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Are you joking? Why would they accommodate the pot, when forbidding it will make him leave sooner?
I only suggested it because his step son's mother isn't likely to give this adult the boot any time soon--not because I approve of it.
With the kids sleeping in that room and with the O.P.'s wife enabling her child at every turn, i.e., he can't live in the spare room because there's no t.v. in there (the horror!) and the girls can just bunk up with grandma and grandpa when they visit (what the heck?), it's going to be either have the room reek of marijuana either through the son smoking in there/ bringing the odor back with him on his clothing or find an alternative that doesn't reek.
Given what we've been told by the O.P., I doubt that his wife would actively forbid her son from using weed while under their roof.
OP: "One of the step-sons has/had a place with his girlfriend. Yesterday my wife told me that he and his girlfriend had broken up and he would be moving back home. In the back of my mind I knew where this was going but I heard her out anyway."
-- I don't know what your living situation is, how long you have been married, how old this son is -- or any other particulars, BUT, the above sounds like a pretty good indicator of an underlying issue here! - Now you are asking strangers how to deal with something that you and your wife should have had a clear understanding of beforehand.
At this point, you need to make sure you and your wife have an agreement in terms of lifestyle, pet damage, tenure of stay, pot use in the home, household contribution, etc.. - It seems pretty clear that you dislike HER son and have a long list of issues, and will likely discover that her expectations are far different than yours. You will both need to compromise! --- YOUR daughter's children's 'special room' at your house, may need to flex a bit for her son's need.
Once you are both in agreement, you need to both sit down with him and establish a clear understanding of how things are going to be. Moving forward, you and your wife need to have a clearer understanding of how you intend to deal with each other's grown children and grandchildren in the future.
No, I love and care about her son. I've been here helping her raise him and his brother since they were around 7 or 8 years old. The youngest is 24 now and his older brother is 26. My daughter is also 24. I just have expectations. When I moved out of my parents house I wanted to show them I could make it on my own and I've never been back. I just don't want my house to now have a revolving door with unlimited access. My daughter only has one child. The other granddaughter is the child of the older step-son. Yes, I can sit down with him and give my expectations which anyone looking at would seem reasonable. Be in by a certain time. You've not just gonna go hang out in the street and come home when you feel like it. No pot smoking in the house. Which means I don't even want to smell it on you. You will pay rent or some sort of nominal fee to board here. And if you need a month or 2 to get back up on your feet we can give you that but you need to be making plans to get out. Don't come up the last week and say, "I don't have anywhere lined up yet." 2 months is long enough. Save your money and stop smoking so much weed and you can go anything. You don't have to have the top of the line apartment, you just need your own key to go inside of it.
No, I love and care about her son. I've been here helping her raise him and his brother since they were around 7 or 8 years old. The youngest is 24 now and his older brother is 26. My daughter is also 24. I just have expectations. When I moved out of my parents house I wanted to show them I could make it on my own and I've never been back. I just don't want my house to now have a revolving door with unlimited access. My daughter only has one child. The other granddaughter is the child of the older step-son. Yes, I can sit down with him and give my expectations which anyone looking at would seem reasonable. Be in by a certain time. You've not just gonna go hang out in the street and come home when you feel like it. No pot smoking in the house. Which means I don't even want to smell it on you. You will pay rent or some sort of nominal fee to board here. And if you need a month or 2 to get back up on your feet we can give you that but you need to be making plans to get out. Don't come up the last week and say, "I don't have anywhere lined up yet." 2 months is long enough. Save your money and stop smoking so much weed and you can go anything. You don't have to have the top of the line apartment, you just need your own key to go inside of it.
Those *are* all very reasonable expectations that this young man should be able to understand and manage. Hopefully, you can get your wife on board with them and help you to get this young man on-track and out of the kids' room and your house soon!
You shouldn't have to be arguing with your wife about whether an open-ended freeloader situation is acceptable or not. It sounds like she was a pushover the entire time she raised this son, and continues to feel he should always get his way. This is a potential trains wreck for your marriage. How long have you been married, btw? Not that it matters, I guess; you made it clear in your OP, that you thought you were marrying into a basically child-free situation, and empty-nester situation, or one soon to become, and remain, an empty-nest, so you weren't prepared to deal with young-adult child issues. You may have to get couples counseling on this issue; this is taking a serious turn, if you two can't be on the same page.
I don't understand why dog odor is a problem now that the son "owns" the dog, but it wasn't a problem when you owned the dog. And why is the son keeping the dog's water dish in a bedroom? That makes no sense. Where was the water dish kept before the son took custody of the dog?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 05-21-2021 at 10:34 AM..
Looks like you are going to have to compromise with your wife. Son needs a bed. Wife wants him to have a TV. You do not want weed in your house. You want a reasonable "out of the house" plan.
Trying to get to a center here...
