Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
He has been enabling her. She needs to grow up and put on her big girl panties and find a way to support herself. She will find a new guy that will be drawn in to the Save her mode. He is feeling a lot of guilt right now.
I went through mine and did ok until the night it was final. I started crying in the hotel room and just felt so alone. I felt like a total failure because my marriage failed..but a good marriage takes two people. He didn't want to put forth the effort and I couldn't do everything.
I used to moderate a divorce board. The thing I can tell you is this......a lot of people don't realize how they're going to react, until they do. Sometimes although it's exactly what you want, you break down. Other times, I have seen people depressed up until it was finalized than happy all of a sudden. It's weird.
Why he's reacting that way could be a multitude of things. Most times, feelings of failure is the biggest one. Failure that they didn't make forever. Failure for being a bad husband. Failure for wanting happiness and hurting someone good in the process. Failure for not being able to fix his wife. Feeling guilty for moving on, finding someone. Feeling guilty for not being able to do more for his now xw (he needs to watch that, friends or not, she's not his responsibility, she's an adult, not a child).
Tell him to read about the stages of grief and apply it to his marriage. The marriage ending is like a death of an entity. He may go through the stages really fast, but he'll go through them.
What he's feeling is fine, as long as he doesn't go back to his XW, or make her promises, like to take care of her forever, etc. Let him hash it out. What can you do? Just let him talk it out. Let him be depressed. Don't force him into being happy. He can fake it till he makes it, but it'll go faster if he just embraces why he's depressed. I'm sure, a part of him knows exactly what it is.
Also, from what you wrote, it kinda sounds like he's a "saver". He probably liked feeling needed by his XW, made him feel like a man, etc. But now, he sees her as an obligation or a weight weighing him down and drowning him. He needs to let her go and realize that she is no longer his problem. The guilt will be there, oh, I know it, but in the end, he has to keep telling himself, "she's not my problem, she never was. She's an adult who can take care of herself, not a child". Even if she has no family/friends, he canNOT allow her to vent to him about her life issues, he CANNOT allow her to guilt him into anything about how crappy her life is. Actually, IMHO, I'd suggest he let go of their friendship for awhile and let her go competely.
BTW. I am in no way saying he's in love with her or wants her back. I'm just saying, bad habits die hard. He sees her as a child who cannot take care of herself, so he feels guilty by "leaving" her on her own. I get it. He needs to distance himself until he can truly say, "her life is her life, what happens isnt' my fault nor my problem".
I used to moderate a divorce board. The thing I can tell you is this......a lot of people don't realize how they're going to react, until they do. Sometimes although it's exactly what you want, you break down. Other times, I have seen people depressed up until it was finalized than happy all of a sudden. It's weird.
Why he's reacting that way could be a multitude of things. Most times, feelings of failure is the biggest one. Failure that they didn't make forever. Failure for being a bad husband. Failure for wanting happiness and hurting someone good in the process. Failure for not being able to fix his wife. Feeling guilty for moving on, finding someone. Feeling guilty for not being able to do more for his now xw (he needs to watch that, friends or not, she's not his responsibility, she's an adult, not a child).
Tell him to read about the stages of grief and apply it to his marriage. The marriage ending is like a death of an entity. He may go through the stages really fast, but he'll go through them.
What he's feeling is fine, as long as he doesn't go back to his XW, or make her promises, like to take care of her forever, etc. Let him hash it out. What can you do? Just let him talk it out. Let him be depressed. Don't force him into being happy. He can fake it till he makes it, but it'll go faster if he just embraces why he's depressed. I'm sure, a part of him knows exactly what it is.
Also, from what you wrote, it kinda sounds like he's a "saver". He probably liked feeling needed by his XW, made him feel like a man, etc. But now, he sees her as an obligation or a weight weighing him down and drowning him. He needs to let her go and realize that she is no longer his problem. The guilt will be there, oh, I know it, but in the end, he has to keep telling himself, "she's not my problem, she never was. She's an adult who can take care of herself, not a child". Even if she has no family/friends, he canNOT allow her to vent to him about her life issues, he CANNOT allow her to guilt him into anything about how crappy her life is. Actually, IMHO, I'd suggest he let go of their friendship for awhile and let her go competely.
BTW. I am in no way saying he's in love with her or wants her back. I'm just saying, bad habits die hard. He sees her as a child who cannot take care of herself, so he feels guilty by "leaving" her on her own. I get it. He needs to distance himself until he can truly say, "her life is her life, what happens isnt' my fault nor my problem".
Good luck.
This is my biggest concern. Last night he was looking online at places he might be able to buy for her so that she would be taken care of. I tried to talk him down. As far as I know she hasn't asked for this-- he just sees her as super helpless and she does very little to dispel that image. But the fact is that she is a grown woman who survived before she met him and will continue to do so after he finally moves on.
One of my best friends just had his divorce finalized last week. This was indeed necessary and he had been separated for several years, living off and on in different states, no kids, everything completely amicable. He probably would have never gotten divorced but he met someone great and wants to take that relationship to the next level.
