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I need some help here. I am about 3 weeks from turning 18, and I have no idea how to deal with my home situation, aka, my overbearing parents.
I have always had an awful time with my parents, especially as I was going through my teenage years. For elementary I was sent to a small catholic school, and for mid school I was home-schooled (longest three years of my life) I never had many friends, and I've always been the shy kid. During my freshman year, I got a boyfriend. He was interesting, and older. I knew I could not tell my parents about him, so I didn't. One day, after a school dance, my parents were in the parking lot to pick me up. I didn't see them. I kissed my boyfriend. They saw. When we got home, my mother blocked his number, called his mother, told her to keep her son away from me, and that was the end of that relationship. That entire summer dragged on for an eternity. I did not leave the house. I was not allowed to use a computer, to text, to do anything. I fell off the earth.
The next year, I went to school and started dating another boy. I didn't like him. But I went with him as a retaliation to my parents. I got into a lot of trouble with him. I ditched class, I let my grades slip, and I gave him my virginity. Of course my mother found out about this. I had always kept a journal. My mother found it, read it, tore it up. She took my phone, she took my computer. She did not let me do anything. She dropped me off at school, watched me go in, then picked me up as soon as I got out. As soon as I slept with that boy, he dumped me. So that didn't help at all. And to make things worse, my mom belittled me to the point where I lost all sense of whom I was. She called me a, “slut,” a “whore,” and told me I was nothing but, “trash.” This went on for a while. I never hung out with people. The only time I ever saw friends was at school. They would ask me to go places with them—the mall, the movies, etc., but I always had to turn them down because my parents would not allow me to go anywhere. Eventually, people stopped asking.
As I went into my junior year, I was asked out a few times, but I always turned them down because I never was allowed to go out. My mother even laughed at me when I asked what she would say if I got a boyfriend. I started to get into trouble. I didn't become a bad kid because it was who I was, but I needed to do something, anything to go against their rules. And I don't mean I got into trouble as in becoming a felon, I just broke rules. Like I ditched class to hang out with friends, I snuck out at night. A few times I was careless and got caught. Again came their ridiculous reaction, acting like I was caught robbing a bank.
Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any ideas on how to deal with them. I recently started dating this boy that I really, really, really like. I told my parents about him. It was the hardest thing to do, but I figured that I should be honest with them. They said it was fine, but they gritted their teeth. Anyway, earlier I left my cell phone on the kitchen table as I was taking a shower. It was the stupidest thing I ever did. Of course my mother found it, and read my messages. There were messages on there that were only meant for me and my boyfriend to see. They weren't explicit, but we were discussing sex in a joking fashion. My mother went off the handle. She said I had no respect for myself, and that my boyfriend was the skeeviest most putrid creature on the planet. She said I have no business being with him anymore.
What should I do? I'm currently a senior in high school. I get good grades. I'm even taking classes at the local University. I have no job (I've never been allowed to get one), I don't have a car, I've never even taken drivers ed. I feel so trapped. I've signed myself up for a ton of college courses for next semester, so I'm in class from early morning to late afternoon. I hate living here, but I'm dependent on them. I can't afford to go out of state for college, so I'm most likely going to be living here for the next 4 years. And I can't deal with this anymore. The constant nagging. The insults. The yelling, screaming, and fits because I didn't clean the kitchen to the highest possible standard. It's bull****. Idk. I wrote this mostly to vent. Thanks to anyone who reads it!
you're 18. get a job, follow your interests in life.
if you have decent human beings for parents they will eventually start understanding you are your own person. don't disrespect them, don't speak badly of them (even if you REALLY REALLY feel the need to) and do not bow down to their every wish and demand of you.
you NEED to start earning your own place in life to cut the ties the bind you to them. get a job, earn money, buy your own things and become a separate entity from them. they have to learn you are not "theirs" anymore and you have to earn this through example and practice in motion.
Your parents are doing their job as best they can, give them a break. Everyone that had decent parents felt the way you do at times (and escalated situations that don't need to be escalated as you seem to be doing), but it passes.
A small piece of advice, if you ever raise your voice in an argument, you've already lost. Just concede defeat gracefully. If you can remain calm and make an argument, you might not win, but they'll probably at least reconsider their positions after you've left the room.