Help son to make space in the spare room. Spend the $$ to get him an inflatable bed and a TV for the room.. (Early birthday, Christmas presents). Get an agreement in place that no drugs in house, other room off limits, $$ for food, and plan to get his own place with time limits.
You will not get a good resolution without moving to the center.
I only suggested it because his step son's mother isn't likely to give this adult the boot any time soon--not because I approve of it.
With the kids sleeping in that room and with the O.P.'s wife enabling her child at every turn, i.e., he can't live in the spare room because there's no t.v. in there (the horror!) and the girls can just bunk up with grandma and grandpa when they visit (what the heck?), it's going to be either have the room reek of marijuana either through the son smoking in there/ bringing the odor back with him on his clothing or find an alternative that doesn't reek.
Given what we've been told by the O.P., I doubt that his wife would actively forbid her son from using weed while under their roof.
Funny thing is that I asked why he didn't bring his TV with him. When we visited him and his GF they only had 1 tv. The wife said it is now broken. So.......you didn't have a working TV at your place but now we have to give up the girl's room so you can again, have a TV. The crib is in that room and if you know anything about cribs, they typically are much wider than any door so we can't just roll it out without taking it apart. We don't have room in our bedroom for a crib, that's why we set up one of the spare rooms for the little girls. My suggestion is he clean up the other spare room. Buy himself an air mattress and possibly go to Goodwill or some thrift store and purchase a TV pretty cheap so he can set up his Xbox in there. I just don't see uprooting everything in our house simply because he's now back home.
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I would have allowed the step-son to move back in to get himself on his own two feet, but the dog would have been a deal breaker. When my step-daughter moved back in with us, she had to make other arrangement for her cat. If she wanted to keep the cat, she was going to have to find other accommodations.
Looks like you are going to have to compromise with your wife. Son needs a bed. Wife wants him to have a TV. You do not want weed in your house. You want a reasonable "out of the house" plan.
Trying to get to a center here...
Help son to make space in the spare room. Spend the $$ to get him an inflatable bed and a TV for the room.. (Early birthday, Christmas presents). Get an agreement in place that no drugs in house, other room off limits, $$ for food, and plan to get his own place with time limits.
You will not get a good resolution without moving to the center.
Why would they buy him a TV? That would only make him all too comfortable spending all his free time gaming on the TV. The idea is to NOT accommodate him so much, that he feels he's set for life. The idea is to encourage him to get a place with his own TV and bed. Perhaps a new TV could be offered as an incentive for him to get his own place; a house-warming gift after he moves out. But then again, another poster pointed out, that he has no way of convincing a LL he has gainful employment and a good rental history.
It seems fairly clear why the young couple broke up....
Maybe he should be encouraged to go back to community college to choose a viable profession. Does he have artistic skills? he studied graphic design? he could do a program in computer-based animation. That makes good money, if he could land a job in-between weed puffs.
You shouldn't have to be arguing with your wife about whether an open-ended freeloader situation is acceptable or not. It sounds like she was a pushover the entire time she raised this son, and continues to feel he should always get his way. This is a potential trains wreck for your marriage. How long have you been married, btw? Not that it matters, I guess; you made it clear in your OP, that you thought you were marrying into a basically child-free situation, and empty-nester situation, or one soon to become, and remain, an empty-nest, so you weren't prepared to deal with young-adult child issues. You may have to get couples counseling on this issue; this is taking a serious turn, if you two can't be on the same page.
I don't understand why dog odor is a problem now that the son "owns" the dog, but it wasn't a problem when you owned the dog. And why is the son keeping the dog's water dish in a bedroom? That makes no sense. Where was the water dish kept before the son took custody of the dog?
In regards to the dog, yes he was our family dog for years and YES, there was an issue with the dog smell. We kept her in the groomers but after a few days that nice pristine dog is back to being the same dog. We dealt with it. But when he decided to keep the dog that was a relief for us. We finally got the odor out of the house and didn't have to deal with a sheading husky several times a year. We kept the dog on the back side of our house in my work room where I do my wood working or either outside in the back yard during the day. Trust me, I was surprised as the next person when I woke to find the dog's water bowl sitting on the bedroom floor splashed all over the place. I would have at least put a towel or something under it.
Getting the wife to agree to a 30 or 60 day terms and he pays rent are going to be the biggest hurdle. I can hear her now, "your daughter didn't have to pay rent so why should he?" I guess because my daughter wasn't here for an indefinite amount of time. She was only here for the first few months of her daughter's birth and she was back at her own apartment after that.
If marijuana is legal in your State, perhaps your stepson could find additional or full time employment at a marijuana store. And, like someone else suggested, maybe he could switch to edibles (kept in a locked box) while he is staying with you.
Was his gf paying for most of the rent and household expenses? What I am wondering is if he needs a roommate to be able to live somewhere else? Does he have any friends that he could share a place with? Is living with you and your wife or being homeless basically his only options at this point?
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