We all knew this was coming, he knew it was coming, and everything seemed fine until the hearing. He broke down in court and has been depressed ever since-- crying, taking off work, not getting out of bed.
I have been trying to be supportive and help him through this (he has a counselor as well that he has seen since the finalization), but I am surprised by the depth of his reaction. His marriage was never a healthy or passionate one, and even when he was marrying, he expressed a lot of doubt about it. He is on good terms with the ex wife, and I have even been to the occasional dinner with the two of them over the past couple of years. All seemed fine.
How do I help him? Having never been married or divorced, I am not sure what to expect and I want to be a good friend.
It's possible that he was never really confronted with the thought of his marriage ending until the actual hearing. Maybe then it all hit him, that he has made that choice to end his marriage and it's real and it's finalized. Now he's grieving for the loss of the marriage and everything he'd put into it, not necessarily the ex-wife. He might also be carrying some hidden shame of maybe not being the best husband he might've thought he was, seeing his part in why the marriage went wrong. He might also feel ashamed of being divorced if he's that kind of person. In some families it's a big deal. How long was he married? How long has he been with this new woman? Is it possible she is a rebound or right-now girl and he didn't admit it?
In any case, it's not her job, your job or anybody else's job but maybe his therapist's to help him through this. Give him support definitely, but someone else can only go so far. He's got to make the way for himself by being easy on himself, letting himself grieve and heal, and get on with his life. If the woman isn't around it's possible she knows about it and is avoiding him. It would be downright weird for a new love to console him about his divorce, or at least it'd be weird for me. Good luck to you guys.
This is my biggest concern. Last night he was looking online at places he might be able to buy for her so that she would be taken care of. I tried to talk him down. As far as I know she hasn't asked for this-- he just sees her as super helpless and she does very little to dispel that image. But the fact is that she is a grown woman who survived before she met him and will continue to do so after he finally moves on.
Even if he did buy it for her, she probably wouldn't be grateful, and she'd want more and more until he was bled dry.
He's seeing someone now, I don't think any woman would be happy her new SO is dishing out all this money to an SO. You haven't mentioned kids, I assume they have none, no need for him to support her.
If she hasn't saved for her future, she either has family that can help, or there are programs out there to help people who can't take care of themselves in their older age, it's not ideal, but it's there.
He probably should have some therapy to help him let go of the guilt.
[quote=psichick;33138914]I used to moderate a divorce board. The thing I can tell you is this......a lot of people don't realize how they're going to react, until they do. Sometimes although it's exactly what you want, you break down. Other times, I have seen people depressed up until it was finalized than happy all of a sudden. It's weird.
This is so true. Despite being the one who asked my ex to leave, I second guessed myself and didn't handle things well for a long time. I organised the property settlement, which he dragged out forever (not because he didn't want to end things too at this point- he just couldn't organise anything to save his life). He was responsible for the actual divorce proceedings (cheaper- I was trying to be nice), which he also dragged out forever. It ended up being about three years between separation and divorce.
The funny thing was......despite not handling things well during the separation period, I actually found the divorce itself to be the shock that I needed to bring things into focus and I wasn't upset at all. I realised what I knew all along......it had to be. I needed someone stronger (as does the OP).
The OPs friend will get there. Just be supportive and remind him that no matter how guilty he feels he is not responsible for his ex any more. He needs to think of himself and his future now.
A divorce, amicable or otherwise is a formal failure in ones life. The traditional values and expectations that are associated with marriage (e.g. till death do us part, for better or worse, etc.) predetermine that by divorcing you've in some part large or small failed to honor your commitment, even if it was impossible to do.
Isn't a breakup the same thing as well? If you were in a committed relationship heading towards marriage and you split after 2, 3 or 4 years then what is the difference because there is a piece of paper? People splitup these days like it's nothing but somehow divorce is a major life event.
Isn't a breakup the same thing as well? If you were in a committed relationship heading towards marriage and you split after 2, 3 or 4 years then what is the difference because there is a piece of paper? People splitup these days like it's nothing but somehow divorce is a major life event.
Not even close. Marriage isn't dating even if you are living together. Marriage is building a life together on purpose with the idea of it lasting forever.
I've been separated from my H for 3 years, which is when he started up with his another woman. Knowing what I know I would never reconcile with him, and considering he moved out after 27 years, handed me his house key, and hasn't spoken to me since I doubt he would consider reconciling with me either. We could have been divorced a couple months later and the only reason we aren't is because neither of us has pushed it. Sure, I got the financial paperwork written up but the final step...us signing and having it go before a judge, hasn't happened for no good reason at all. It's going to happen soon though, it's my promise to myself, and I have gone into panic attacks over it. It's not him anymore, no contact for 3 years has not bothered me a bit and I'd be happy if he moved to the, other side of the world. It's not about him, it's the future I'm not going to have and the relationships with our adult kids and (hopefully) grandkids. Nothing will be as it should, every family event will be awkward, I won't get to enjoy the things I should get to enjoy because of DIVORCE. It's bad, even if some parts of your life are better off.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
