are in-laws really that bad? (jealous, wife, spouse, father)

[stan4]

Now, I believe with my heart that there are plenty of crazy people out there - enough so to make up the leagues of batcrap crazy in-laws I keep hearing about. I know. I deal with crazy people for a living.

However, I don't believe that most people are really that psychotic, so I have to assume that at least part if not half of the problem that exists between M/F-in-laws and spouses of the children is the spouses' fault.

I know I am lucky in that my mother-in-law is just a sweet, nice, thoughtful person. She has her flaws, but don't we all? My father-in-law (divorced from MIL and remarried) is a nice, unassuming guy. Made millions. Happy to share with family. Kind of goes with the flow. His wife is one of those mouthy, gossipy, in-your-face, opinionated parasite wives, but that matters none to me, because I simply don't take **** from anyone, and I think she's figured that out, so we have a perfectly cordial relationship.

My parents love and adore my wife. They think she's smart and has her stuff together. We see each other several times a week.

So how much of what you have to deal with is really your in-laws and how much of it is a fight you have decided to create because you feel they are
1. 'disrespecting' you
2. 'overstepping boundaries'
3. 'purposely' insulting you
etc?

If they are now considered family, how much of what they do and say is really that different from how your immediate family acts (getting all up in your shizzle, talking smack, etc)?

Again, I say that I believe there really just are total nut jobs out there. Who wants to admit they're part of the problem?

[malamute]

I think it's best to take the attitude of being grateful to the in-laws for raising someone you love enough to marry.

The best thing though that in-laws can do is to be very careful with their words because they will be forever remembered but also to accept the choice of their children, welcome them into the family, because it means more than they may realize.

[Mattie]

Originally Posted by malamute

I think it's best to take the attitude of being grateful to the in-laws for raising someone you love enough to marry.

The best thing though that in-laws can do is to be very careful with their words because they will be forever remembered but also to accept the choice of their children, welcome them into the family, because it means more than they may realize.

Yes, and then hope it's enough. In my case it hasn't been. I was so thrilled when my son got engaged. I have three boys, and was looking forward to the relationship I thought I would have with my DIL. I never, ever expected to be hated with the venom she directs at me. She has cost me a son, and a grandson.

This is an intelligent, very pretty girl, who has been given everything she ever wanted by her wealthy parents. I have never said one ugly word to her, or criticized her at all. But, she is just a nasty immature brat. And my son is completely under her spell.

[maus]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Yes, and then hope it's enough. In my case it hasn't been. I was so thrilled when my son got engaged. I have three boys, and was looking forward to the relationship I thought I would have with my DIL. I never, ever expected to be hated with the venom she directs at me. She has cost me a son, and a grandson.

This is an intelligent, very pretty girl, who has been given everything she ever wanted by her wealthy parents. I have never said one ugly word to her, or criticized her at all. But, she is just a nasty immature brat. And my son is completely under her spell.

I am sad to hear that about your son the hurt can go in any direction with extended family. I get a long better with my mother-in-law better than I do my own mother, who was nasty to both my fiance and my brother's wife. While I have a relationship with my mother, it is very strained because she is an extremely difficult person to get a long with for about anyone. Her behavior exhibits one of those "horrible" MILs you hear about.

[cpg35223]

Some are nightmares, some are not. A lot of it has to do with what kind of parents they were. If they were overbearing, controlling parents, then they will be overbearing and controlling in-laws.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Yes, and then hope it's enough. In my case it hasn't been. I was so thrilled when my son got engaged. I have three boys, and was looking forward to the relationship I thought I would have with my DIL. I never, ever expected to be hated with the venom she directs at me. She has cost me a son, and a grandson.

This is an intelligent, very pretty girl, who has been given everything she ever wanted by her wealthy parents. I have never said one ugly word to her, or criticized her at all. But, she is just a nasty immature brat. And my son is completely under her spell.

Yes it has to be both sides -- one side can completely ruin the relationship. It's too bad she doesn't see that it was you who brought him into the world and raised him - obviously well enough for her to want to marry him.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do -- except write them out of your will. Sometimes it's incredible how ungrateful types will come sniffing around to see what they won in an inheritance.

