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One of my best friends just had his divorce finalized last week. This was indeed necessary and he had been separated for several years, living off and on in different states, no kids, everything completely amicable. He probably would have never gotten divorced but he met someone great and wants to take that relationship to the next level.
We all knew this was coming, he knew it was coming, and everything seemed fine until the hearing. He broke down in court and has been depressed ever since-- crying, taking off work, not getting out of bed.
I have been trying to be supportive and help him through this (he has a counselor as well that he has seen since the finalization), but I am surprised by the depth of his reaction. His marriage was never a healthy or passionate one, and even when he was marrying, he expressed a lot of doubt about it. He is on good terms with the ex wife, and I have even been to the occasional dinner with the two of them over the past couple of years. All seemed fine.
How do I help him? Having never been married or divorced, I am not sure what to expect and I want to be a good friend.
I'm confused. If he met someone great, then why isn't that great someone the one consoling him? And why would he be sad?
I don't know, that is why I put up the thread.
He was with the wife for a long time-- they lived together for a decade before marrying, and the marriage itself was somewhat brief. They always had problems and seemed better suited to friendship than a relationship.
The new person has been very supportive, but she was sort of taken aback by the depth of his response. She is in an awkward position because she doesn't want to appear insensitive or jealous, but none of us really understand his reaction.
No matter how long you have been separated. I am separated for two years, the marriage was never great and even though I am completely over my ex, I am horrified of a divorce. Just the word alone gets me all emotional.
I guess it hit him in court - the realization that this life really is over and a new one starts. Even though they were separated. Maybe he never really realized it until then, buried his feelings about it, put it all aside in a drawer and in court that drawer with undealt feelings was opened and overwhelmed him. Not sure how to describe it better.
Also, he is still friends with the ex wife. So there was still a bond and he probably loves her in a friendly way. This bond was just sort of destroyed by a judge.
Maybe telling him his life is much better now and to look forward, plus the counseling should help.
No matter how long you have been separated. I am separated for two years, the marriage was never great and even though I am completely over my ex, I am horrified of a divorce. Just the word alone gets me all emotional.
I guess it hit him in court - the realization that this life really is over and a new one starts. Even though they were separated. Maybe he never really realized it until then, buried his feelings about it, put it all aside in a drawer and in court that drawer with undealt feelings was opened and overwhelmed him. Not sure how to describe it better.
Also, he is still friends with the ex wife. So there was still a bond and he probably loves her in a friendly way. This bond was just sort of destroyed by a judge.
Maybe telling him his life is much better now and to look forward, plus the counseling should help.
I think he had a hard time even getting to the point where he would go through with it. The ex wife has a lot of issues, struggles a lot with depression and anxiety, and he still seems to feel responsible for her. She isn't a bad person, but she is one of those extremely passive and helpless types. They never had kids because he always said that he would end up doing all the parenting and parenting her as well.
Sound like he got exactly what he wanted... if he is not happy with that, perhaps counseling is in order.
He was separated for over five years before he met the new girlfriend. He and his ex wife were not even living in the same state most of the time.
From my outside perspective, I think he knows this is for the best, and that he has to move forward, but even that realization is making him depressed.
He needs to see his primary care doctor to get on a medicine for depression, and start seeing a counselor quick. Just be there to listen to him.
I worry now that his "new" relationship might implode if he doesn't get stabilized soon. That's why I really recommend quick treatment. Anti-depressant medications can be a life-saver, and don't need to be taken forever.
Can anyone speak to whether or not this sort of behavior is a normal reaction to a divorce? Especially an amicable divorce which has been years in the making?
Can anyone speak to whether or not this sort of behavior is a normal reaction to a divorce? Especially an amicable divorce which has been years in the making?
It was kind of this way for me. I put off taking that final step until it became clear that there was no other option. It took years to get to that point. I was happy until the day it happened and then I just felt like crap. I felt like a failure, felt all kinds of guilt, remembered nice things about the relationship that just sort of tortured me even though I had no interest or intention of going back to it.
Divorce is an ending, and its a death in many ways. It takes a while for some people to make their peace.
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