Spending Christmas away from family? (holiday, grandmother, money, person)
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It sounds like you made this a "habit" because you want to avoid your nephews, and because you feel out of place not having a partner. It isn't "just" a habit. You do it on purpose, for a reason.
One thing that struck me is that you mentioned your brothers... do you feel that your presence at Christmas time is not important and that you are just lost in the shuffle of your siblings and their families and kids?
Trust me, if your Mom mentioned it to you - she wants you to be there (at least once more, please!) because it means something to her to have all of her kids under her roof at one time for a special day. Maybe you could work it that you go to see her at Christmas and then go skiing at New Years. Bring your girlfiend or boyfriend, or whomever! I'm sure your Mom just wants you there with her for that day. Doesn't have to be every year (IMHO) but since she DID ask you, maybe making an exception next year would be a very nice gesture.
Yes the kids can be annoying. But you might end up enjoying it more than you think. What's a few hours of your time to give your Mom the special gift of yourself?
Yes, what a problem. Someone has an invitation with family for the Christmas holidays. Too bad you couldn't just trade places with some of those people who have no one. Like orphan kids who never really had a family and would trade places in a minute. Or those people whose parents are now gone but they would love to have parents back and don't view them only as pests.
Yes, what a problem. Someone has an invitation with family for the Christmas holidays. Too bad you couldn't just trade places with some of those people who have no one. Like orphan kids who never really had a family and would trade places in a minute. Or those people whose parents are now gone but they would love to have parents back and don't view them only as pests.
IMHO, this is a bit extreme. OP, prefers to travel during the holiday but at the same time is concerned about his mother's feelings on wanting him to celebrate with the family. Also, it seems that while he is a family person, he does feel out of place because he and his siblings are at different places in their lives at the moment.
OP, maybe recommend that Thanksgiving is the time that the family gathers. I think someone here suggested maybe spending 2 days with family and then going in your annual ski trip. There is a happy medium
Yes, what a problem. Someone has an invitation with family for the Christmas holidays. Too bad you couldn't just trade places with some of those people who have no one. Like orphan kids who never really had a family and would trade places in a minute. Or those people whose parents are now gone but they would love to have parents back and don't view them only as pests.
Yeah. I was kind of waiting for someone to point this out. I got dumped when I was 17 and Christmas just meant a bunch of long days, to me. You don't watch TV because it is full of "Hallmark" stuff, you avoid Christmas carols, and in my case I was usually able to arrange a trip out of the country to get me through. I was in the service, so I never went hungry.
People "reach out" sometimes to servicemen, but in the end they don't even know your name. It's just to make themselves feel better, that's all. I never blamed them, though. It was the nature of things.
That was a long time during the VietNam years, and it's all different now. I enjoy Christmas, and I have a family now.
But if FriedAzzro wants to spend his holidays skiing, so be it. His mother should learn to let him go. He knows that he is loved and thought of. That's the important part.
Besides, if he is 'out there among them' so to speak, he might find someone to help or befriend. And he sure ain't going to do that sitting around getting bored with the family.
Are ya listening, FriedAzzro? Find someone and make his day! Do it for your mother!
Given the raging cuss-storms of bigotry, homophobia, and political stupidity I dealt with on Christmas, maybe I'll join you next year, OP. Skiing in Switzerland or Austria sounds absolutely wonderful!
Since I was 30 I go skiing to Switzerland or Austria around Christmas. I always spend Christmas Day away from my family. I previously send the gifts to everyone (parents, brothers and nephews) and wish them Merry Christmas before I depart.
However, my mother says she's always sad not to have me around together with the rest of the family and she says "she can come as well". She has this theory I keep a girlfriend and don't want to bring her around. She seriously doesn't believe I go skiing on my own.
I actually missed them this Christmas (I just arrived back home) but the family gathering can be very draining, especially with kids around.
Hiowever, I keep thinking if I shouldn't fulfill my mother's wish because one day I won't have her anymore.
I don't see any dilemma, just that you have trouble once a year choosing between two good options. Toss a coin.
I obviously care for them but I don't think my presence would make that much difference when my mother has my brothers and 5 small children around her.
Well, your mother is better equipped than you are to determine and express her own emotions, and she's telling you she wishes you were there for Christmas, so apparently it DOES make a difference to her.
And it would to me as well, as the mother of five grown kids. Especially considering that you live TEN MINUTES away. It means a lot to many mothers to have all their children under one roof, even for just a little while, especially over the holidays. It's a really good, warm feeling of nostalgia...and accomplishment as well. (I'm assuming you don't have a dysfunctional family, since you haven't really brought up anything abusive, dismissive, etc)
Do you spend any other time around your brothers' kids? If not, that's another opportunity you're missing. My youngest brother has no kids (he's in his forties). I have four kids (and one stepson). He always made it a habit to avoid family gatherings - I'm sure as someone with no kids he found being around four kids close in age to be a bit draining. However, my kids missed having a close relationship with him. In fact, they took it as rejection to some extent, and now that he's having some health issues, and they're adults, he is wishing he had taken the time to build a closer relationship with them. He missed an opportunity he can never get back, and they missed having a cool, young uncle involved in their lives.
