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The point is not if the relationship with these people will be improved or destroyed. The point is my mental health and well being.
Your mental health and well being is more important than anything else so I say cancel the wedding....than buy a box of Uncle's Ben's white rice on sale and go somewhere to elope and after the person marrying the two of is done, throw rice at each other and then go and make it a memorable wedding night just the two of you.....
I have thought about this. We are only inviting parents and siblings to the actual ceremony, which is at the courthouse, but even that has become a huge sticking point for religious relatives who are livid that we aren't getting married at a church (and that they aren't invited to the ceremony.) Some have bowed out which is fine by us, but others are still making lots of noise about this. Least of our problems at the moment.
I'm going to be blunt. If you are not ready to cut truly dysfunctional people out of your life, like in 10 minutes, you are not ready to be married. If your spouse is not ready to do the same, you are marrying the wrong spouse.
The ONLY people who should be at your wedding are people you genuinely love and respect. And if there are none of those people in your family, then none of your family should be at your wedding.
Invite ONLY the people you love and respect. Whoever shows up shows up.
And after the wedding is over: Only people you love and respect should be in your life. And if there are people in your family, including your parents or siblings, who do not have your love and respect: CUT THEM OUT.
This is simple, but you have to be mature, you have to know what you want, and you have to be willing to take rational action to get what you want. It's called adulthood.
I'd tell your mom that you can invite whomever you want and she can feel free to not show up to her own son/daughter's wedding. If you don't want your dad's girlfriend there, don't invite them. Throw around some phrase like "you raised me to be better than you are acting now."
They'll come around. But if they don't, your parents can live with the regret that they didn't go to your wedding.
My opinion is that the Dad is in the wrong totally. And, considering the way he is sabotaging your wedding because he wants to disrespect your MIL I'd be avoiding him going forward. And, the girlfriend can't be a very thoughtful person either...anyone with any sense would not be planning to come knowing she is being used like this.
I haven't read your other threads as referenced by another poster, but it sounds like this is an ongoing issue while you plan this wedding. For me, it might be a total deal breaker regarding marrying this man....because if he can't put his foot down and protect you now....it doesn't bode well for future family situations.
You have the perfect excuse, because the parents have drawn their lines in the sand....and you want them to all celebrate your wedding....this is a solution....Plan an elopement, and go visit these folks for your honeymoon. That way you can give them the chance to host small family receptions....in separate locations.
I feel badly that you are going through such dysfunctional family dynamics, when this should be one of the best times in your life.
My opinion is that the Dad is in the wrong totally. And, considering the way he is sabotaging your wedding because he wants to disrespect your MIL I'd be avoiding him going forward. And, the girlfriend can't be a very thoughtful person either...anyone with any sense would not be planning to come knowing she is being used like this.
I haven't read your other threads as referenced by another poster, but it sounds like this is an ongoing issue while you plan this wedding. For me, it might be a total deal breaker regarding marrying this man....because if he can't put his foot down and protect you now....it doesn't bode well for future family situations.
You have the perfect excuse, because the parents have drawn their lines in the sand....and you want them to all celebrate your wedding....this is a solution....Plan an elopement, and go visit these folks for your honeymoon. That way you can give them the chance to host small family receptions....in separate locations.
I feel badly that you are going through such dysfunctional family dynamics, when this should be one of the best times in your life.
Please keep updating.
The girlfriend might not have any idea that her presence isn't welcome. She may have asked many times "Are you SURE everyone is cool with me being there?" And the father, being an ass, says "Sure! Everyone is fine with you being there." Who knows.
I still think you tell the parents you got tired of dealing with their crap, and already got married, so there's no wedding to attend, to cause their shenanigans.
The girlfriend might not have any idea that her presence isn't welcome. She may have asked many times "Are you SURE everyone is cool with me being there?" And the father, being an ass, says "Sure! Everyone is fine with you being there." Who knows.
I still think you tell the parents you got tired of dealing with their crap, and already got married, so there's no wedding to attend, to cause their shenanigans.
From the OP...."Dad's girlfriend was not invited but dad mentioned his guest a few days ago-- fiance and I had no idea she existed"
We don't know.....But, with the girlfriend not having ever met the couple....it is certainly a fair guess. We can agree that the OP needs to stop this wedding for sure.....for one of two reasons....both of which involve the man she is getting ready to marry.
Practice saying this to all the invitees: "XXX and I invited people to share this day with us. We are not in charge of their behavior. You may come or not, as you see fit, but we expect everyone to realize that this day is important to us."
Don't let them manipulate you or hijack the focus of the wedding. Anytime anyone complains to you about anything tell them that it's not your business or your concern.
I also second the idea of you two just getting married without anyone else there. You can cancel the courthouse ceremony with your parents and just have the reception. What does your fiancee say about all of it?
Finally, if your fiance is on board, you certainly can elope. Your wedding is about you and your husband and you need to do what you can to make sure it's a pleasant day for the two of you.
YOU are the one in charge and you need to act like it.The 40 people who you KNOW will not bring drama...just invite them and tell the others that because of their behavior...they will not be invited and be done with it.It's suppose to be you and your finance's happy day and it will not be if you both are worrying about the behavior of others.YOU guys have paid for he wedding so it's YOUR decision on how you want it to be and whom you want at it.I honestly think that your finance's dad is being a jerk by feeling the need to invite his gf just so soon after his divorce.If it was a yr after the divorce then fine but to rub it in the face of his ex-wife is cruel and childish.You guys need to invite the 40 people OR cancel everything and just elope to someplace nice and just send a video to everyone explaining your choice and be done with it.
I totally agree with Codergirl, if they can't act like adults, then you have to treat them like children.
Enough is enough, and you shouldn't have to pay for they're mistakes.....
Tell them they are no longer invited, and if one says they are not going to come, tell them, "Well, that's your decision".
I can understand your mother being hurt, but making all this fuss, that she isn't coming is wrong, but it's also wrong for your dad to bring his girlfriend...
Maybe you should just take the money and go away somewhere beautiful and forget all about trying to please others...it's your day, so talk it over with your husband to be, and decide.
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