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I am a people pleaser and always act very warm and friendly at the begining when entering a new team at work but some people feel I come off as trying too hard. Like I'm too eager to please and they withdraw. We are talking about Europe here, a big city in a Slavic country so warmth is expected only later between people. Yet I cannot help it, I act almost American at first. However apparently it doesnt suit me as I get bad results. The more I focus on pleasing myself and the less I care of pleasing others, the more others like me.
When I tone it down and actually take time to put myself first, that's when people don't feel creeped and suffocated by me. I think this has to do with seeking approval. I do it even with strangers by staring too much, like I expect to form/find friendhips or even love walking down the street or in the packed subway (how many people actualy meet like that, is it much rarer than on TV, right?) I've seen that the more I stare at people, the less they notice me. When I avoid looking at strangers girls start checking me out more. What gives? Do I give the creepy vibes when looking at people?
I am a people pleaser and always act very warm and friendly at the begining when entering a new team at work but some people feel I come off as trying too hard. Like I'm too eager to please and they withdraw. We are talking about Europe here, a big city in a Slavic country so warmth is expected only later between people. Yet I cannot help it, I act almost American at first. However apparently it doesnt suit me as I get bad results. The more I focus on pleasing myself and the less I care of pleasing others, the more others like me.
When I tone it down and actually take time to put myself first, that's when people don't feel creeped and suffocated by me. I think this has to do with seeking approval. I do it even with strangers by staring too much, like I expect to form/find friendhips or even love walking down the street or in the packed subway (how many people actualy meet like that, is it much rarer than on TV, right?) I've seen that the more I stare at people, the less they notice me. When I avoid looking at strangers girls start checking me out more. What gives? Do I give the creepy vibes when looking at people?
Staring at someone you do not know over a culturally acceptable time, like over just a few seconds, is indeed scary and in fact can be seen as rude and creepy. As you said, the more you please yourself....
Yes, your use of the word "staring" gives me a creep factor, not a needy factor. Glancing occasionally might be fine. I would stop staring and stop coming off really strong when you first meet people-- especially if it's culturally not the norm where you are. Your last paragraph shows you have it figured out. So follow what you've learned.
I am a people pleaser and always act very warm and friendly at the begining when entering a new team at work but some people feel I come off as trying too hard. Like I'm too eager to please and they withdraw. We are talking about Europe here, a big city in a Slavic country so warmth is expected only later between people. Yet I cannot help it, I act almost American at first. However apparently it doesnt suit me as I get bad results. The more I focus on pleasing myself and the less I care of pleasing others, the more others like me.
When I tone it down and actually take time to put myself first, that's when people don't feel creeped and suffocated by me. I think this has to do with seeking approval. I do it even with strangers by staring too much, like I expect to form/find friendhips or even love walking down the street or in the packed subway (how many people actualy meet like that, is it much rarer than on TV, right?) I've seen that the more I stare at people, the less they notice me. When I avoid looking at strangers girls start checking me out more. What gives? Do I give the creepy vibes when looking at people?
The people you don't think are "noticing" you are – but they're avoiding you because, yes, staring is creepy.
After all, you are noticing the girls "checking you out" when you're not "looking" at them, right?
Do you have any close friends or family who could help you with your socialization skills?
Staring at someone you do not know over a culturally acceptable time, like over just a few seconds, is indeed scary and in fact can be seen as rude and creepy. As you said, the more you please yourself....
But it also affects me - I live in a 1.5 mil city and walking in the city center overcrowded with locals and tourists makes me exhausted if I acknowledge every passer by. I've noticed it makes me anxious after a while, it feels too intense. In a smaller, less-packed place it's understandable to do it, but I guess in a big city it's tiring as huge crowds are not natural, we haven't evolved to live in cities but in smaller groups...
I used the wrong word - I don't ususally stare, I glance but I find glancing at too many people makes me anxious as it's too stimulating.
GraceKrispy, well I learned being that way by the people on American TV and movies - everyone in them is so bubbly and with those huge smiles and talking to random strangers (small talk). American culture is a total outlier in the world, so the problem is not with Europe, Asia, etc. but with the US. This constant glancing and small talk is what leads to no boundaries and violence.
A trick I learned from New Yorkers: don't look at ANYONE on the street. This makes you much less scary. This is the way they get along in a city of XX million.
But it also affects me - I live in a 1.5 mil city and walking in the city center overcrowded with locals and tourists makes me exhausted if I acknowledge every passer by. I've noticed it makes me anxious after a while, it feels too intense. In a smaller, less-packed place it's understandable to do it, but I guess in a big city it's tiring as huge crowds are not natural, we haven't evolved to live in cities but in smaller groups...
I used the wrong word - I don't ususally stare, I glance but I find glancing at too many people makes me anxious as it's too stimulating.
GraceKrispy, well I learned being that way by the people on American TV and movies - everyone in them is so bubbly and with those huge smiles and talking to random strangers (small talk). American culture is a total outlier in the world, so the problem is not with Europe, Asia, etc. but with the US. This constant glancing and small talk is what leads to no boundaries and violence.
I thought it was kind of strange when you originally spoke of "acting American" in the OP, because it doesn't really tell us what exactly you're doing. But your last line just makes me wonder if you're just looking to bash America and its culture.
At any rate, acting something that you're not rubs people wrong anywhere. Insincerity anywhere isn't welcomed.
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