How to tell my mom that she cannot live with us? (children, relatives)
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I'm 30y/o, married 4 years, no kids. My mother (50y/o) and I have a strained relationship. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I've never really had a relationship with my dad. While growing up I was passed around from family member to family member to stay with for short periods of time because my mother couldn't always deal with me. I was with my grandparents when I was really young almost everyday for a long period of time. I really do believe that she wasn't ready to have a kid and I also believe she did the best she could as a single mother.
My mother is very controlling and she can be selfish and as I grew up while living with her we argued almost everyday until my husband got me out of her house at 22 years old. We do not see eye-to-eye on a lot of things and she has called me disrespectful and she has said many times that she's disappointed in me. She does not make me feel good about myself and when I'm around her I'm not happy and I think we have a toxic relationship. We have these extremely rare moments when we're both happy and having a good time. I guess despite all of the bad stuff in our relationship still spend time with her because she is my mother.
My mom slepped over Friday night and today we made cookies as we do every year for Christmas. We do spend some holidays together and other times, but it's rare.
My mom lives an hour away and the lease is up on her apartment so her plans were to move in with my uncle in January 2017 to save for a house. She has a job working for a law firm and they recently told her she could work permanently from home so she's choosing to move closer to me and the family. Let me just say that my mother makes more money than my husband and I combined. So she could easily find an apartment around here while saving for a house.
I want to also just say that I have bent over backwards for my mother for years and just because she put a roof over my head and clothed me does not mean that I owe her. I shouldn't have to pay my mother back for doing what she was supposed to do as a mother.
So today out of the blue she suggests that she should live here for 6 months instead of living with my uncle. My uncle is a grouch and can sometimes be difficult to deal with, however a few of her friends offered for her to stay with them. Immediately say no because we don't have the best relationship and we argue constantly and I think it would cause more stress with myself and the relationship between my husband and I. She did offer to pay rent or buy groceries and cook dinner but I don't think that is worth the anxiety and stress that I'm going to have with her living here.
I called my cousin because she knows what I go through with my mom and I was surprised to hear that she was taking my mom's side on this. And just so suddenly after condemning my mother for treating me like garbage on my 30th birthday.
After about an hour of talking about it with my husband I decided to tell my mom that we would think about it and we would need a lot of time and that I was not saying yes. I spent the day with my mom and then she came home and we had dinner with my husband and after my mother left to go home my husband and I talked about it and I said the more I think about it the more I don't want to do this. I know it's only six months but who knows if something's going to happen in her life that she would ask to extend that time. And since we don't agree on anything I can just imagine us arguing everyday and her complaining that the bathroom isn't clean or that I'm not living my life the way I should be or that I don't agree with her on everything. I would end up pulling my hair out and it's not worth it.
I am not great with words when it comes to telling people no and especially with my mom because to her no is not a complete sentence and it needs to be followed up with reasons that she would understand. In this situation no matter what I say if it's not the answer she wants to hear she's going to be angry and I don't know what to do.
Letting her stay for a few months could be your ace in the hole in the future. Clearly state the desired relationship/living boundaries and deadline for her stay with ya'll. When she starts her annoying ungrateful behavior, you'll be able to pull that card on her for the rest of your life! Plus, she can't justifiably hold it against you. Good luck.
Every single poster has told you that saying "no" is the right thing. That should give you the courage of your own convictions and enable you to tell your mother in no uncertain terms that this would not work.
Please follow everyone's advice. I see nothing but bad results from your mother's suggestion.
You need to call your uncle. It sounds to me like he knows his sister, and told her, "No Way!"
It's not for six months, it's for as long as your mother wants it to be. If you let her move in, the only way to get rid of her is to evict her. Do not let her move in unless you want to live with her for the rest of her life.
There have been numerous posters on CD who have written that their parents (or their adult children) moved in with them "for a few months" or "temporarily" or "under they saved some money" and the posters write that it has now been several years, and sometimes several decades and they still have not been able to get them to leave.
OP, do not let that happen to you and your spouse. Tell her "No" and do not let her move in. If Mom has such a great salary she should be able to save up to buy a house on her own, even if her brother refuses to let her live with him rent-free. (And, haven't you wondered why that deal fell through?) Or, she could stay with one of her friends who said that she could live with them.
My Mother was wonderful, gave me everything and was very loving - even then - it was very hard having her live in my home when she got older - what I am saying is even with a great relationship it was very hard to live together......it also put a tremendous strain on my marriage
Move into a smaller place that has zero room for a guest and save the extra money towards a different place. Tell her she inspired you to better yourself. How can she be mad at that, and the best part is that there really is no room.
Okay that might be a tad drastic disrupting your life like that. Just say NO.
Under these circumstances, I agree with you and would not let her move in.
Best to say it just outright. I'd say, "Mom, yu make a good living and have my uncle to move in with. You also have the salary to rent your own apt. We're trying to establish a good marriage here. I think it would put a strain on our married relationship and a strain on our relationship with you. I think it's best that you not live with us at this time. I hope you understand. I DO love you, and you are welcome to come here any time, and I hope you do. But us all living together would not be a good idea right now."
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