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when people ask too many questions and give too much advice, you stop giving them information.
Period.
If I were in your shoes it'll be something between me and my husband. The rest of the world could find out when it is visible, aka 6 months or so. I wouldn;t care what they say and what tantrum they throw. because this is how your mother behaves, throwing tantrums like why you told your MIL before her. Good God!
Yeah. This kind of drama is why it's a good idea to say nothing to anyone until you're 12 weeks along. I would imagine it goes double for women who have had miscarriages.
Problem is we have been trying for years and miscarried 2 years ago, and then my mom would call me every week asking "what did the doctor say? Did you get tested for this? What about this? What about your husband?" Etc. And I'd keep saying everything is fine. I figured just saying "we are pregnant" would get it to stop a bit! Apparently I was wrong. We were actually right on the verge of starting fertility treatments when I got pregnant... (well I was about to start clomid).
But trust me when I say not telling her would make it worse she'd spend the next 10 years saying "you didn't tell me right away" yada yada...
She's very narcissistic, everything is about her. EVERYTHING. When I miscarried she went on and on about how upset SHE was about the whole thing...
Thanks for letting me vent a bit, and thanks to those who can understand my frustration.
Not buying anything until the baby born? That's too hard for me! We already have an empty second bedroom waiting for the baby!
Problem is we have been trying for years and miscarried 2 years ago, and then my mom would call me every week asking "what did the doctor say? Did you get tested for this? What about this? What about your husband?" Etc. And I'd keep saying everything is fine. I figured just saying "we are pregnant" would get it to stop a bit! Apparently I was wrong. We were actually right on the verge of starting fertility treatments when I got pregnant... (well I was about to start clomid).
But trust me when I say not telling her would make it worse she'd spend the next 10 years saying "you didn't tell me right away" yada yada...
She's very narcissistic, everything is about her. EVERYTHING. When I miscarried she went on and on about how upset SHE was about the whole thing...
Thanks for letting me vent a bit, and thanks to those who can understand my frustration.
Not buying anything until the baby born? That's too hard for me! We already have an empty second bedroom waiting for the baby!
Gosh, it sounds like you and I have a similar mother. I like the other suggestions here. Share as little info about yourself with her as possible as it somehow is used against you because of her apparent personality defects. You need less stress, not more while being pregnant.
It sounds like she's both excited to be a grandmother and very nervous.
I would tell her something like "Mom, I appreciate the advice, but the doctor has this handled. I'm nervous because of what happened before, but I'm really hoping and trusting it to turn out differently this time. Please stop reminding me of what could go wrong and how I should act or prepare...it just makes me feel more stressed and I think you'll agree that I really don't need that right now. Just enjoy the thought of being a grandmother, you'll be a great one!"
Or something like that.
I've been in the OP's place, and I think this is excellent advice.
Quote:
Originally Posted by maus
Gosh, it sounds like you and I have a similar mother. I like the other suggestions here. Share as little info about yourself with her as possible as it somehow is used against you because of her apparent personality defects. You need less stress, not more while being pregnant.
That can backfire. Restricting all information just gives her imagination free rein, and she'll imagine all sorts of horrible stuff. Share the good stuff freely and keep it light and positive.
Last edited by randomparent; 01-18-2014 at 08:12 AM..
I started getting angry because she was like "well I'm just saying, you know, don't be so excited to see the heartbeat blah blah" and then even goes into a weird rant about "don't buy anything until you are 7 months along" and I'm like you are CRAZY nobody waits until they are 7 months pregnant before buying anything...
I guess my sister (has an 18 month old) and her coworker (has a 10 month old) are nobody because both waited until very late into pregnancy to buy baby stuff. I don't know the coworker's reasoning. My sister, though, was just being cautious because our maternal line (mom, mom's mom, mom's mom's mom) has a history of miscarriages and difficult pregnancies.
As for your mom, I thought that's just how most moms were. My mom wasn't like that with my sister because my sister has always been a private person, so we know not to crowd her. Do you two normally have a close relationship? Is she always a little nosy and pushy?
Your mother sounds like she's super excited by the prospect of being a grandmother. If you think she's getting too pushy about it, tell her you'd like to wait until you're X number of weeks along before you start really thinking about and discussing preparations for the baby with anyone besides your hubby.
I guess my sister (has an 18 month old) and her coworker (has a 10 month old) are nobody because both waited until very late into pregnancy to buy baby stuff. I don't know the coworker's reasoning. My sister, though, was just being cautious because our maternal line (mom, mom's mom, mom's mom's mom) has a history of miscarriages and difficult pregnancies.
Sorry I'm not trying to offend, but let me rephrase that, nobody I know has waited 7 months to purchase things for the baby. Maybe the latest I have seen is 5-6 months. Maybe my mom did when she had me, but of course I wouldn't know that, nor do I remember her doing that for my brother and sister.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sade693
As for your mom, I thought that's just how most moms were. My mom wasn't like that with my sister because my sister has always been a private person, so we know not to crowd her. Do you two normally have a close relationship? Is she always a little nosy and pushy?
Probably not as close as she'd like honestly. The problem she doesn't understand is she is great at giving inappropriate comments, being a downer, stating "after the fact" DUH opinions that never help anyone etc. Like after my miscarriage she said "why did you wait so long to have kids, you should have had them earlier." Well GEE MOM, I had to go to college, get a job, etc. I'm 31 now, I'm still paying off student loans for 4 more years, but we decided to not wait any longer (well when I was 28 we decided that). She had my brother at 34, but apparently that's "different" because her body was "already used to having babies." Yes. Dr. Mom knows everything haha
Quote:
Originally Posted by sade693
Your mother sounds like she's super excited by the prospect of being a grandmother. If you think she's getting too pushy about it, tell her you'd like to wait until you're X number of weeks along before you start really thinking about and discussing preparations for the baby with anyone besides your hubby.
I have a lot to think about, and normally I'm very patient with my mom, but with all the other crap I'm dealing with, my patience is thin.
The other thing she asked me was (we just moved into our larger apartment in November) was "you weren't pregnant earlier? Why did you move into that larger place, was it because you knew you were pregnant? Just TELL ME."
I was like what are you talking about mom, I didn't find out I was pregnant until January 4th, and even then the doctor said I was 4 weeks pregnant, and we moved in to our new place in November.
She knows why we moved, we were living in a place that was a shoebox, and I was going crazy not being able to move around. We decided to go into a two bedroom knowing we were trying hard and about to go through fertility treatments so we figured we'd just go for a two bedroom.
The way her mind ticks, when she gets quiet I am like "oh no what is she thinking..."
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Maybe my mom did when she had me, but of course I wouldn't know that, nor do I remember her doing that for my brother and sister.