Are your parents religious? Your mom seems to have issues. Are you allowed to take driver's ed? I would sign up for that while you're still in H.S. where it's easily available.
Taking college classes is a good move. I can only suggest taking on the role of the perfect daughter. Consider it practice for an acting career. Be the good daughter they want you to be, for the rest of the year. Earn their trust. Get good grades. If they see you doing everything right, they might loosen up. What happened to the guy, is he still around?
The other thing you can do is apply to schools that are in-state but in a different town, and apply for scholarships, and work-study programs. There are some public universities, and some private ones, that provide full financial aid coverage for all expenses, if the student demonstrates financial need. Getting the best grades helps you get merit-based scholarships, as well. It sounds like you haven't explored your options in that regard, it sounds like you've accepted living at home as a foregone conclusion. Talk to the guidance counselor at your school about college financial aid options.
No matter where you go to college, there will be a counseling center where students can see psychologists for free. You could start seeing one, to have someone to talk to about all this. He/she will be supportive, and will help you sort out any self-esteem issues you may have as a result of all this, and help you deal with resentment, as well as have suggestions on how to deal with your parents.
Hang in there. You seem really bright, capable and aware. You can pull through this and have a great life. It'll take patience until you get into college.
Your parents are doing their job as best they can, give them a break. Everyone that had decent parents felt the way you do at times (and escalated situations that don't need to be escalated as you seem to be doing), but it passes.
A small piece of advice, if you ever raise your voice in an argument, you've already lost. Just concede defeat gracefully. If you can remain calm and make an argument, you might not win, but they'll probably at least reconsider their positions after you've left the room.
The first part of your post is complete BS. The second part, however, is excellent, but in this case it is likely futile.
Any parent that would call their daughter a **** or a ***** is a disgusting and reprehensible human being who should never have had children.
Our job as parents is to raise children to be independent, not dependent. That means allowing them to use their judgement, allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them, and being there to pick them up, dust them off and bandage their wounds when they--metaphorically--skin their knees. If we have effectively done our job as parents that shouldn't be all that often.
Sorry to hear that you're so unhappy under your parents roof...most teens I know have some complaints about the ideals their parents have that clash with theirs...I think that's normal, but it's something you'll just have to tolerate while you're in their home...My only suggestion to you would be to 1)lose the journal (look at the anguish it caused you) and most importantly 2)don't text...ever. You're not the first (nor I doubt the last) who've learned the hard way just how detrimental having stored texts can be to your well being...hopefully you'll be able to finish school, find a job and get a place of your own...also at 18, if you care for a man, why not try introducing him proudly to your parents so that they can actually see that he's a nice man instead of meeting him on the sly.
Apply only to colleges that are at the very least 50 miles away so you can live in a dorm.
Stick to your guns and break away from your parents, or you will never be allowed to gain your independence.
There are all sorts of grants, scholarships and financial aid available for college students, so don't take no for an answer....this is YOUR life.
....and I'm a Mom of 2 grown daughters, so I know of what I speak.
Sorry to hear that you're so unhappy under your parents roof...most teens I know have some complaints about the ideals their parents have that clash with theirs...I think that's normal, but it's something you'll just have to tolerate while you're in their home...My only suggestion to you would be to 1)lose the journal (look at the anguish it caused you) and most importantly 2)don't text...ever. You're not the first (nor I doubt the last) who've learned the hard way just how detrimental having stored texts can be to your well being...hopefully you'll be able to finish school, find a job and get a place of your own...also at 18, if you care for a man, why not try introducing him proudly to your parents so that they can actually see that he's a nice man instead of meeting him on the sly.
Lose your journal? Seriously? Stop texting? Really?
What kind of parent invades a child's privacy like that? As parents we have a responsibility to guide and direct our children. My sons all know that I could review their browsing history, or look at their phone at anytime. I have never done so because it would be an egregious invasion of privacy, and would only be done in the most extreme of circumstances.
This young lady should probably make some changes in her life. Being rebellious for rebelliousness sake is not particularly conducive to living a productive life. That said, her parents (mother) sound like appalling human beings.
When you turn 18, get a job, keep working, ask your boyfriend if it is ok to live with him, look for a roommate, or try to find a job as a live-in nanny, or nurse, but get away before you go crazy.
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