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Why would they buy him a TV? That would only make him all too comfortable spending all his free time gaming on the TV. The idea is to NOT accommodate him so much, that he feels he's set for life. The idea is to encourage him to get a place with his own TV and bed. Perhaps a new TV could be offered as an incentive for him to get his own place; a house-warming gift after he moves out. But then again, another poster pointed out, that he has no way of convincing a LL he has gainful employment and a good rental history.
It seems fairly clear why the young couple broke up....
Maybe he should be encouraged to go back to community college to choose a viable profession. Does he have artistic skills? he studied graphic design? he could do a program in computer-based animation. That makes good money, if he could land a job in-between weed puffs.
I've never seen him draw a thing. He doesn't have a laptop or anything like that so it's not like he has programs on a computer he tinkers around with. When he was in college and said he was going to get his A.S. degree and stop I tried to get him to stay and at least get a bachelor's degree but he was done after the A.S. I guess he thought he was going to graduate and land a $60k job designing Apple or Pepsi's new logo. I told him kids are graduating high schools now with enough college credits to get an A.S degree but that doesn't mean they are ready for the workforce. There's a lack of motivation that he doesn't have.
If marijuana is legal in your State, perhaps your stepson could find additional or full time employment at a marijuana store. And, like someone else suggested, maybe he could switch to edibles (kept in a locked box) while he is staying with you.
Was his gf paying for most of the rent and household expenses? What I am wondering is if he needs a roommate to be able to live somewhere else? Does he have any friends that he could share a place with? Is living with you and your wife or being homeless basically his only options at this point?
It's not!
He doesn't have any other guy friends, none who would be willing to let him crash with them on their sofa. Speaking of sofas, the wife mentioned that he could sleep on the sofa while the grandkids are here. I looked at her and said no way in hell would we spend nearly $2k on that sofa and loveseat for him to make it into a bed.
In regards to the dog, yes he was our family dog for years and YES, there was an issue with the dog smell. We kept her in the groomers but after a few days that nice pristine dog is back to being the same dog. We dealt with it. But when he decided to keep the dog that was a relief for us. We finally got the odor out of the house and didn't have to deal with a sheading husky several times a year. We kept the dog on the back side of our house in my work room where I do my wood working or either outside in the back yard during the day. Trust me, I was surprised as the next person when I woke to find the dog's water bowl sitting on the bedroom floor splashed all over the place. I would have at least put a towel or something under it.
Getting the wife to agree to a 30 or 60 day terms and he pays rent are going to be the biggest hurdle. I can hear her now, "your daughter didn't have to pay rent so why should he?" I guess because my daughter wasn't here for an indefinite amount of time. She was only here for the first few months of her daughter's birth and she was back at her own apartment after that.
Exactly how long was your daughter living with you and your wife? You wrote that she lived with you and your wife for "the first few months" after her daughter was born, which would seem to be at least 3 months, but that's IN ADDITION TO "the last few weeks of her pregnancy" so at least 4 months altogether? And no paying rent? OP, I can understand your wife not wanting a 30- or 60-day limit for her son AND him paying rent as your daughter got MUCH more favorable "terms."
Frankly I wouldn't let ANY of them move back in as it could be very hard to get them out. They are grown-ups, they should act like it. But I think at this point you have to allow your stepson to move in under the same "terms" you gave your daughter. After that, NO MORE ADULT "KIDS" MOVING BACK IN unless it is a total emergency situation (which it doesn't sound like either of the "kids'" situation was).
Then again, I've always been a big fan of INDEPENDENCE once "kids" become adults. I appear to be in the minority on this.
Ain't no winning in this story. GF threw the lazy, dope-smoking, tax-cheat leech out and he landed on Momma's doorstep and has her blessing to stay. OP gonna be lookin' for a divorce lawyer and a new pad next.
He doesn't have any other guy friends, none who would be willing to let him crash with them on their sofa. Speaking of sofas, the wife mentioned that he could sleep on the sofa while the grandkids are here. I looked at her and said no way in hell would we spend nearly $2k on that sofa and loveseat for him to make it into a bed.
So you let your daughter stay WITH a place to sleep, but you won’t let him stay in apparently any room you have available because it is not convenient? Is that 2nd room even possible for someone to stay in with an air mattress or something similar or is it too full of junk?
I agree that there should be a timeline for him to move out, but if his daughter could stay for 2-3 months, it makes sense that the stepson should also be allowed to stay WITH the family dog for the same amount of time. This is especially the case if he pays some sort of rent.
I've never seen him draw a thing. He doesn't have a laptop or anything like that so it's not like he has programs on a computer he tinkers around with. When he was in college and said he was going to get his A.S. degree and stop I tried to get him to stay and at least get a bachelor's degree but he was done after the A.S. I guess he thought he was going to graduate and land a $60k job designing Apple or Pepsi's new logo. I told him kids are graduating high schools now with enough college credits to get an A.S degree but that doesn't mean they are ready for the workforce. There's a lack of motivation that he doesn't have.