[fallingwater]

Oh the stories I could tell you. I think a lot of issues that happen with in-laws are out of misunderstandings, jealousy, insecurity and difference in communication. Also add in a dash of wanting to stir the pot. Some people like not getting along because it fills some sort of void for them. Each family has their own dynamic. I have had a lot of issues with my in-laws over the years, a good 23 yrs worth. sigh. 90% of the issues I have had are just silly nonsense that spiraled out of control. Its just plain dumb. its really sad to be honest because I have several things in common with each person on my husband's side, we should get along quite well. I am family oriented and would have really liked to just be part of the family. It can be hard emotionally because my child is adored by my in-laws and my husband is a favorite and im like this 3rd wheel. I think to fully understand in-law drama is if you live it. My mother had a great relationship with my dad's parents and siblings. I kind of expected this is how it would go for me so when it didnt, I really wasnt sure what to do.

I am not perfect by any means but how my own family communicates and how my in-laws do, are vastly different. My family is more confrontational. If someone is ticked off they tell you. I have a lot of hot tempered people in my family. They get on my darn nerves at times. I have never thought my family is better, if anything my in-laws do some things better than my own and vice versa. I am more laid back and not a fan of confrontation so I never cared for the arguing in my family but there is a sense of honesty about it that I didnt appreciate until I met my in-laws. My in-laws generally handle disputes and annoyances by talking about others behind their backs and getting other family members on their side. They do with each other as well. Maybe that is how it goes in large families.

My husband is the only boy and a lot of times dealing with my MIL and SILs was like being in high school. If someone doesnt act or behave like they want, they are excluded and talked about. Spouses are fair game but only to a certain point since all the spouses are men. I truly feel that because I am the only woman to come into the family, I take a harder hit. There is also a certain level of responsibility they feel I should have. Stuff like remembering everyone's birthday in the family and so forth. Kind of like a womanly duty along with other things they do that I should duplicate.

My family never really picked on spouses or put more responsibility on them vs the actual blood relative. Its just the unwritten rule of you dont go there. My mom would never stand for it. One year my sister got into with our SIL (brother's wife) nothing physical, just a tiff. My sister was going to host the xmas party that year and said she didnt want to invite the SIL (my brother was working and couldnt make it). My mother found out about this and flat out told my sister if she was going to be like that, then she wouldnt be hosting the family party. My sister was mad and felt my mom should take sides and my mother refused. My sister got over it and hosted the party and my SIL was invited and never knew anything about the whole deal. Who would tell her? That would just hurt her feelings and cause more discord. So, that is why I have a hard time with how my in-laws have no issues hurting other people.

My MIL picked me apart from day one and then in turn so did my SILs. Someone always wanted to make sure I knew what was being said. Now for a man, this might just seem silly but women can be vicious on stuff like this. This is how women bully. It wears you down especially when you have to go to a family get together and spend a whole evening with people that you know speak ill of you. Fake smile, make small talk with people that eye everything you do for later gossip. My husband never understood this and why I would become so upset.

Also his family tend to congregate by sex so the guys would hang out in the tv room, where the women hung out in the dining room and kitchen. It was a hard spot to be in as I didnt fit in with either room. If I tried to help in the kitchen I was told everything was taken care of. If I didnt offer then I was lazy. This also gave them the opportunity to make snide comments to me when he wasnt in ear shot. This is where my husband let things go too long. He figured this stuff shouldnt bother me. I think he figured this is how women just are. He grew up watching his sisters fight and that is just how it is. The problem is, I was used to how my own family fought. If my sister was pissed, I knew about it. It came from the source. i didnt hear it from another person and so on and so on. We would get over it and it was done. I also started to feel angry that my husband would consistently put me in a position to feel unwanted and uncomfortable. After we had our child well then we really had to go to the family get togethers for the sake of our child.

Eventually my MIL (who is quite bold and egged on by her daughters) would call up my husband and let him know what she really thought of me. This happened about once a year. I think because my husband let things go for long periods of time, this gave my MIL permisson. She always asked if I was home first before starting her tirade. Again, not wanting to really get to the seed of the problem. If anything, she should have asked to speak to me. My husband would get mad and tell his mother not to call again if she had nothing nice to say. She would pout, we wouldn't attend any functions and then one of his sisters would call up, say that mom was a B, to let it go and start coming around again. Even though this sister was part of stewing the pot to begin with. No one ever really apologizes. They just enlist another family member to smooth things over.

