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IF she has someone to go out to eat with, a restaurant gift card would be great. If she is really alone and wishes she could eat out with her son... it might cause more pain.
I have to admit I shook my head a bit over the suggestion of a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card or the like. Someone on disability in subsidized housing does not need Saks. How about gift cards to the local markets or nearby delivery restaurants?
I'd consider mailing off a big care package with stuff like a warm robe or comfy sweater, non-perishable food stuff she normally wouldn't buy but is actually useful, and have some flowers or a houseplant delivered. A long phone call, card or letter would be great too, in my opinion.
It's very nice that you want to do something special for her.
I agree with those saying to send a nice card and some small type of gift. Maybe a gift card to a spa or for a massage or a manicure/pedicure or something? Something she can treat herself to, sort of relax and try to enjoy a day or a few hours? You know her better than us, do you think something like that would be appropriate for her at this time or that she would like it? If not, maybe something she would like. Maybe even just flowers or an edible arrangements gift. I can say that I would appreciate a small gift like anything I mentioned if I were her, though personally I am less of a flowers person but would gladly and appreciatively accept them and display them.
She sounds like a very nice, thoughtful person and I feel sorry for her.
IF she has someone to go out to eat with, a restaurant gift card would be great. If she is really alone and wishes she could eat out with her son... it might cause more pain.
I have to admit I shook my head a bit over the suggestion of a Saks Fifth Avenue gift card or the like. Someone on disability in subsidized housing does not need Saks. How about gift cards to the local markets or nearby delivery restaurants?
I'd consider mailing off a big care package with stuff like a warm robe or comfy sweater, non-perishable food stuff she normally wouldn't buy but is actually useful, and have some flowers or a houseplant delivered. A long phone call, card or letter would be great too, in my opinion.
It's very nice that you want to do something special for her.
I like the Care Package idea, too!
She really is a good person! When I met her, I was taking a semester at NYU to study film. She had run away from an abusive home situation in WA state.
I'd always wished that her life would improve, but as with so many, it hasn't. After years of low paying factory work, she developed physical conditions that have made that kind of work, and anything that involves standing or using her right arm, impossible.
We worked together as waitresses in NYC way back when, and she had to be one of the hardest workers there. She's sweet and cheerful, also.
Her son was with a man, who she really loved. I think he loved her too, but he wasn't the type to settle down, and she knew it. She quietly raised him, and never asked the father for any support. (Although I know he would have helped, she didn't want to look like a "gold digger".
He looked so much like his dad at his age. I think this has really been devistating to her.
I'm talking to her grown daughter later on. I hope to run some of these ideas by her and make sure that she will be able to take her out that day.
I'm going to suggest something too. Don't think of this as a "better" idea, because there were a lot of good ideas, but consider it an alternative idea.
What about a card plus paying her phone bill for the month or months. In your card, tell her you paid her phone bill to pay for her next long distance phone call to you. At least in the old days, non-related people could make a payment to someone else's account because utilities didn't care who paid, just so long as they were paid.
Now, today most people have free long distance plans so they don't have long distance charges like we used to see. But this would be a way to give her some money for necessities without giving her some money in a way that makes it seem like you know she's struggling to pay for necessities. And unlike directly paying for a luxury item she really may not need when money for necessities would be more handy, with this, you're paying for a necessity, her phone bill, while pretending to pay for a luxury item that benefits both of you, a long distance phone call to you.
I agree with others, definitely a "thinking of you" card and a gift card. I would make the gift card to something like a Target Supercenter, that way she could buy groceries or clothing or anything she wanted or needed. We do this at Christmas for one of my sister in laws who is financially on a tight budget. It means a lot to her.
I would give my friend a call on mother's day and tell her I was thinking about her and her son. when a person is in grief, sometimes the greatest gift we can offer is an ear to listen.
This woman lost her eldest child, a son of 32, in February. He died under mysterious circumstances. Drugs have been ruled out. Murder has not.
We met in NYC when we were in our early 20s. We were from very different backgrounds and our lives went in diifferent directions.
She became a single mother of three. She is on disability and lives in subsidised housing.
Before you judge her, she is kind to a fault. She remembers my birthday every year and sends me some little trinket and a card.
I have not been so faithful.
This Mother's Day is certainly going to be difficult for her.
I want to send her a gift. I think she could use money, but I feel strange sending that.
What would you do?
Does she have any kind of yard space? Maybe you could send her a gift card to a garden nursery? I don't know...seems like it could be comforting, and satisfying, planting things, and watching them grow, and come back year after year.
This woman lost her eldest child, a son of 32, in February. He died under mysterious circumstances.
What would you do?
My son died five years ago when he was 19, either murder or suicide from OTC medication -- could have been either, and we will probably never know the truth unless his ex-girlfriend confesses. (She was/is psychopathic with severe emotional problems due to an abusive background -- no exaggeration! -- and he broke up with her the day before his death, but my son had two attempted suicide attempts in the 18 months prior to his death.)
So I think I am in a better position than many others to advise. I think you SHOULD send a card and also offer to take her out someplace nice just to talk and show you care because that is the kind of person she is to others, and it has been my observation that people generally treat others how they would want to be treated in return.
However, for myself -- in contrast -- as I am a very reserved (outwardly cold and introverted) person, such a gesture would just make me even more sad and uncomfortable, but that is because I prefer to keep others at a distance and keep my feelings to myself unless I feel very comfortable around someone; and that currently applies to just one person, my husband. So, in my case, I would prefer that everyone just ignore the fact that the fifth anniversary of my son's death is in three weeks.
So, to repeat, I think the personality of the person undergoing any kind of crisis should be one's guide as to how to acknowledge a death or time of extreme stress. (However, I will say that all the notes I received at the time of my son's death were VERY much appreciated!)
P.S. You sound like a very kind and caring person, and I think your friends are very fortunate to have you for their friend.
Last edited by katharsis; 04-26-2018 at 09:46 AM..
This woman lost her eldest child, a son of 32, in February. He died under mysterious circumstances. Drugs have been ruled out. Murder has not.
We met in NYC when we were in our early 20s. We were from very different backgrounds and our lives went in diifferent directions.
She became a single mother of three. She is on disability and lives in subsidised housing.
Before you judge her, she is kind to a fault. She remembers my birthday every year and sends me some little trinket and a card.
I have not been so faithful.
This Mother's Day is certainly going to be difficult for her.
I want to send her a gift. I think she could use money, but I feel strange sending that.
What would you do?
I would contact her and take her out for a luncheon or dinner, and then gift her with a Mother's Day Card, with a Gift Card in it and write something in it like, "I just wanted you to know, how much I've appreciated your kind heart over the years...." Say nothing of the child, unless she brings it up, and then go along with what she said and change the subject....so she doesn't get upset....
Later, walk with her to her home and then if she wants to talk about her son, do so...she will most likely get upset, but it might be a great outlet for her....discuss with her happy memories you have of him.
so nice of you to think of her...
if she doesn't want to go out, then make her a special dinner, bring her over, and enjoy each other's company...and maybe that would be better than my first suggestion of taking her out...she may not want to go out...you know her better than most...but believe she would enjoy the one on one with you....
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