being fun.
I’m all for having fun but I don’t think it should come at the expense of others.
I am hyper-vigilant about things like this because my ex-husband would do the same thing. It took my mother saying something to me, and stating that if he did it in front of her again she would say something to him. I let her. I was much younger then and he was quite a bit older than me (10 years).
I don't find comments like that funny in the least. I probably would have said, "So that means you think I look stupid?" And if he came back at me about how he's "just having fun" I'd say, "Comments that shizit on other people aren't funny; they're cruel, and you've been doing it to your wife long enough."
I'm fully aware that doing so would cause him to either stop doing it, or not come over anymore; either of which are fine with me.
I don't like it but some families do it all the time and think it's funny. My sister and her family constantly made fun of my middle niece about how dumb she was. She would just giggle along. It really made me uncomfortable because we never did that in our family. She's married now, a homeowner, manager and part time college professor.
My MIL was also the butt of jokes by my corporate president FIL. She loved it and laughed along.
So if it's okay in a nice family, well, it's just their sense of humor. I'm not going to make it my issue.
We have a friend group of three other couples we frequently spend time with.
Over the course of our friendship there is one husband in the group who likes to throw his wife under the bus so to speak with jokes at her expense. He is a fun guy and can be loud and gregarious.
Initially I didn’t notice this as being a big deal. However over the course of our friendship I feel this behavior has increased and it started to bother me. Sometimes it’s as if everything out of his mouth is a joke at the wife’s expense.
Recently I have witnessed a quick change in expression and body language from the wife that leads me to believe it bothers the wife too. Sometimes I think out of embarrassment.
Examples of the type of behavior would be :
A discussion about math and the husband would throw in a zinger like “well we all know Kelly is on the short bus when it comes to math”
A discussion about taking a cruise together and the husband would say “everyone better make sure their cabin is nowhere near ours because Kelly’s snoring will keep the whole ship up”
I spoke to my husband about it and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he had never noticed. He then made a point to “observe” the next time we were all together and said he definitely noticed it but thinks it’s harmless.
Although I hated to I bowed out of two get togethers over the past couple of months because I just didn’t want to listen to him.
We were all together for New Years Eve and I said something and he commented back to the group about my comment “hey she’s smarter than she looks!” Everyone had a chuckle but his wife and I were not laughing.
On the way home I expressed to my husband that I didn’t appreciate being the butt of his joke.
My husband told me he thinks I’m hyper focused on everything this guy is saying now and I see it as negative when he is just being fun.
I’m all for having fun but I don’t think it should come at the expense of others.
Curious how others would take this?
Next time he says something about his wife ask him, "hey, have you quit beating your wife yet?"
Better people make themselves the butt of the joke, if there has to be one. It's not friendly or fun to regularly insult spouse or friends, it's a character flaw.
OP, for heaven's sake, speak up! Let him know he's not being very thoughtful of Kelly, and you don't enjoy disparaging humor of that kind. Just say it, in front of the group. Somebody has to! If his feathers get ruffled, or other people try to sweep your comment under the rug, follow up with, "I can't help but feel badly for Kelly when these gratuitous jabs are interjected into our conversations. I know I wouldn't like it, if my loved one spoke this way about me."
Just let the bomb drop. It's about time someone spoke up. This is cringe-worthy behavior! If the guy gets belligerent, or makes another crack at his wife's expense, ask him, seemingly innocently, if there's something wrong in the marriage. Happy couples don't do this to each other. Meet his tactics with something potentially embarrassing, to shut him up. Or simply say that you don't find his comments funny. Repeat as needed. Don't let yourself be cowed by this jerk. Your concern for his wife is heartfelt and just.
Bullies get away with their bullying, and feel it's ok, when the group they're with feels too awkward to say anything. They take that as a green light to their bullying behavior. You might tell your husband before the next gathering, that you plan to speak up if Bully Boy takes another crack at his wife, and ask your hubs to back you up if he persists, or if the atmosphere gets tense. He could do so in a disarming way, not a confrontational way. He could say something like "We all enjoy Kelly's company. Let's all be courteous" or something like that.
