My mom is "starting to hate me". How not to argue with her? (guilty, talks)
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So, I spoke to my mother today and unfortunately I try not to speak to her because its almost always the same song and dance. She's always depressed, always stressing out, always has something negative to say, feels like the world owes her something and she's either sometimes high from popping and mixing her pills or she just has a bone to pick with me.
It's just hard to get along with my mother nowadays because she's only happy if she has her pills, if I can do her a favor or give her money. The reason why sometimes I don't visit her. I try everything in my power to get her to break away from her depression. I try taking her to shows, do some walking around in a nice park, even church which I'm not into but she LOVES to quote the bible and talks about going to church all the time. I gave up because I realized that I can only do so much and we almost always get into an argument because I'm basically the only one in the family who tells her something about her and her pill popping addiction while everyone just sugar coats everything or says nothing because they are afraid of hurting her feelings.
My mother is also mad because I decided to move out a over a year ago. She said she'll rent out the room I was staying in if I moved and since I wanted to anyway, I packed up and got a place of my own to stay. Now she's complaining that she's not getting help and that she can't handle my two younger brothers and yada, yada, yada. We spoke face-to-face today and she told me that she's having "bad feelings towards me" and that she's beginning to hate me.
At this point, I just dismissed myself and left. I wasn't really hurt but just highly annoyed. It's coming to the point where I can't even argue with my mother anymore and I realized its something I don't need in my life. I feel like at 27, arguing with your parents is probably just silly but my mother is just absolutely ridiculous at times and I can't help but just yell at her out of frustration and anger.
I wish I was a millionaire and can give my mother whatever she wants but she never seems to be happy with me unless I do what SHE wants. It's sad to say but I've become cold, distant, annoyed and disinterested in talking to my mother. I can even go weeks without having contact with her without feeling guilty where before I would contact her at least every other day to make sure she is okay. Now I just call my grandmother and ask through her how my mother is doing.
How should I handle my mother? I'm getting so tired of her and she's just nothing but a negative Nancy to be around. If she was my friend, she wouldn't be in my life but since she's my mother and I have a relationship with my two other really annoying brothers, my sister, nephew and grandmother, I pretty much have to come in contact with my mother. Her basically telling me she hates me has drawn the line for me and I just can't stand her anymore. I don't understand what I've done to her as I've always been a good son and dealt with so much of her bull sheet. Sure, I've done harmless, mischievous antics as a kid and teenager and had my moments but that was so few and far between. Other than that I've always been hard working, obedient and always have bent over backwards for her since I was a kid. I've been through her drug and alcohol abuse and her physically and verbal abuses she's delivered to me for the pettiest of reasons amongst other things.
If I was a demon child, then I would totally understand but when she told me that she hates me, I just didn't even know what to say. I honestly don't want to see her face, hear her voice or have anything to do with her for a while. Unfortunately I know she's going to come looking for money and for the sake of my brothers, I don't want to deny them a chance to eat.
I promised myself this year that arguing with my mother will stop. It's getting so tiring and like I mentioned once before, I don't want to deal with it any longer.
Has anyone had a heated argument with a parent(s) as an adult or still happens to? I feel silly having any argument with her. If she starts cruising for an argument, what should I do? I feel like she tries to incite an argument with me because she wants me to crack and say something vile, nasty, hurtful so she can victimize herself and tell everyone how venomous I was/am.
Your mother sounds like a real clusterf**k. You can't take anything she says to heart, and if you can afford it, I highly recommend therapy. You're primary parent has been modeling some highly dysfunctional behaviors and it will most likely have an effect on your relationships as an adult.
Keep your mother at arm's length and view her as the highly damaged (and damaging) person she is. But I'd urge you to reconsider your brothers as "annoying" -they're being raised by this mess of a woman and yes, they're going to be affected. Spend more time with them and engage them. You may have gone over the wall and gotten away from her, but not everyone is capable of that - they may need your help.
Your mother sounds like a real clusterf**k. You can't take anything she says to heart, and if you can afford it, I highly recommend therapy. You're primary parent has been modeling some highly dysfunctional behaviors and it will most likely have an effect on your relationships as an adult.
Keep your mother at arm's length and view her as the highly damaged (and damaging) person she is. But I'd urge you to reconsider your brothers as "annoying" -they're being raised by this mess of a woman and yes, they're going to be affected. Spend more time with them and engage them. You may have gone over the wall and gotten away from her, but not everyone is capable of that - they may need your help.
Honestly, she has therapy but that hasn't helped her for the years she's been attending. When you say "have an effect on your relationships as an adult" are you referring to me and my relationship with other adults are my current relationship with my mother? When it comes to other people, I'm more than capable of being reasonable, "normal" and can and do have great relationships with other adults. I apologize for the misunderstanding if that wasn't the point you were trying to make.
You're right about my brothers. I've been doing everything I can for and with them. I take them out (since my mom NEVER does) and keep them engaged in other activities. Unfortunately, I'm not always able to do that since I also have a life of my own but I always make some sort of time to spend with them even though I haven't been able to do so as of late. When they're with my mother, they are very lazy, bratty and have no work ethic and a lot has to do with the way she raises them. It was the COMPLETE opposite of me and my sister growing up so we had responsibilities much sooner and learned how to be much more self sufficient than they did at a much younger age.When they're with me though, they behave, listen and act accordingly.
