Can a narcissist ever change? (girlfriend, father, present, personality)
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About 10 years ago, I had a friend who was the same. She said she was either bi-polar or borderline, I can’t remember which one, and suffered from depression. She would call me about 4 or 5 times a week, and she would talk very fast, nonstop about herself. The longest I let her go on was 4 hours. When she finally came up for a breath during our marathon phone calls and ask me how I was doing, I found she either wasn’t listening, talking to someone else while I was talking, or right after I started talking she would say someone was on the other line and she had to go. I think our phone calls were free therapy for her.
She didn’t have friends, estranged from family, couldn’t stay in a relationship or keep a job to save her life. She was just a very unhappy person.
She never called me on my birthday to wish me happy birthday. I, on the other hand, called her every year on her birthday until one year, I said screw it I’m not calling her. She called the day after her birthday to tell me it was her birthday, fishing for a birthday wish. When my birthday came after that, she called me but not to wish me a happy birthday but to what…talk about herself. When I saw where the call was going I ended it.
I had to set boundaries. I told her not to call after 10pm, and not to call me when I’m on vacation. And of course, she tested those boundaries and called anyway. I didn’t answer and she got the message after that.
I ended our “friendship”. She went to some seriously dark places (breaking up a marriage/family, setting up an ex and current boyfriend to meet so they can fight over her, etc), where I felt I couldn’t support her anymore.
Last edited by jaynaydee; 10-23-2023 at 10:44 AM..
First of all, just because a person may be insensitive, thoughtless or rude in their communication, does not mean that they are a narcissist. A narcissist is very complex, often takes time to even be diagnosed as one.
I also have a friend that rattles on and on and nobody else can ever get a word in... but she isn't a narcissist.
As for the changing, of course it's possible to change, but a narcissist would have to recognize behavioral problems themselves and seek therapy. The behavioral patterns are usually brought on as a defense mechanism to protect them from reality. Psychological lying; pathological lying, anything to boost their own self esteem. They have to be the center of attention at all times and they will talk above other people having conversations. They will boast and brag non stop. They often "primp" forever, so they will always look as perfect as they can. It's usually very sad because obviously they were neglected or even abused in their childhood, resulting in the bad personality traits.
You mentioned trying to "change" your friend. You should never try to change anyone to fit your needs, nor should you expect change from them. If you feel you need to change someone, then it isn't a good match for you and will only waste your time and theirs. If it maddens you to listen to her non stop verbage, that will only get worse. If something works it works, but if it doesn't, don't force it, just move on.
With psychiatric information now available to the masses the tendency to diagnosis people has become a common occurrence.
But there are multiple factors to consider and even observation over many years to be able to correctly diagnose. They are not as common as people believe they are and a true personality disorder causes enough dysfunction that people who suffer them have very unstable and unhappy work and life histories. Generally they aren't your run-of-the-mill folks we all find difficult to deal with. And self-diagnoses are notoriously erroneously high.
A much-preferred method of describing problematic people in your life is by saying they have some narcissistic characteristics. It would be good if even professionals used this method to describe young patients since so many times a diagnosis changes over time as more information is gathered.
Using that reasoning people with unpleasant habits of interaction can often change through experiencing consequences of dysfunctional behavior.
Hello, I have been thinking of your comments, and of my own feeligns about situation.
I think I may be somewhat self-involved here, and also over-thinking the situation.
I have decided to leave it be. It is one-sided , but my other relationships are all mutually satisfying, and so it won't kill me to have one that is one-sided. Also she has told me I am her only friend. Also I value kindness.
so - for now - at least, I will let it be,
Hello, I have been thinking of your comments, and of my own feeligns about situation.
I think I may be somewhat self-involved here, and also over-thinking the situation.
I have decided to leave it be. It is one-sided , but my other relationships are all mutually satisfying, and so it won't kill me to have one that is one-sided. Also she has told me I am her only friend. Also I value kindness.
so - for now - at least, I will let it be,
thank you!
for your time and your thoughts.
ellen
Those are generous thoughts, ellen. Keep attuned to your boundaries and your feelings to assure you don't "overgive." If this person is working on new behavior she will improve, if not things will generally deteriorate without you needing to set a direction.
If setting and holding boundaries is a new behavior for you it is expected you'll overthink. It's sometimes a confusing process, that becomes more natural with practice.
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