I wish you luck. If this behavior persists, you could stop attending. If you can pull together the nerve, you might announce, if the behavior persists at subsequent gatherings, that you're withdrawing from the gatherings due to the unwarranted derogatory comments persistently made at Kelly's expense. It would take courage to do that, but you'd be Kelly's hero. And it might make other group members think, also.
Really, OP, that type of humor went out of style and gasped its last in the 60's. It's very inappropriate, especially in view of the fact, that the wife is embarrassed by what is being passed off as humor. It's not humor; it's calculated passive-aggressive behavior.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-03-2024 at 11:30 AM..
We have a friend group of three other couples we frequently spend time with.
Over the course of our friendship there is one husband in the group who likes to throw his wife under the bus so to speak with jokes at her expense. He is a fun guy and can be loud and gregarious.
Initially I didn’t notice this as being a big deal. However over the course of our friendship I feel this behavior has increased and it started to bother me. Sometimes it’s as if everything out of his mouth is a joke at the wife’s expense.
Recently I have witnessed a quick change in expression and body language from the wife that leads me to believe it bothers the wife too. Sometimes I think out of embarrassment.
Examples of the type of behavior would be :
A discussion about math and the husband would throw in a zinger like “well we all know Kelly is on the short bus when it comes to math”
A discussion about taking a cruise together and the husband would say “everyone better make sure their cabin is nowhere near ours because Kelly’s snoring will keep the whole ship up”
I spoke to my husband about it and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he had never noticed. He then made a point to “observe” the next time we were all together and said he definitely noticed it but thinks it’s harmless.
Although I hated to I bowed out of two get togethers over the past couple of months because I just didn’t want to listen to him.
We were all together for New Years Eve and I said something and he commented back to the group about my comment “hey she’s smarter than she looks!” Everyone had a chuckle but his wife and I were not laughing.
On the way home I expressed to my husband that I didn’t appreciate being the butt of his joke.
My husband told me he thinks I’m hyper focused on everything this guy is saying now and I see it as negative when he is just being fun.
I’m all for having fun but I don’t think it should come at the expense of others.
Curious how others would take this?
I'm with you. His behavior is obnoxious. I would avoid any further social occasions where he is to be in the group.
How close are you to the wife?
(if he had said that to me, I might have said "you aren't" if I thought of it in time. I'm not quick with the come back usually, but I think my hackles would have already been up, and I might have had it ready)
I don't like it but some families do it all the time and think it's funny. My sister and her family constantly made fun of my middle niece about how dumb she was. She would just giggle along. It really made me uncomfortable because we never did that in our family. She's married now, a homeowner, manager and part time college professor.
My MIL was also the butt of jokes by my corporate president FIL. She loved it and laughed along.
So if it's okay in a nice family, well, it's just their sense of humor. I'm not going to make it my issue.
It's true. My ex husband was raised like that and tried it on me, a lot. "Just a joke" doesn't fly. Teasing is never done in fun, it's always hostile.
And like you I have a niece who, once when I was at my sister's house for supper, I was appalled the way the "jokes" were landing on this young girl's head. I finally spoke up and said "Seriously, this is how you treat your daughter at meal times?" "oh she knows we're kidding" was the answer.
Later my sister actually brought it up and thanked me for speaking up, said it made her think and she was going to put a ban on that kind of "joking".
Are you smarter than you look?
You can:
walk away from it
fan over the poor wife and make her understand that she is being abused and needs a divorce
fire back
This manner of belittling his wife is a type of bullying. It is not funny nor is it appropriate.
How close are you to Kelly and the other women in the group? Can you speak to her privately and tell her you will publicly back her up if she chooses to object to his comments? Or perhaps she would prefer that you speak up and the other women (and hopefully men) could back you up.
You just never know her situation financially, emotionally or otherwise that causes her to put up with this behavior. At the very least, if he can’t shut up on the nasty remarks they need counseling. The “oh, I was just teasing/joking” is just not acceptable. He may have grown up in a family like that but the habit needs to be broken.
Be prepared to lose at least him as a “friend”. Bullies don’t like to be challenged so be very direct, measured and prepared with your response when he “jokes” again.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
