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As I, a man, was walking out of an office building, while holding a paper and reading it, a woman was right in front of me, opened the door and held the door for me (just held the door for a fraction of a second and NO hold and wait for me to walk fast and arrive at the door, since I was just right behind her).
Since I was concentrating on the paper and since I have done it (holding the door for others) thousands of times for others without any expectation or reaction in return, I didn't say anything. The woman goes "A THANK YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE!" while giving me the evil look.
Am I at fault or is she over-reacting or over-expecting?
You both win.
You're at fault and she overreacted.
Anyone who confronts a stranger over a trivial slight is overreacting. You could have been a psychopath who snapped her neck for her comment. Is potentially having your neck snapped just to make the point about being courteous worth it? No. Translation: She overreacted.
As for you...
1) One could say you did a bit of over-expecting. You expected her to accept not being thanked, you expected her to care that you were reading a paper, and since you deem holding the door for someone to be such a small and meaningless thing, you expect people to do it without desiring anything in return just like you supposedly do.
2) Your post was loaded. You highlighted points that would emphasize just how wrong she was rather than stating what happened plainly. Why ask a question you already think you know the answer to? Why did I just do the same thing?
3) As I, a man... Are you one of those people who thinks gender should dictate how people behave when it comes to things like holding the door? Do you think the answer to your question should be different if you were a woman or if she were a man or both? If the answer is no, why did you even bother starting your post that way? If the answer is yes, you're bad on principle lol
4) You're right. Courtesies like holding the door for a stranger are so common that they aren't a big deal, but so is saying thank you. I'm so used to saying thanks that I'd actually have to make an effort not to say it and I'd have to be distracted by a lot more than reading a paper. Speaking of which...
5) Reading while you walk is obnoxious unless you're fully aware of your surroundings. If you weren't fully aware, you'd be bumping into things and people left and right, yet you weren't. If you were alert enough to be aware that someone held the door for you, to note how far away from you she was and how long she held it, and to navigate your way through it with the proper timing, you weren't all that distracted by your paper. Certainly not enough that saying thanks would have been beyond your mental capacity.
So I don't think distracted is the word you're looking for. Self-involved might be more accurate. You were fully aware of what just happened, but too preoccupied with your reading to bother saying anything.
1-5 = Why you're at fault.
No one has to be nice to each other to any degree or thank anyone to any degree, yet they're both things that people have come to expect in spite of having no actual right to expect it. I'll never become so expecting that I think nothing of someone who shows me kindness. They didn't have to and it would have been just as easy not to, yet they chose to. I think that deserves to be acknowledged, no matter how common it becomes.
I'm with the person who said that you always say thank you, then. When you have a choice. If you claimed that you were about to say thank you but she snapped at you so quickly that you didn't even have a chance to get the words out of your mouth, I'd call no fault on you, but that's not what you're saying. You're basically saying that you chose not to say thank you because you didn't think it was necessary and you were distracted by something more important anyhow.
You both win.
You're at fault and she overreacted.
Anyone who confronts a stranger over a trivial slight is overreacting. You could have been a psychopath who snapped her neck for her comment. Is potentially having your neck snapped just to make the point about being courteous worth it? No. Translation: She overreacted.
As for you...
1) One could say you did a bit of over-expecting. You expected her to accept not being thanked, you expected her to care that you were reading a paper, and since you deem holding the door for someone to be such a small and meaningless thing, you expect people to do it without desiring anything in return just like you supposedly do.
2) Your post was loaded. You highlighted points that would emphasize just how wrong she was rather than stating what happened plainly. Why ask a question you already think you know the answer to? Why did I just do the same thing?
3) As I, a man... Are you one of those people who thinks gender should dictate how people behave when it comes to things like holding the door? Do you think the answer to your question should be different if you were a woman or if she were a man or both? If the answer is no, why did you even bother starting your post that way? If the answer is yes, you're bad on principle lol
4) You're right. Courtesies like holding the door for a stranger are so common that they aren't a big deal, but so is saying thank you. I'm so used to saying thanks that I'd actually have to make an effort not to say it and I'd have to be distracted by a lot more than reading a paper. Speaking of which...
5) Reading while you walk is obnoxious unless you're fully aware of your surroundings. If you weren't fully aware, you'd be bumping into things and people left and right, yet you weren't. If you were alert enough to be aware that someone held the door for you, to note how far away from you she was and how long she held it, and to navigate your way through it with the proper timing, you weren't all that distracted by your paper. Certainly not enough that saying thanks would have been beyond your mental capacity.
So I don't think distracted is the word you're looking for. Self-involved might be more accurate. You were fully aware of what just happened, but too preoccupied with your reading to bother saying anything.
1-5 = Why you're at fault.
No one has to be nice to each other to any degree or thank anyone to any degree, yet they're both things that people have come to expect in spite of having no actual right to expect it. I'll never become so expecting that I think nothing of someone who shows me kindness. They didn't have to and it would have been just as easy not to, yet they chose to. I think that deserves to be acknowledged, no matter how common it becomes.
I'm with the person who said that you always say thank you, then. When you have a choice. If you claimed that you were about to say thank you but she snapped at you so quickly that you didn't even have a chance to get the words out of your mouth, I'd call no fault on you, but that's not what you're saying. You're basically saying that you chose not to say thank you because you didn't think it was necessary and you were distracted by something more important anyhow.
OP - she was more rude than you. You should have said "Thank you" but my gosh, the oversight is trivial. I think anyone who would call someone out about "being rude" in this scenario is MUCH more rude, which makes her reaction pretty ironic.
Pot, meet Kettle.
A person who is truly being polite does so from the kindness of their heart. Her "keeping tabs" is weirdly inappropriate, I think. I believe you are justified in being surprised and a bit put out.
However, this one time a young woman's hand was full of stuff and she wanted to open the door, umbrella, and yap on her I phone at the same time. I helped her open the door, and the reply she gave was "this creepy looking Asian guy helped me out. I am so totally messed up today ". Kind of hurt me to know that my help was hated. But anyways, listening to insults being thrown at me is a part of my daily life.
I have made it a point to NEVER assist someone who is on their cell.
If they cannot be engaged enough to be aware of what is going on around
them, they don't deserve my consideration.
They get on the elevator talking on (or playing a game on) their cell and don't
hit the button for their floor? Oh, well. Too bad. I used to do it, but no more.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,704 posts, read 41,848,071 times
Reputation: 41414
Quote:
Originally Posted by D. Scott
A thank you or acknowledgement was called for. Her reaction was a bit much though. Most would have thought something to themselves and kept on going. Can't blow up at every minor inconvenience or injustice like the door situation, Makes for a high strung life especially in cities.
This is probably the most reasonable post on this thread. The manners extremists are making me laugh. This situation probably lasted ten seconds total and yet the manners extremists are spending hours scolding the OP over something that happens often especially in large cities and is expected behavior. Comical.
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". Kind of hurt me to know that my help was hated. But anyways, listening to insults being thrown at me is a part of my daily life.
