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My mother, age 84, feelings were hurt on Thanksgiving.
For the first time in years, the extended family were all together for Thanksgiving in New Jersey (just outside of NYC). Mom and Dad are getting on in the years and we don't know how many more holidays we will have with the them in the future. They were looking forward to seeing and TALKING to the Grandchildren at Thanksgiving.
But once the event started no matter how hard we tried we could not get the teens and "20somethings" eyes off of their SmartPhones and to their relatives who wanted to talk to them face to face. Us parents could have done better but they said you had to pick your battles, most of the younger relatives, ages 12-30 did not even want to be there.
So on Thanksgiving day, most of the kids and young adults (ages 13-30) spent most of their time looking at their SmartPhones and texting. Very few of them said anything to their other relatives face to face using actual voices.
Grandma complained when most of them spent most of the time at the actual Thanksgiving dinner table texting. But her complaints fell on deaf ears.
(On Friday we all went into Manhattan and saw lots of other families having Friday's version of Thanksgiving Dinner at Buco di Beppo, a popular place for large family dinners, spending most of their time texting and not talking to their family.
Next time, put all the 13-30s together at a different table or another area of the house.
Perhaps it would make the grandparents feel better if the folks who don't want to be there just don't come? Or maybe it would be better to curtail the family get togethers all together.
Seniors who want to further alienate their grandchildren by criticizing how they choose to interact when at their house will soon find no one visits. I would think it would be better to have them visit and say little than not visit at all.
Grandchildren who WANT to interact with their grandparents do so, despite smartphones. So my feeling is . . . if they don't want to be there, don't invite them/drag them to the get together.
I have taught my kids to be polite . . . but here's the thing . . . if they don't want to be at Grandma's house, they will be polite but most likely stilted . . . b/c they would rather not be there. So I guess grandchildren who are being polite (but stilted and uncomfortable) makes Grandma feel better but really . . . is this an enjoyable family get together?
I would rather not have the get together if Grandparents are going to complain and berate. But that's just me.
I feel for you. That's one thing I don't really get about my generation and so I'm at odds with people my own age, younger and even older, who can't just put the phone away when they're spending time with someone. Maybe your family can implement a rule "no texting at the table"? If they want to go text, they don't get dinner until they put their phones away because it is a "family gathering".
Look, people who have mouths in their heads should use them. I have two rules at my house: No phones or guns at the dinner table (unless the gun is in an ankle holster and I don't have to see it). My house, my rules, and I confront and enforce as necessary.
As for what people do in public, if I am with my SO and he looks at his phone, I give him the stink-eye and he gets the hint. With friends, I just turn my conversation toward people who are interested in having one, and will not repeat myself for a phone addict's benefit when and if they get around to joining the conversation. "Oh, you missed that because you were on your phone."
With strangers, I mind my own business--and so should you.
Apparently there were no adults there, if there had been, a simple "Put your phones away, NOW" should have been sufficient. But then you wouldn't have been a buddy to your brats. Show some authority !
I feel for you. That's one thing I don't really get about my generation and so I'm at odds with people my own age, younger and even older, who can't just put the phone away when they're spending time with someone. Maybe your family can implement a rule "no texting at the table"? If they want to go text, they don't get dinner until they put their phones away because it is a "family gathering".
The kids who are texting at the table would just as soon not be there, anyway. So creating more tension to ruin the day by denying dinner to anyone who texts is just going to end up with a tug of war - with kids preferring to not eat and then the parent wars start . . . "get in here and put that phone away" etc.
There could be an hour set aside as "text free" - that might work. But you can't tell a 27 year old he/she isn't going to use his/her cell phone when they are the ones paying the phone bill.
The kids who are texting at the table would just as soon not be there, anyway. So creating more tension to ruin the day by denying dinner to anyone who texts is just going to end up with a tug of war - with kids preferring to not eat and then the parent wars start . . . "get in here and put that phone away" etc.
There could be an hour set aside as "text free" - that might work. But you can't tell a 27 year old he/she isn't going to use his/her cell phone when they are the ones paying the phone bill.
So that is not going to change a thing . . .
If it's your table or your house, you can. You can also embarrass them for being rude. I'd have no compunction about admonishing my nieces and nephews if they did that, and my sisters would back me up on it because they did not raise their children in a barn. This is a matter of basic manners.
If it's your table or your house, you can. You can also embarrass them for being rude. I'd have no compunction about admonishing my nieces and nephews if they did that.
I wouldn't berate them. That's up to their parents to do, if they feel it is necessary.
I think it is much better for folks to be texting at the table (or surfing or reading a novel) than engaging in put-downs and contentious conversation . . . I just wish I could get some of the adults who attend family gatherings to focus on their smart phones rather than start arguments with their table companions, lolololol.
Well OP, this is one battle you should have picked. It was beyond rude to be texting at the table. However, it doesn't need to become a battle. Much less confrontational to say, prior to the meal, "I'd appreciate it if everybody would leave their phones in their pockets while we eat". If nobody speaks up, then the young people will take that as permission to proceed.
I wouldn't berate them. That's up to their parents to do, if they feel it is necessary.
I think it is much better for folks to be texting than engaging in put-downs and contentious conversation . . . I just wish I could get some of the adults who attend family gatherings to text rather than start arguments with their table companions, lolololol.
I don't agree. It's often more effective coming from someone who is NOT the parent, as there is an element of embarrassment to it, and sometimes rude people need to be mortified for them to change their behavior. My sisters would back me up on it if it came to that.
If people start arguments with their table companions, and it's your house, you get to put your hand up and say, "Not today, please."
If it's at someone else's house, you are free to say, loudly, "So, how 'BOUT those awful Giants, eh? Can't BUY a win this season!" or excuse yourself, get up, and walk away. If it's at the table, take a bathroom break. If it's at a buffet, take your plate into another room where there is more agreeable company. That's what I've done.
Or, you can do what I did this year, and not go. I enjoyed a nice, peaceful, quiet day with my pet and a computer game on Thanksgiving rather than listen to my SO's uncle's ignorant political commentary.
People need to learn to speak up or take a stand when others subvert or ruin holidays. Stewing in it and then complaining about it to other people in the family or on a message board after the fact will not get any real results.
My own family doesn't have these problems, and sometimes when I read threads like this, it boggles my mind. Who raises these clueless, self-absorbed people?
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