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It sounds like you've already handled it, or have a good idea of how to handle this in the future. So the core problem that remains is that you feel guilty about saying no to things like this, because you're retired and they're not. You need to break yourself of this thought. When you start feeling this way, tell yourself some affirmations. These are my suggestions, but make it your own thoughts:
1) I already do a lot for this congregation. (Music directing is a LOT of work.)
2) I put my time in the working world and I have earned the right to be retired.
3) I am in introvert, which means I require more time to recharge than the others.
4) I cannot give my best work and my best thinking to these projects if I don't get that time to recharge. This is basic self-care, and I'm worth it.
5) Someone on the committee is probably going to judge me. But judgmental people are going to do that no matter what I do. I can only take care of my own thoughts and actions.
Keep in mind that those people on the committee who are extroverts, who have full-time jobs and health problems and still show up at every meeting, may actually thrive on the meetings. Their version of self-care is to be around people as often as possible. You can't compare yourself to that, because your needs as an introvert are totally different.
I remember that you had a health scare of your own a couple of years ago. Stress is not good for that. There's another reason why you should not feel guilty about refusing to over-extend yourself.
Just tell them you are stoked about doing your part but that's all. There's no reason you can't contribute if you wish without going through the torture of meetings you have no interest in or say about. You have a lot more patience than I. I tell people right up front I'm here to help, not stand around.
"No" is the most powerful word in the English language.
Learn to use it.
And "NO" is the most freeing word too, if you become strong enough to use it.
I kid that I am "the woman of NO" because I say no all day long at work to sales reps, customers asking for something special and donation seekers among others.
And "NO" is the most freeing word too, if you become strong enough to use it.
I kid that I am "the woman of NO" because I say no all day long at work to sales reps, customers asking for something special and donation seekers among others.
Same here. I have no trouble with No. I admit, it took work to learn this, but well worth the effort.
Stop trying to prove yourself to others and impress other people with what a smart, capable, helpful person you are. Nobody is going to be impressed. The only thing other people will care about is whether or not they can take advantage of you and your capabilities for their own benefit so they don't have to do an onerous chore.
"No" is a complete statement. It doesn't tell lies. It doesn't need any explanations. It doesn't need a full-page back story or excuses to back it up. If you hate something just say "no, I can't do this" and stop doing it. Nobody is twisting your arm to do it.
You can be neutral about it, you don't have to be nice about it, just like you didn't need to be nice about it when you were asked to take on this onerous chore and you said yes to it without thinking straight about why your friends were burned out with it or why they asked you to do it or about what you were getting yourself into. Don't be a sucker or a beggar for punishment. Just say "no".
Best advice, ever! 1000000% agreed with you.
From my experience, through the years of working, volunteering here and there, being friendly, nice and helpful to others, and wanting to go above and beyond... I've learn that for most people, when you care too much about them, the more you are nice, kind and generous to them, and want to help them, the more they want to take advantages of you, with no mercy at all. The more you want to give, the more others want to take. Even eventually, they think that is your responsibility and obligation to participate and help others. And when you feel burnt out, you cannot help them anymore, they will turn their feelings, attitude towards you 180 degrees. Many even hate you and criticize you badly.
Sometimes, there's no easy or nice way to say no. Some people don't get a hint on the nice way. They are very aggressive. They don't take a nice way “no” for an answer. They want to press you into saying yes.
I've learned to be assertive and say straightforward no without explaining why; and I don't feel guilt in my heart. I've felt much better mentally and physically since I dare to do this. I don't care for or about the ones who are takers or wanting to take advantages of me. I don't care for or about what others think bad about me when I don't help them. I know myself. I do want to be nice to others. I don't want to take advantages of others. But I don't want others to take advantages of me.
dont say anything, just walk away, out of sight, out of mind
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