Several times I tried to work things out on my own. I would find out that SIL #1 was ticked about something. I would call her up and she would say, "what? oh my goodness. Im not mad at you!" but she really was. She would lie. My MIL would do the same thing. Im not a fan of confrontation so this was really hard for me to call them up, extending an olive branch to make things right but I was always told in the sweetest voice that nothing was wrong. I never seemed to get in front of it or work it out. It was endless circles.

When my husband took a job out of state, I was elated. I pretty much cut myself off from them. We visit but since our trips are short, we end up dividing our time. I see my family, my husband sees his. Its not ideal but this is how it goes most of the time. I do try to make an effort because I want to spend time as a family but my mom has a lot of serious medical issues and when I go home to visit, I want to see her, not people that never liked me. Interestingly enough, this ticks off my MIL. I will never win. You would think she would be glad not to see me. So it is what it is.

OP, are you sorry you asked?

[Liberty12]

Originally Posted by Mattie

Yes, and then hope it's enough. In my case it hasn't been. I was so thrilled when my son got engaged. I have three boys, and was looking forward to the relationship I thought I would have with my DIL. I never, ever expected to be hated with the venom she directs at me. She has cost me a son, and a grandson.

This is an intelligent, very pretty girl, who has been given everything she ever wanted by her wealthy parents. I have never said one ugly word to her, or criticized her at all. But, she is just a nasty immature brat. And my son is completely under her spell.

This is exactly what I would expect my mil to post. However, I have never said a mean, hurtful thing to her.i have attempted to make nice comments on her Facebook statuses, welcomed the inlaws into my home, jumped to their every need and ordered gifts sent to them from their son.

What I have gotten in return is them hating me and telling their son so, who kindly shared their opinion with me. I give up trying to beg people to like me and will not waste another minute of my life being disappointed.

In my opinion, it is the inlaws that have chosen to not have a relationship with my children.

[carlitasway]

Originally Posted by stan4

Now, I believe with my heart that there are plenty of crazy people out there - enough so to make up the leagues of batcrap crazy in-laws I keep hearing about. I know. I deal with crazy people for a living.

However, I don't believe that most people are really that psychotic, so I have to assume that at least part if not half of the problem that exists between M/F-in-laws and spouses of the children is the spouses' fault.

I know I am lucky in that my mother-in-law is just a sweet, nice, thoughtful person. She has her flaws, but don't we all? My father-in-law (divorced from MIL and remarried) is a nice, unassuming guy. Made millions. Happy to share with family. Kind of goes with the flow. His wife is one of those mouthy, gossipy, in-your-face, opinionated parasite wives, but that matters none to me, because I simply don't take **** from anyone, and I think she's figured that out, so we have a perfectly cordial relationship.

My parents love and adore my wife. They think she's smart and has her stuff together. We see each other several times a week.

So how much of what you have to deal with is really your in-laws and how much of it is a fight you have decided to create because you feel they are
1. 'disrespecting' you
2. 'overstepping boundaries'
3. 'purposely' insulting you
etc?

If they are now considered family, how much of what they do and say is really that different from how your immediate family acts (getting all up in your shizzle, talking smack, etc)?

Again, I say that I believe there really just are total nut jobs out there. Who wants to admit they're part of the problem?

Be thankful you were blessed with good in-laws. Not everyone is so lucky and that goes for both sides of the coin.

[Granny Sue]

I keep my in-laws at arms length. I've gotten to the point that I'm over the drama.

All in all they are good people just lacking of self confidence. Only two know how to act in social situations...three if you keep the beer away from her.

My MIL got great pleasure of pointing out what a great DIL my husband's ex was...she delighted in ordering me around in my own house and drew attention to everything she felt I did wrong. (of course she would say it with a laugh so everyone would know she was "kidding")

It's not easy to annoy me but she was in her element one day while we were all together...I had had enough...so I said to her in a very sweet voice..."You know what, MIL? One day I'm just going to shock the sh&t out of you!"
"How?" she replied
"I'm going to do something you approve of!"

I was deadly calm and just looked at her...never again did she treat me like that. We've gotten along just fine ever since.

As to the others.....We all used to get along great, the kids played together and we watched each other's kids.
As the kids got older and we had empty nests we found that we all did the same thing with the same people every weekend.

DH and I developed new interests and a new circle of friends so of course we don't spend as much time together. My BIL has since married so now his wife is competing to be the favorite SIL. What she doesn't understand is that I'm relieved not to be it...she can have the title.

Bottom line is, they would all have my back if needed and I would do the same for them. I know I could have done worse.