Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I grew up in Southern California as the older of two brothers. All our extended family lived in Hong Kong, so we hardly knew them. Was bullied in school because our school district was super-competitive, and I was not a very good student, so it was actually a stigma not to be a nerd. I also have borderline Asperger's, so I never had many friends, which are hard to make anyways in materialistic, fast-paced Southern California. After 20 years of living in SoCal, I still feel like an outsider.
That's why I won't be missing my family or friends (with the exception of my brother) once I move to Houston. But I want to stay single. In addition to not having any close female relatives, I am an engineering major. As a result, it's very hard for me to get along with girls and I usually have zero female friends. Which means I'll probably stay single.
Which is not hard at all if you have plenty of nice relatives nearby, but I will have none when I move to Houston. So I need ways to stay single and be happy. Such as:
1. Career and Money. Work hard, invest hard, and save up for retirement. Build a solid career, rise up the corporate ladder, design better technology. The joy of knowing you're rich, well-accomplished and well-respected in your field, and helping others with your money and mentoring, should more than compensate for the joy of a spouse.
2. Hobbies. My great dream is to become an amateur concert pianist (not unusual--there are many doctors who are amateur concert pianists/composers.) I will play Chopin and Rachmaninoff Piano Concertos (yes, I'm already at that level) with orchestras a few times a year. The orchestra will become my family. And, while I may never be the groom at a wedding, people will hire me to play at their weddings. Yay, free food!
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
It's sounds like because of your ASD that thinking about real life formulaically. If you want to be single, make life choices that will make you happy. Fantasizing about "if I do X, Y will happen" is a recipe for disappointment. You're not doomed to be lonely just because you're an engineer with no family nearby.
Like with your example #2. Are you already a concert pianist? How do you imagine that orchestras will just let you play with them? A side gig as a wedding/hotel pianist is plausible, but you have to know the right people and how to get your foot in the door. If you're very religious, maybe joining a church and getting involved with music that way would be a great opportunity for you.
OP, believing yourself to be doomed to singlehood due to being an engineering major is ridiculous. If you have any engineers in the family in Hong Kong, it's a pretty good bet that they're not single. You seem to have picked up some negative stereotypes about engineers from the American environment you grew up in. I'm from a family of engineers, and believe me, nobody was doomed to singlehood. In many cultures around the world, engineers are considered the pillars of society, like lawyers are (or used to be) in the US, are considered desirable "catches", and have no difficulty socializing.
It's not clear from your thread title and post whether you want to be single your whole life, or whether you want to find a way to escape singled, or whether you feel resigned to it, as a fate almost worse than death. I think you should lose your bad attitude about engineers, and work on socializing. Engineers, like other professionals, are perfectly able to both have a social life, and climb the career ladder. They're able to both have a family, and be successful in their field. Even without climbing any ladders, they can live a happy, contented, middle-class life with a family, based on their engineering practice.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-14-2018 at 02:12 PM..
OP, believing yourself to be doomed to singlehood due to being an engineering major is ridiculous. If you have any engineers in the family in Hong Kong, it's a pretty good bet that they're not single. You seem to have picked up some negative stereotypes about engineers from the American environment you grew up in.
I'm from a family of engineers, and believe me, nobody was doomed to singlehood. In many cultures around the world, engineers are considered the pillars of society, like lawyers are (or sued to be) in the US, are considered desirable "catches", and have no difficulty socializing.
It's not clear from your thread title and post whether you want to be single your whole life, or whether you want to find a way to escape singled, or whether you feel resigned to it, as a fate almost worse than death.
I think you should lose your bad attitude about engineers, and work on socializing. Engineers, like other professionals, are perfectly able to both have a social life, and climb the career ladder. They're able to both have a family, and be successful in their field. Even without climbing any ladders, they can live a happy, contented, middle-class life with a family, based on their engineering practice.
There are quite a few engineers in my extended family, both men and women, and they all dated and had typical social lives in HS and college. They are now all married and successful, and with the exception of the newlywed, all have children. Heck, my husband's grandfather was an engineer way back in the 1930s and he was (obviously) married and had children after he got his degree.
Now, it may be more difficult being on/near the autism spectrum but it does not make it impossible.
Another kid from an engineer parent writing this. The engineer parent was undiagnosed but obviously lived with Asperger's and yes, also happened to be a pianist. They produced 3 children and were happily married. It can and does happen! You can also be happy and be single if you want to. I suspect your "hobby" will provide opportunities to meet someone who shares your interest.
What do you think? Would this be good enough for you to stay single and happy?
I am a conservative Christian, so no, porn is definitely not on the list. Nor is sex and cohabitation outside/before marriage.
I am doomed to be single too. I am just apparently a natural loner. People don't really make me happy and often make me unhappy. So, I have just accepted my fate. I can count one hand the people in my life that have improved it and frankly most of them turned out to be real disappointments.
Here are my suggestions.
1. Money: Money is freedom. Because you are single you will have the luxury to be able save money and when you retire, use it for fun. Money also enables you to get good health care.
2. Health: With time and money you can keep your health in good shape. Instead of worrying about your spouse or kids you put that time into you and will live well and longer.
3. Hobbies.. well this is a large one but yes, I have hobbies such as gardening, cooking, etc. I get great satisfaction out of learning them and doing them well.
4. Pets: Cats and Dogs are just better than people. Get one.
5. Movies / Netflix: I enjoy both TV and movies when they are good. And you can always find good surprises if you look hard enough.
6. Internet interaction: You do need some interaction but real life interaction can be problematic for number of reasons. Being able to disconnect or ghost people that are toxic or making you unhappy is great. Or better yet, interaction with strangers so you don't get too connected.
7. Volunteering: depending on what you do you might not need to interact with people at all or the people you interact with will be desperately happy to see you. The sky is the limit.
8. You say you are christian so I would assume church might be a good way to keep some joy in your life.
There is ZIP wrong with being a loner and you don't have to have social interaction if that isn't for you. Read about buddhism which basically says you are all you will ever need. One point I will make is that I traveled to the south and found people just... nicer. So you might experience some culture shock in a good way.
Last edited by Arya Stark; 04-14-2018 at 02:46 PM..
However, I think you'd be better off, rather than accepting the idea that it's hard for you to make friends, especially female friends, if you instead tried harder and put a little more effort into it. So reach out a little. If you're a church-goer, attend some events at your church. Invite a co-worker out to lunch. Look for any groups that get together to go to concerts.
If you’re trying to compensate for being single, at least you have a plan.
Here’s an idea: when you get your degree and a good job, maybe you should visit your family in China and have them set you up with a potential spouse. Who knows, you might be ready by then.
Your life will change once you meet “the right one”. How do you know she’s the right one? People told me you will know once you meet her which, for an engineer, this is a very frustrating thing to understand because there are no objective, quantifiable metric to “determine “ if she’s the “right one”. But speaking from personal experience, I must say they were right. They also say “when you least expecting it”, at that point you might as well throw your hands in the air....
But being an engineer is actually very desirable as a marriage material;
1). She doesn’t have to worry about you cheat on her. Your definition of cheating is to lie about where you’ve been so you can spend extra few hours at the office or laboratory
2). You are highly competitive so it will be easy for your wife to get you to do the house work you don’t want to do. She just have to say that’s okay I’ll ask Joe next door to fix this because he’s SMART!
3). Best of all, you will produce intelligent, socially awkward, children who will probably begin to earn an income before they lose their virginities. You won’t need to worry about them getting into trouble, hanging out with wrong crowds growing up, except maybe hacking into government computers.
Last edited by HB2HSV; 04-15-2018 at 11:27 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