It sucks because I want to be able to be around my mother without feeling animosity and tension from her but I can just tell she can't stand me. I always tried to figure out why and for the longest time I even felt guilty but I realize she's always used me as a scape goat for her anger and inner demons.
It sounds like you would do some good reaching out to child of narcissistic parent support groups or reading some of the books available to help find some ways to cope with her.
Honestly, she has therapy but that hasn't helped her for the years she's been attending. When you say "have an effect on your relationships as an adult" are you referring to me and my relationship with other adults are my current relationship with my mother? When it comes to other people, I'm more than capable of being reasonable, "normal" and can and do have great relationships with other adults. I apologize for the misunderstanding if that wasn't the point you were trying to make.
You're right about my brothers. I've been doing everything I can for and with them. I take them out (since my mom NEVER does) and keep them engaged in other activities. Unfortunately, I'm not always able to do that since I also have a life of my own but I always make some sort of time to spend with them even though I haven't been able to do so as of late. When they're with my mother, they are very lazy, bratty and have no work ethic and a lot has to do with the way she raises them. It was the COMPLETE opposite of me and my sister growing up so we had responsibilities much sooner and learned how to be much more self sufficient than they did at a much younger age.When they're with me though, they behave, listen and act accordingly.
It sucks because I want to be able to be around my mother without feeling animosity and tension from her but I can just tell she can't stand me. I always tried to figure out why and for the longest time I even felt guilty but I realize she's always used me as a scape goat for her anger and inner demons.
As dragonfly noted, your mother is likely a narcissist. Therapy won't help her. YOU, however, could benefit from it enormously. You've had a lot dumped on you, and a therapist could help things in perspective. Especially since you seem to be your mother's scapegoat - it's easier to deflect her anger and resentment about her problems onto you rather than dealing with them. It's a crappy position for you to be stuck in.
But yes, it could start to affect your relationships with others (even if you have generally good interactions), particularly with regard to the women you date. My one ex had a mother similar to yours - he loved me very much, but my therapist laughed and said "He'll never marry you - you're not crazy enough." Sure enough, even though he despised his mother, he ended up marrying a woman who was even more narcissistic (actually, sociopathic) than his mother. It took him ages to realize how messed up she was - it was really scary. What I'm saying is it can sneak up on you.
Good job sticking around for your brothers, though
I'm really sorry you got dealt a bad hand in the mom department though.
Holy crap this sounds like the story of my life with my own mother. She has borderline personality disorder and depression. See if your mom has this too: Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
My sister and I visit her all the time when she's at her "peak" stage and all happy and stuff, but during her "valley" moments when she's all depressed and angry we stay far away and don't even call her. She reaches US first. It's so ridiculous to have to deal with your parents like they're children but I guess that's life sometimes. Hope everything works out for the best.
As dragonfly noted, your mother is likely a narcissist. Therapy won't help her. YOU, however, could benefit from it enormously. You've had a lot dumped on you, and a therapist could help things in perspective. Especially since you seem to be your mother's scapegoat - it's easier to deflect her anger and resentment about her problems onto you rather than dealing with them. It's a crappy position for you to be stuck in.
But yes, it could start to affect your relationships with others (even if you have generally good interactions), particularly with regard to the women you date. My one ex had a mother similar to yours - he loved me very much, but my therapist laughed and said "He'll never marry you - you're not crazy enough." Sure enough, even though he despised his mother, he ended up marrying a woman who was even more narcissistic (actually, sociopathic) than his mother. It took him ages to realize how messed up she was - it was really scary. What I'm saying is it can sneak up on you.
Good job sticking around for your brothers, though
I'm really sorry you got dealt a bad hand in the mom department though.
Interesting. Perhaps I'll take up therapy but to be totally honest, the best therapy for me is when I'm AWAY from my mother. When I don't have to deal with her, that's my therapy. Rock climbing, swimming, martial arts, dancing and my good friends are my therapy. When I don't have to deal with my mother its an "out of sight out of mind" thing. And so far, I've been very good when it comes to my relationships with women.
I'm not going o discount your advise though. I'll look for a good therapy session and see what I can gain from it, especially since I don't have anything to lose doing so.
Holy crap this sounds like the story of my life with my own mother. She has borderline personality disorder and depression. See if your mom has this too: Borderline personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
My sister and I visit her all the time when she's at her "peak" stage and all happy and stuff, but during her "valley" moments when she's all depressed and angry we stay far away and don't even call her. She reaches US first. It's so ridiculous to have to deal with your parents like they're children but I guess that's life sometimes. Hope everything works out for the best.
WOW. ahahahaha, I'm glad you can feel my pain because my mother is the EXACT same way. It's unfortunate that it comes to a point that you don't want to be around someone at their worse but in the end we know we've been there through the worse and its just not fair to have to deal with it all the time.
Thanks for the wishes and I also hope things go well with you and your mom too. Hopefully our mothers will find joy in life one day.
You can't change your mother, but you can change how you respond to her. Not all in what you say, but in how her words affect you, and subsequently, your responses to her.
It sounds like her happiness is a "if you would only...." away.
She's not going to be happy. Not ever. Not even if everything she wishes for is handed to her on a silver platter.
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