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First, here’s my background: My parents split up when I was a toddler, and I grew up with my single mother. (I’m an only child.) Money was tight for us, but we lived modestly and comfortably. Mom had a decent office job, and I got child support from my father. My grandparents lived nearby, and I was always close with my family. Overall, I had a great upbringing, and a great relationship with my mother.
When I left for college, I moved one state away (from Wisconsin to Illinois). That’s when my mother’s financial issues really started. My child support ended when I was 18, then my mother lost her job a year later. She moved to a smaller home, but could barely afford it. When I was 22, she had to declare bankruptcy. Ever since then, her life has been a rollercoaster, bouncing from job to job, and living situation to living situation.
I moved to Chicago permanently at 23. My first year was tough, and I wanted to move home. However, my mother wanted to leave our tiny hometown, and came to stay with me instead (“for just a few months, until we can both get on our feet”). She ended up staying for 2 years...
When I was 25, she moved to California to live with my aunt and uncle. After almost a year, she came back because she couldn’t get along with my aunt. Another year later, she moved to California again, this time to live with my grandparents. Within a year, she came back again, because she couldn’t get along with my grandfather. (My family members are all very stubborn people who frequently butt heads.) She is now completely estranged from my grandparents and my aunt & uncle.
At 28, I was living with my (now ex) boyfriend, so when my mother came back, she went to live with a family friend who needed help taking care of her elderly father. She lived with her friend for almost 3 years, working a variety of odd jobs and staying sporadically with me when she wasn’t getting along with her friend. Finally, they got into a blowout fight, and her friend kicked her out. That was 8 months ago...
I tried telling her that she could no longer live with me, and had to find other living arrangements. She became hysterical, threatening suicide and saying she’d cut me out of her life if I didn’t help her. She stayed with me for 6 weeks, before finding a job as a live-in caregiver for an elderly woman. The caregiving job was part-time, so she lived with the woman 4 days a week, and stayed with me for 3 days. It wasn’t ideal, but at least I got a break from her (and she was gone weekends, which was my only time to myself.) However, she kept changing her schedule because caring for the woman was “difficult” for her and refused to take more hours when the woman’s family offered them to her.
Recently, the elderly woman needed surgery, and has to stay in a rehab facility for 6-8 weeks to recover. So, once again... my mother is back to living with me full-time. She told me that she “had a feeling” the woman would need surgery, and knew this would happen, but didn’t look for a different job beforehand. She now says she’s looking for another job, but will “maybe” go back to working for the woman when she recovers and comes home.
I’m now 31 years old, and my mother has been living with me off-and-on for 7.5 years. I moved to Chicago to start my own life, but haven’t fully been able to because I’m constantly bailing out my Mom from her latest drama. During this time, I’ve realized that she isn’t the “wonderful” woman I thought she was growing up. She’s a total drama queen, everything is “too difficult” for her, she alienates people and acts like a martyr, doesn’t learn from her mistakes and instead blames other people for her problems. (My father, her parents, her employers, etc.) She has terrible credit, no savings, and can’t afford to live on her own.
I will say, I’m far from perfect myself. I got laid off from my job a few years ago, and got into serious debt because of it. I had to adjust my standard of living (i.e. moving from a 2-bedroom apartment to a one-bedroom, getting rid of credit cards and paying off debt collectors, going from shopping at Nordstrom to Goodwill, etc.) However, I was able to get back on my feet after a few tough years. I’ve have a stable job for the past 2 years now. I live modestly but comfortably (just as I did growing up). I’m on payment plans for my debts, my credit has improved, and I’m starting to save money. My life is back on track... and now, my only REAL problem is my mother...
She’s not a total “mooch” per-se. She gives me some money every month toward groceries and utilities (which is helpful, because I’m on a tight budget). She keeps the house clean, cooks and runs errands for me during the week. However, she is NOT making any effort to help herself and start her own life. I try to suggest options for her (job postings, career counseling, financial assistance programs, etc.) but she always fights with me and makes excuses for why these options won’t help her. She has an “I can’t do it” attitude that I’m so sick of...
It’s gotten to the point that I avoid going home at night because I can’t stand her being constantly around. (My apartment is small and she sleeps in the livingroom, so I don’t have much privacy except when I go to bed at night.) We argue pretty regularly, and it’s escalated into screaming matches, her slapping me, me threatening to kick her out, and her threatening to completely estrange me if I do. When we do get along, she’s constantly hovering around me, always offering unsolicited opinions on how I live my life, and criticizing me. When I tell her to stop, it turns into her screaming at me. She still treats me like a child, even though I’m clearly the more responsible adult...
I’ve reached a point where I almost don’t care if I’m completely estranged from her anymore, I’m just so desperate for her to move out. I want a “normal” relationship with my mother, where we talk 1x per week, and see eachother 1x per month, or so. Trouble is, she has nowhere to go and nobody else to help her, because she’s estranged so many people and made so many terrible decisions. I worry what will happen to her if I just “kick her out” and I don’t want to completely cut her out of my life... she’s my Mom, after all, and I do love her despite her faults.
