Wife The Butt of His Jokes (business, mother, friendship, feel)
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We have a friend group of three other couples we frequently spend time with.
Over the course of our friendship there is one husband in the group who likes to throw his wife under the bus so to speak with jokes at her expense. He is a fun guy and can be loud and gregarious.
Initially I didn’t notice this as being a big deal. However over the course of our friendship I feel this behavior has increased and it started to bother me. Sometimes it’s as if everything out of his mouth is a joke at the wife’s expense.
Recently I have witnessed a quick change in expression and body language from the wife that leads me to believe it bothers the wife too. Sometimes I think out of embarrassment.
Examples of the type of behavior would be :
A discussion about math and the husband would throw in a zinger like “well we all know Kelly is on the short bus when it comes to math”
A discussion about taking a cruise together and the husband would say “everyone better make sure their cabin is nowhere near ours because Kelly’s snoring will keep the whole ship up”
I spoke to my husband about it and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he had never noticed. He then made a point to “observe” the next time we were all together and said he definitely noticed it but thinks it’s harmless.
Although I hated to I bowed out of two get togethers over the past couple of months because I just didn’t want to listen to him.
We were all together for New Years Eve and I said something and he commented back to the group about my comment “hey she’s smarter than she looks!” Everyone had a chuckle but his wife and I were not laughing.
On the way home I expressed to my husband that I didn’t appreciate being the butt of his joke.
My husband told me he thinks I’m hyper focused on everything this guy is saying now and I see it as negative when he is just being fun.
I’m all for having fun but I don’t think it should come at the expense of others.
Curious how others would take this?
I find people like this don't "get it" until it happens to them so I try to give the backhanded humor right back.
My responses would have been:
"then maybe you need to get your eyes checked"
"how do you know it won't be your snoring that keeps us awake"
It is not always easy to do but generally I get opportunities to give the zingers right back. Most people like this have plenty of flaws that they don't appreciated being outed.
I find people like this don't "get it" until it happens to them so I try to give the backhanded humor right back.
My responses would have been:
"then maybe you need to get your eyes checked"
"how do you know it won't be your snoring that keeps us awake"
It is not always easy to do but generally I get opportunities to give the zingers right back. Most people like this have plenty of flaws that they don't appreciated being outed.
This is an interesting idea. My experience with this type of person is, that they can't tolerate their own behavior when it's reflected back at them. They're blind to the connection between their behavior and the response they get. Typically, they perceive the responder to be the one who's "out of line" or behaving offensively. They're oblivious to the effect of their own words and behavior.
It would be an interesting experiment to see how the guy in the OP's group reacts to zingers tossed back at him.
Such "jokes" are passive-aggressive behavior. You can't know what goes on behind closed doors, but when something like this happens, there are responses. Two gentle ones:
"I once knew a man who made jokes at his wife's expense. Oddly, he is now dead, and she got off with a light sentence and the house."
"One of the dumbest people I ever knew made jokes about his wife. The dogfood in his chili put a stop to it."
Then, if you want to end the behavior around you:
"Joe, you are an ass. That isn't funny or kind. I don't care if your wife doesn't mind your being an ass by making jokes at her expense, but don't EVER do that again in front of me." - followed by a long hard stare without a single twitch or other move until his eyes avert from yours. It will stop all conversation in the room and likely make you the center of attention briefly.
If someone attempts to make light of it, call them out. "Stop it. This is between Joe and me." If Joe comes back with something, go: "Did you hear what I said?" and again stare. Joe is going to hate you anyway, so make the point. He might try to come back with "Betch." A response to that is, "Sweetie, you really don't want to see my snake side. Shut up now, for your own good." and walk away before he has a chance to respond further without feigned or real physical aggression.
Seriously, when one spouse publicly disses the other, the first thing that comes to my mind is that the dissed spouse is what he or she is, but the one doing the dissing has a painfully obvious inability to make a proper choice in life partner and is someone to stay away from or be cautious around.
Bullies know who won't call them on their behavior, and take advantage of that. They also are quick to learn who not to pizz off.
We have a friend group of three other couples we frequently spend time with.
Over the course of our friendship there is one husband in the group who likes to throw his wife under the bus so to speak with jokes at her expense. He is a fun guy and can be loud and gregarious.
Initially I didn’t notice this as being a big deal. However over the course of our friendship I feel this behavior has increased and it started to bother me. Sometimes it’s as if everything out of his mouth is a joke at the wife’s expense.
Recently I have witnessed a quick change in expression and body language from the wife that leads me to believe it bothers the wife too. Sometimes I think out of embarrassment.
Examples of the type of behavior would be :
A discussion about math and the husband would throw in a zinger like “well we all know Kelly is on the short bus when it comes to math”
A discussion about taking a cruise together and the husband would say “everyone better make sure their cabin is nowhere near ours because Kelly’s snoring will keep the whole ship up”
I spoke to my husband about it and he seemed genuinely surprised and said he had never noticed. He then made a point to “observe” the next time we were all together and said he definitely noticed it but thinks it’s harmless.
Although I hated to I bowed out of two get togethers over the past couple of months because I just didn’t want to listen to him.