I have a niece and a nephew who majored in art or graphic design in college. One's a "professional" dog-walker. I'm not sure what the other one's doing; he did get married, but has been living with his parents for quite awhile. To be fair, he'a always had some kind of cognitive challenges; I'm amazed he made it through college. But still, graphic designers/artists are a dime a dozen. A few make it big (I knew one, who got a highly-paid job doing all the art as staff artist in a hospital system, for their advertising and other design needs), but for many, it turns out to be just another generic BA to qualify for generic entry-level jobs.
Still, I'm wondering if the possibility of computer animation might appeal to the gamer side of your step-son. Many employers allowed WFH long before Covid, and they pay well. I knew one living in Seattle who worked for Disney. I also had a supervisor, who talked her slacker/gamer bf into doing a program like that, because he had no direction in life, so he tried it and loved it! He's now a fully-employed contributing member to society. Miracles can happen, OP, if you take a constructive approach and appeal to people's interests. But he'd need artistic skills, obviously. You don't know if he doesn't have any; you just haven't seen him draw.
The weed use is an obstacle to getting motivated, though.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-21-2021 at 11:57 AM..
Getting the wife to agree to a 30 or 60 day terms and he pays rent are going to be the biggest hurdle. I can hear her now, "your daughter didn't have to pay rent so why should he?" I guess because my daughter wasn't here for an indefinite amount of time. She was only here for the first few months of her daughter's birth and she was back at her own apartment after that.
Here is the solution: if she thinks her son should have the same treatment as your daughter, then agree to that. If your daughter lived with you for 3 months rent-free, your stepson can live there for 3 months rent-free. After that, everything else needs to be evaluated and negotiated. Expectations about contributions to the home, in my opinion, should be adjusted accordingly, i.e., different expectations for a heavily pregnant then new mom recovering from surgery as opposed to a perfectly healthy young man.
If he won't clean up the spare room, you do it. The half-day's work will be well worth it given your other concerns.
The problem here is there is a huge double standard when it comes to your biological kids (who are apparently welcome to stay, no rent required, or move out date specified) and the step-kids who are nastily told things like they get the air mattress, they need to pay rent, they can only stay so many days, and get yelled at for "their" dog being smelly when it was your darn dog you hated in the first place which they generously adopted so you didn't have to smell any more.
I absolutely agree that it's your house so you should be able to say there is no pot smoking in this house. Period. I don't even think he should be allowed to smoke outside and come sleep in the room as it will stink up the room and the bedding. If he wants to do that, he can stay at a motel on his own dime. His choice. That's a reasonable request.
But some of the other things you are asking for are not reasonable at this point. If he's been at your house for 4 months, then yes, you and your wife need to have this conversation. But right now this smells too much like you not liking the kid just because he's not your bio kid, when you your daughter stay with no rent or conditions. I'm with your wife on this one. For now.
By the way, if he's still on the lease with his girlfriend, why is he not staying there? Is he still paying rent there? If he's still paying rent there, he needs to move back there. If he's not paying rent there, he should put that rent money towards finding a cheap room to rent ASAP. You may have to take the dog back, however. Might be hard for him to find a place that takes dogs if he's renting on his own and without much income.
Exactly how long was your daughter living with you and your wife? You wrote that she lived with you and your wife for "the first few months" after her daughter was born, which would seem to be at least 3 months, but that's IN ADDITION TO "the last few weeks of her pregnancy" so at least 4 months altogether? And no paying rent? OP, I can understand your wife not wanting a 30- or 60-day limit for her son AND him paying rent as your daughter got MUCH more favorable "terms."
Frankly I wouldn't let ANY of them move back in as it could be very hard to get them out. They are grown-ups, they should act like it. But I think at this point you have to allow your stepson to move in under the same "terms" you gave your daughter. After that, NO MORE ADULT "KIDS" MOVING BACK IN unless it is a total emergency situation (which it doesn't sound like either of the "kids'" situation was).
Then again, I've always been a big fan of INDEPENDENCE once "kids" become adults. I appear to be in the minority on this.
Let me clarify. She was here the last 2 weeks of her pregnancy and the first month after the baby was born. She left after that and has been back at her place a month. The baby is 2 months old.
I'm totally fine with giving him 2 months, don't get me wrong. He needs to get back up on his feet, but as you say give him no more than we gave my daughter. I feel like 6 months down the road he still won't have saved up enough to get his own place so the wife is not going to put her foot down. "He just needs more time."
Just curious, if his girlfriend kicked him out and his name is still on the lease, is he stuck paying rent on a place he can't live?
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