Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You said you mother doesn't have strong feelings for the man she lives with, but she appreciates the comfortable life he has provided. I asked what alternatives can you offer if she were to leave him? You said she isn't good with money, so can she even afford to live on her own?
If she didn't have an absolutely ridiculous number of cats, and were willing to live in an apartment rather than a house, she could live just fine on her own. I've talked with her about this, but she insists she needs a house. She doesn't seem to understand that houses require much upkeep, which isn't practical as she gets older.
I don't know what the point of therapy is for negative feelings. I don't like her. Therapy won't change that. As long as I'm not planning to kill her, I'm just introducing a topic for discussion. It's sort of like how Eminem felt about his mom for so many years...
As I get older I've come to a startling realization as my own parents visited me this weekend.
There are in most of our lives very few people that truly love us. Now, they may suck at it....they may be irritating at times but their heart is in the right place.
Sometimes, you gotta take what you can get and appreciate it for what it is.
It's possible that your lack of other attachments is causing you to resent your mom for the one attachment you have not being perfect?
I suggest some introspection and as others have mentioned some therapy. Trust me, I'm the king of hating therapy and yet I'm going soon to work on some family issues myself. Maybe we can circle back in a year and talk about the success.
Best wishes.
P.S. reading between the lines here but with no other attachments and your step-dad being capt. redneck and not liking you....are you gay? If so, you grew up in a tougher era towards gays and that can be difficult on it's own.
The other guy ( lol and rolling eyeballs) is 82 years old and was born in 1933. That's old enough to be the OP's grandfather.
If she didn't have an absolutely ridiculous number of cats, and were willing to live in an apartment rather than a house, she could live just fine on her own. I've talked with her about this, but she insists she needs a house. She doesn't seem to understand that houses require much upkeep, which isn't practical as she gets older.
I don't know what the point of therapy is for negative feelings. I don't like her. Therapy won't change that. As long as I'm not planning to kill her, I'm just introducing a topic for discussion. It's sort of like how Eminem felt about his mom for so many years...
Just try it. You can't tell me that you have been just fine, since the age 12. You have a lot of anxiety and may need something mild. ( It does wonders, really) and not everyone in out-patient counseling is a freak. You'll find out, that none of us can pick our parents. It's always that genetic thing.
The hate is unnecessary, given the age and situation. You disapprove of her choices, but you're out on your own - her problems are only your problems if you make them your problems. She's not financially or logistically dependent on you, and is making her own decisions. Her life is her life to screw up, basically.
I think, out of 3, only 82-y-o redneck has brain and guts. Thank him for taking care of your mom and move on.
No, he's actually an insecure POS. She admits to me that she's essentially taking advantage of him and he's too stupid to see it. She's basically using him for a comfortable place to stay because he' can't handle being alone. If he were alone he'd wither and die like the pathetic POS he is.
And here's the thing about therapy: It's effectiveness is actually quite dicey. Once our personality and tendencies have crystallized, there's actually very little that can be done to permanently rectify our issues. Therapy is complex, and often doesn't actually work very well:
No, he's actually an insecure POS. She admits to me that she's essentially taking advantage of him and he's too stupid to see it. She's basically using him for a comfortable place to stay because he' can't handle being alone. If he were alone he'd wither and die like the pathetic POS he is.
And here's the thing about therapy: It's effectiveness is actually quite dicey. Once our personality and tendencies have crystallized, there's actually very little that can be done to permanently rectify our issues. Therapy is complex, and often doesn't actually work very well:
That's a step-to-step guide on what to ask a therapist. Okay, so you diss the therapy.. so accept your mothers choice of staying with a comfy POS then. She is and will remain unbalanced. The results of that action is learning how not to bond in close relationships.(below)
Actually, the thread just came full circle
Quote:
Originally Posted by PanapolicRiddle
I'm a 44 year old male, no sibling. Growing up I usually highly contentious relationship with my mother. Her family -including her- has a long history of depression and anxiety, and diabetes. From about age 12, I've been convinced she should not have had children because of her mental and physical health issues. In early adulthood, we seemed to have reconciled, but for the past few years any fondness I felt for her has completely eroded and has now festered into disgust and hatred for her. Here are a few things that have happened:
My parents divorced about 25 years ago. About 15 years ago, my mom started dating a guy who's don't get along with. She moved in to his place about 12 years ago. My mom is fairly well-educated and liberal, but her boyfriend is an ignorant, judgmental redneck. My mom is 72, he's 82. When they first started dating, he was openly racist, but now keeps these view private because it bothers my mom. I'm pretty sure he's still racist, just not overtly. He also thinks it's terrible the same-sex marriage and marijuana are become socially acceptable.
Since we're so different and don't get along, and have had some conflicts, my mom's boyfriend no longer allows me to come over. He also keeps her on a figurative leash: He's very restrictive of how long she's allowed to be gone, and he won't let her come over to my area (she lives about 90 minutes away).
I know it's her life, and if she wants to be a in relationship with him, that's fine. But I've lost virtually all respect for her because she lets him dictate so much of her life. She's also admitted to me that, while they get along, she doesn't really feel much for him, and is primarily with him because he provides her with a comfortable living situation.
Over the course of living together, they've acquired about 12 cats, of age range 2-14 years. I'm baffled why anyone would do this, and disgusted that two persons their age would. They say they think of the cats as their children, which, to me, seems unbelievably effed up. Why would two persons who aged 72 and 82 want 'children', much less ersatz children in the form of cats?
Finally, my mom is completely financially inept. If something did happen to her, I'd be left with a huge mess to deal with. If something happened to her boyfriend, I'd also have the cats to deal with, which I don't want.
As a consequence of all this, I no longer feel any love, respect, or even attachment to my mother. In fact, at least once a day I find myself thinking something along the lines of, 'It'd be nice if something happened to her, and she just died. She's one of the most emotionally retarded and worthless persons who's ever lived, and I, and the world would be better off if she ceased to exist.'
I know this is really harsh, but this is genuinely how I feel; I want her to die sooner rather than later. Does anyone else harbor such animosity towards one of your parents?
Last edited by thegreenflute334; 04-26-2015 at 10:19 PM..
I feel ya, OP. I often wish my mom was dead as well due to my history of abuse that she let happen.
But don't take it out on the cats, dude. They didn't do anything to you.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