We were all together for New Years Eve and I said something and he commented back to the group about my comment “hey she’s smarter than she looks!” Everyone had a chuckle but his wife and I were not laughing.
On the way home I expressed to my husband that I didn’t appreciate being the butt of his joke.
My husband told me he thinks I’m hyper focused on everything this guy is saying now and I see it as negative when he is just being fun.
I’m all for having fun but I don’t think it should come at the expense of others.
Curious how others would take this?
I'd fire back: Are you insecure about intelligent women? What is with the non stop "put down humor?"
If he is bald or fat: Say would you like bald or fat guy jokes?
If he is older: Ask if he uses his humor as a way of making up for erectile disfunction?
This is an interesting idea. My experience with this type of person is, that they can't tolerate their own behavior when it's reflected back at them. They're blind to the connection between their behavior and the response they get. Typically, they perceive the responder to be the one who's "out of line" or behaving offensively. They're oblivious to the effect of their own words and behavior.
It would be an interesting experiment to see how the guy in the OP's group reacts to zingers tossed back at him.
The delivery is important -- lighthearted not terse. I try not to bring down the room as other people may have laughed or not perceived the slight (such as the OP's husband). I am usually met with silence by the offender but others in the group give support with "good one."
This women is being emotionallly/verbally abused. It's even worse for her behind closed doors - count on it. It's not a joke. She may brush it off and act good-natured about it, but believe me, it hurts. The husband is an insecure jerk that gets off on this and in knowing it causes her pain and discomfort, but he knows she is in a social situation in which she feels she cannot fight back. It's a form of belittlement.
Been there, got out with the last shreds of my self-respect intact over 20 years ago and never looked back.
I caution against making a retort to the husband in the group situation, because it diminishes the wife's "agency" in the situation. Instead I would speak to her privately, and not make it about him disrespecting HER but rather your being uncomfortable around him. "Leslie, I don't like Bob making jokes at your expense. It makes for an awkward situation and it turns a fun outing into something uncomfortable. How do you feel about it?" This allows for a dialogue where you're not saying you think he's abusive to her per se, because she might be embarrassed if she thinks everyone is questioning her marriage.
Such "jokes" are passive-aggressive behavior. You can't know what goes on behind closed doors, but when something like this happens, there are responses. Two gentle ones:
"I once knew a man who made jokes at his wife's expense. Oddly, he is now dead, and she got off with a light sentence and the house."
"One of the dumbest people I ever knew made jokes about his wife. The dogfood in his chili put a stop to it."
I like these ideas partially because they are somewhat hypothetical and thus, less personal. A humorous but salient point is being made without firing an insult at the bully standing in the room. Even if you feel he deserves it. I agree that he probably needs to recalibrate or be taken down a peg but that move is probably for his wife to take in private. Unless you know her very, very well you may not know where her personal threshold for his "humor" lies and when he might be stepping over it. Both of them might receive the wrong comment as meddling. Regarding tossing insults, as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.
Last edited by Parnassia; 01-03-2024 at 04:04 PM..
I like these ideas partially because they are somewhat hypothetical and thus, less personal. A humorous but salient point is being made without firing an insult at the bully standing in the room. Even if you feel he deserves it. I agree that he probably needs to recalibrate or be taken down a peg but that move is probably for his wife to take in private. Unless you know her very, very well you may not know where her personal threshold for his "humor" lies and when he might be stepping over it. Both of them might receive the wrong comment as meddling. Regarding tossing insults, as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.
You will note that in the confrontational method, I left the wife completely out of it. How a couple interact with each other is one thing, how one interacts with a group that includes me is another. Put simply, the wife might even like his jokes, for all I know. What I do know is MY reaction, and that reaction is perfectly valid and can be acted upon without any behind the scenes BS social engineering.
When someone puts a turd in a punchbowl, direct action is appropriate. You can't dress it up and call it a creative addition to the drinks. There is no "nice" way of bringing a spouse to one side and pressuring for change in the bully from them - that is triangulation and a big no-no in the world of psychology. In point of fact, the anger of the bully NEEDS to be directed outside of the relationship. It is only then the bully can communicate with the spouse about the incident without it being a shouting match.
People who have a solid sense of self are not threatened when someone doesn't like them. They also tend to have a solid sense of values. That sucks for bullies.
I like these ideas partially because they are somewhat hypothetical and thus, less personal. A humorous but salient point is being made without firing an insult at the bully standing in the room. Even if you feel he deserves it. I agree that he probably needs to recalibrate or be taken down a peg but that move is probably for his wife to take in private. Unless you know her very, very well you may not know where her personal threshold for his "humor" lies and when he might be stepping over it. Both of them might receive the wrong comment as meddling. Regarding tossing insults, as they say, two wrongs don't make a right.
Have you ever dealt with a bully? I have. There was a bigger than life sales manager who relished dishing out put downs and laughing his axx off. When I returned from maternity leave just six weeks postpartum the first thing he yelled to me was, "let's see your stomach." I am sure he thought I would get all embarrassed. Instead, I yelled back I would put my stomach up against his any time and at least I had a good excuse for mine, what was his. He had a huge beer gut. He never bothered me again.
Last edited by Maddie104; 01-03-2024 at 06:35 PM..
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