But I can’t live like this anymore... I just CAN’T. I barely have a life because of her... I can’t invite friends over, and starting a new relationship is tough, because there’s such a stigma about “living with your parents” (especially in your 30s) ... and it’s not like I can bring a guy home when Mom’s sleeping on the couch, you know? I started dating someone 3 months ago, but have only had him over to my home once (when my mother was gone for the weekend at her caregiving job) and haven’t told him that she is currently living with me.
Not sure if this is just a rant or a request for advice... but anything you can offer that might be helpful, I’d greatly appreciate!
Sit down with your mother, get into a discussion and set the date of when she's leaving. Then stand your ground. If she lashes out and wails, keep in mind that you're both adults. Her wailing and threats to disown you are simply manipulation tactics. Her behavior isn't what anyone would want to tolerate from a room (house) mate. Whatever happens afterwards to your mother is totally on her, not you; don't assume the guilt, its just unfortunate.
But unless your mother change both her personality and circumstance, you're going to have to come to terms that relationship you desire with your mother may never happen.
I agree with Inkpoe. You are enabling her. She will never take responsibility for herself if you continue this way. Time for tough love. Your mother needs to find her own way in life and quit depending on you.
If this story was about a daughter who kept coming back home to live with her parents, I would give the same advice.
In addition to pointers on employment agencies, debt repayment places, whatever else you've been suggesting....
Maybe counseling too? (I'm thinking about it for myself.)
She probably doesn't have the confidence to go out there.... somewhere along the line she got out of her groove and never found her way back in. It will do no good to get on her feet if she's in the wrong state of mind and heart because she'll just fall on her face again. Hopefully she'll want to help herself. I'd say exactly that. You need to want to help yourself.
I'm betting a huge part of what kept her afloat in life was you, along with the support she got from her parents nearby and your father's financial support. Then when all that was gone... the financial support from your dad, you, your grandparents (they moved to CA, right?) her vibration probably changed and the fear set in. She had to face herself and she couldn't. She had to face her lack of confidence, lack of love for herself.
Maybe I'm speaking from experience........ unfortunately. I think I am.
Yes, you are enabling her. You say "she doesn’t learn from her mistakes." What about you? You keep letting her back in, knowing this situation makes you miserable. The only one happy is your mother; she has no responsibility. The next time she finds full-time employment as live-in help, why not just move? Once you've moved in, call her and let her know, but not give her your new address. I know that sounds harsh, but unless you want her to move back in with you, what other choice do you have? You don't seem to be able to talk without her going all drama on you. Good luck.
I'm assuming your mom is in her mid/late 50s. You didn't mention her health, but if she's able to successfully provide live-in home health-care for an elderly, I assume she's healthy and mobile. Sounds like she has good domestic skills as well. If she's even reasonably attractive and interested in men, then ...
Fix her up with a man capable of sweeping her off her feet and taking her away. Sick, I know, but drastic situations call for ...
You need a guy in his 50s or 60s, low key, financially stable, able to handle a hot tempered cantankerous woman. Someone to be the yen to her yang. Figure out where guys like that hang out, scout out a few places, then start taking mom out for "girl's night". The rest will take care of itself. If she likes country dancing and you have any country dance halls there, that would be your best start.
If that doesn't work, you have to make the hard decision to give her the boot.
I think it's easier for people to tell you to do that than it would be for any of us to actually do ourselves. She's your mom and she did her best. Don't do anything you'll unduly regret, but don't be held prisoner to this unhealthy dynamic either. Try to come up with two options for her to pick from and give the ultimatum. Do your homework first. Be creative, get help from anyone willing to give her a second chance.
Sometimes with tough decisions it helps to break them into what you hope to avoid most, not what you want.
What will you regret most?...
A) cutting her loose and watching her life unravel and ultimately becoming estranged?
B) Turning 40 as a still-single gal bunked up with your mom?
Which is most unacceptable? You probably know deep inside what you need to do.
Give her 30 days to mive out. Not open to discussion. How old is she? There are services available to seniors. Is there a church she could turn to? You deserve a life.
Is she related to my mother? Only in my situation, my grandparents ended up raising me most of my childhood.
Really, it's time to let her sink or swim. She is not your responsibility because she is not your child. My mother has put similar guilt trips on me too, and now that I have my own family, I have totally checked out of what goes on in her life and I no longer care. I take it your mother must be in her 50s. She will be like mine and NEVER have it together and you will have your soul sucked from you listening to sob story after sob story. Tell her she has to leave and that's it. Stop listening to her, stop taking her calls. She will get the hint eventually. There's public assistance and housing. Yes, may sound harsh, but really, almost 10 years of mooching, and that's what she is doing to you and your family.
I would hire a social worker - you have the initial session, then bring your mom in at which time give her notice to move (30 days or whatever is "fair"). You are entitled to your life.
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