My suggestion is this - go over there for a bit Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and book your skiing trip to coincide with New Years rather than Christmas. That way you still get the feeling of a special holiday someplace very cool, but you get to spend a few hours of your precious time (and those hours WILL be precious to your mother) with your family. My gosh, you live ten minutes away - it's not like you can't get a respite from the noise of little kids or a large family gathering, and still give your family some memories.
I'm not gonna lie to you - if there was someone in our immediate family who made it a POINT to be absent...and far away...every single Christmas, I'd get to a point where my feelings would be hurt. Of course it's your choice, but you're obviously worried about hurting your mom's feelings, and it seems like you could compromise on this pretty easily.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 12-29-2013 at 09:16 AM..
Well, your mother is better equipped than you are to determine and express her own emotions, and she's telling you she wishes you were there for Christmas, so apparently it DOES make a difference to her.
And it would to me as well, as the mother of five grown kids. Especially considering that you live TEN MINUTES away. It means a lot to many mothers to have all their children under one roof, even for just a little while, especially over the holidays. It's a really good, warm feeling of nostalgia...and accomplishment as well. (I'm assuming you don't have a dysfunctional family, since you haven't really brought up anything abusive, dismissive, etc)
Do you spend any other time around your brothers' kids? If not, that's another opportunity you're missing. My youngest brother has no kids (he's in his forties). I have four kids (and one stepson). He always made it a habit to avoid family gatherings - I'm sure as someone with no kids he found being around four kids close in age to be a bit draining. However, my kids missed having a close relationship with him. In fact, they took it as rejection to some extent, and now that he's having some health issues, and they're adults, he is wishing he had taken the time to build a closer relationship with them. He missed an opportunity he can never get back, and they missed having a cool, young uncle involved in their lives.
My suggestion is this - go over there for a bit Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and book your skiing trip to coincide with New Years rather than Christmas. That way you still get the feeling of a special holiday someplace very cool, but you get to spend a few hours of your precious time (and those hours WILL be precious to your mother) with your family. My gosh, you live ten minutes away - it's not like you can't get a respite from the noise of little kids or a large family gathering, and still give your family some memories.
I'm not gonna lie to you - if there was someone in our immediate family who made it a POINT to be absent...and far away...every single Christmas, I'd get to a point where my feelings would be hurt. Of course it's your choice, but you're obviously worried about hurting your mom's feelings, and it seems like you could compromise on this pretty easily.
I agree with all that. I think often adult kids don't really understand how important it is to their parents to see them all back together even for a short time.
It's the best gift of all -- the gift of a little of your time.
Obviously if they were horrible rotten parents, they aren't owed this.
I'm not avoiding contact, I just have this habit of going to a ski resort around this time. Besides, my brothers have kids and the respective partners, so I'm a bit out of place. My nephews make plenty of noise as well.
Habits are not really that difficult to change...we just have to want to change them.
As a mother I can only speak from my experienc and I will only say, make no mistake about it, if I had 2, 4, 6, 8, or even 10 children I definitely want each of them home for the holidays. When one of my children is missing from the flock there is a hole which cannot be filled...not by the other children and their respective partners, not by grandchildren, not with food and certainly not with presents.
For whatever the reason (s) it just doesn't work that way at all. Yes, the holidays come and go with or without you but I promise you that your mother aches for your presence...always, but especially during the holidays. I don't know you or your lifestyle but I believe the fact that you created a thread for this topic suggests to me that this issue is of concern to you so perhaps you will rethink your position and become more available for your mother at Christmas next year (and hopefully every year to follow as well).
Unexpected phone calls to just say "hello, just wondering how you are today" aren't a bad idea either. But I digress...make your mom happy and show up, she will really and truly appreciate it.
P.S. That's what children do...they make an extreme amount of noise! You did once upon a time, as well!
on one level I empathize, as I am a single person in a family full of couples. I am also a bit of an iconoclast. And my mother is a rather silly, spoiled person who has never had a self-reflective moment in her life, so spending time with her is often excruciating. BUT ....
If you are going to be part of a family as an adult, it requires some sacrifice and willingness to accept inconvenience. I'm willing to bet you're not always a walk in the park yourself. I have one friend who bends over backwards to accommodate her family at all times - it is horrifying to watch, but it's just the way she's been conditioned. But the rest of my friends seem to find a good balance. You can do that too.
Honestly it sounds a little over the top to say that you must spend every Christmas skiing in Switzerland. And saying the kids are noisy seems a little overly sensitive when you won't even be spending the night. Look, I'm all for doing your own thing. I'm the only person in my family to have moved away from my hometown, and I've cheerfully eliminated people from my family circle who were not healthy influences. But your reasons for skipping EVERY Christmas seem rather trivial.
Why on earth aren't you alternating holidays? One year in Switzerland, one year with your family. It seems a simple enough solution.
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Do it for your mother!
I don't see any dilemma, just that you have trouble once a year choosing between two good options. Toss a coin.
