Concerned about son just drifting through life (father, person, member)
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Hello. I have a son who is early 20s. He seems to be really depressed and spend his day watching tv and drinking. He doesn't have a job and seems to be afraid to try to get one. He doesn't live with me but lives with a friend sometimes and his grandmother at other times. He had a brain injury when young and has some lasting effects from that. He also managed to get 2 felonies for drinking/driving and spent a year in jail.
It seems like everything went downhill really fast when his dad passed away from cancer. He got in trouble and with the law and gained maybe 60 pounds.
I know he is an adult and has to make his own choices. I just wish there was some way to get him motivated about life again. Jobs are hard enough to find without felonies and disabilities but is there any type of training and maybe work conditioning available? I really think if he just was able to get a little job of some sort, he would gain some confidence.
Hello. I have a son who is early 20s. He seems to be really depressed and spend his day watching tv and drinking. He doesn't have a job and seems to be afraid to try to get one. He doesn't live with me but lives with a friend sometimes and his grandmother at other times. He had a brain injury when young and has some lasting effects from that. He also managed to get 2 felonies for drinking/driving and spent a year in jail.
It seems like everything went downhill really fast when his dad passed away from cancer. He got in trouble and with the law and gained maybe 60 pounds.
I know he is an adult and has to make his own choices. I just wish there was some way to get him motivated about life again. Jobs are hard enough to find without felonies and disabilities but is there any type of training and maybe work conditioning available? I really think if he just was able to get a little job of some sort, he would gain some confidence.
Therapy?
Antidepressants?
Sounds like an alcoholic too.
Military? (not sure if felony convictions would prohibit this)
Trade school?
Intervention?
Please get in touch with Al-Anon, the organization for families and friends of people with alcohol problems, and tell them what you've told us. They probably have an anonymous hotline in your area, and will definitely have meetings you can attend, where everything that is discussed is confidential. Their membership includes many others who've been in your shoes, and you are likely to gain enormously in knowledge and coping skills, and be able to help your son in ways which are truly helpful instead of which are ineffective or which contribute to his problems (not saying you've done this, but there are likely to be additional things you can do to make it better).
If your son's situation is complicated by brain injury or other dysfunction, he needs to have a complete, thorough professional evaluation and probably follow-up treatment. He may qualify for some degree of disability, but it can take years to get this in place. It's also very possible that medication - antidepressants, mood stabilizers - might help him, and that his excess drinking is an effort at self-medication. The weight gain may very likely be from alcohol and inactivity, and is likely adding to his depression and general sluggishness.
Does he have mood swings, or does he just seem depressed? Mood swings can manifest as anger as well as elation, btw - so depression and anger can alternate. It's not a pretty picture, and is terribly hard on those around the person with these issues.
Best wishes to you and your son - he would be helped by Alcoholics Anonymous, but may not be ready to recognize that and take the necessary steps. Nonetheless, I hope you'll reach out to Al-Anon. They can offer understanding, support and great advice.
Every city or county should have a dept/division/office of Vocational Rehabilitation. Look into that and encourage him to hook up with them. He will need some record that he has a disability, like his diagnosis, and the professionals or facilities that gave him this diagnosis.
They will assess him, which involves gathering all his records of his disability, and doing some real life work readiness, skills, aptitude testing. They'll preset him with their recommendations, and sort that out with what his personal voc/ed goals are. Then they will refer thim to what's appropriate. That might be rehabilitative therapy, behavioral health treatment, supported employment, job coaching, supported education, tech school, college, etc. There is often funding available that they should help him apply for to cover tuition. I know a psychiatrist who got through college and medical school via DVR/OVR services--So it's not just sending people to sheltered workshops or helping them do a resume like some people believe. There may be some geographical areas where funding is more limited, and they might only accept people who are already on SSDI or SSI. So getting OVR/DVR supports might require him to at least apply to Social Security for disability benefits.
But the individual has to have some level of motivation, and if there is substance abuse, they'll likely require some sobriety or ongoing involvement in recovery supports.
I know he is an adult and has to make his own choices. I just wish there was some way to get him motivated about life again. Jobs are hard enough to find without felonies and disabilities but is there any type of training and maybe work conditioning available? I really think if he just was able to get a little job of some sort, he would gain some confidence.
My sweet, beloved grandmother spent most of her adult life with exactly the same worry you expressed, about exactly the same condition. She couldn't fix the economy or her son (my father). As much as I loved her and him, it's crystal clear to me that her worry and hovering only added to his emasculation.
She chose to throw away her life by worrying about him while negating the accomplishments and problems of her other children and her grandchildren. She's long deceased but I've no doubt that if she could live her life over again, she'd help him to keep body and soul together (i.e. provide food and shelter) without wasting a single minute trying to improve his life.
If you want to feed and shelter your son, that's well and good. If you don't, that's well and good. I've no doubt he's resourceful enough to survive without you, but whatever works for you both is ok.
If you want to keep worrying and planning and imagining different life scenarios for him, that's not ok. You can't fix him or his circumstances or the economy. Every morning that you wake up and he's not in jail or drunk or on drugs is a blessing. Give thanks for that, accept and love him and the situation for what they are, don't neglect others in your life. Get over his being your do-all, be-all reason for living. If you can do that, you might be surprised at how well things turn out for you and him.
Brain injury? How significant are the effects? What happened?
He was struck by a motor vehicle. He has cognitive impairment.
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