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Back when I first moved to this area I , and later I and my partner, had a freind who we did stuff with..go out drinking, eating, stuff in general.....then he ended up moving to California. We helped him move, even took him to the catch the train in Cincy (he didnt have much stuff).
Then, visited with him in LA once, then again I and my partner visited with him San Francsico when he relocated there. Then nothing. Lost contact.
He moved to Cali in the early 1990s and the last time we had contact during the SF trip was maybe the late 90s or early 00s....say 12 to 15 years ago.
Then, lo and behold, I get a phone call from him.
Turns out he is lost his job, came close to being homeless, and moved in with parents in rural Pennsylvania, where he is taking some sort of online course in something, and was calling asking about...me? No. he was also asking about rental prices in Dayton, too, as he is thinking of relocating here after he finishes his online course.
Apparently he knew a lot about me via researching me online (including that my partner passed away almost 3 years ago)..he told me this. He also told me he "found my phone number with some old papers". Things that make you go hmmm.
I think he is looking for a place to crash while he looks for work and an apt in Dayton.
Now, I have fond nostalgic memories of those early days when I, my partner and him used to hang out together, back 20 years ago. Those were some good times, some of the best times, actually. But they are also bound up with memories of my life with my partner, and that is over.
I'm miffed. I figure if he was interested in keeping in contact he would have. But now that hard times come knocking he "finds my number is some old papers"
I think the past should stay in the past. Those were the good old days, and I don't want to know him now.
That's too bad Dayton Sux...why care why he looked you up....the thing is he did....he was a great friend last time you saw him, and you'all had a lot of good times together.....I've had friends I haven't seen or heard from in over 10 years.....that doesn't mean I wouldn't welcome them when we finally get the chance to see each other again.....time means nothing to MY friendships....guess it does to you though...so just don't respond to any of his attempts to contact you, I'm sure he'll get the message.
I agree with you on this: I think your instincts are probably correct.
I had a similar situation where a friend of ours (hubs & me) moved to another state, got married, moved to ANOTHER state and then after many years, moved back to Texas. Meanwhile, whenever he came home for a visit, he never contacted us, but rather, our other friends. Weird, but ok.
When he finally moved back for good, he dropped by our house unannounced and asked if he could park his motorhome at our house and use our electricity. I said, you know a lot has happened since the last time we saw you and you've never kept in contact with us. In fact, I went through breast cancer and the whole nine yards and I never even heard from you. He said, bummer, so, can we park here?
It wasn't that it was a far cry from his normal behavior but I thought WTF????? We sort of kept in contact for a few years but we just don't like him very much now. He's still stuck on how much fun the group of us had "back in the day" but what he leaves out is how he mooches everything off of his friends. Some of our friends thinks that ok, cause that's just how he is. And I say, it's not ok. He is a 50 year old bum who hasn't had a steady job in 20 years. He talks crap about the "man" and how he'd never work but then expects his friends to give him meals and a hot shower.
I'm rambling now...sorry...but sometimes, when your spidey senses are tingling, trust them. Keep your fond memories and move on. If you like, give him some references to call to make his own arrangements but that is where it can end.
Oh, and I wanted to add, I'm really sorry you lost your partner. I imagine that it would be very difficult or sad to have some of those "good times" crop up in conversation, only leaving you a bit down. Good luck with whatever you choose.
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so just don't respond to any of his attempts to contact you, I'm sure he'll get the message.
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I'm rambling now...sorry...but sometimes, when your spidey senses are tingling, trust them. Keep your fond memories and move on. If you like, give him some references to call to make his own arrangements but that is where it can end.
Yes...no thank you both.....I pretty much did what you suggest. I put together some info on rentals, gleaned from various sources, and also some info on the poor job situation here. He did call and leave a message that the rents look ok for the income he is expecting. But I deleted the message and dont plan on any further contact.
I figure I was civil enough to send him the package of rental info and a personal letter brining him up-to-date.as a common courtesy.
I like the guy, but if he knew my partner passed a note or message of some sort in condolence would be in-order? I guess that bothers me, too...
I do think if he had made ANY genuine effort to know how you're doing and acted like he cared, your response might've been different. I think you the information you provided is good enough. It's funny, I have a long time friend that I hardly ever talk to or see, but I KNOW she's the real deal. Had she wanted anything from me and I was able to give it, I would. Sometimes, people change though - as is the case here. That's OK to move on...
I think you're handling this the right way. If he's just out for a place to stay, not letting him stay with you will put a quick stop to that. If he truly wants to maintain a friendship, he'll keep in touch with you even if he's not staying with you.
I think the past should stay in the past. Those were the good old days, and I don't want to know him now.
That's cold.
He didn't have easy time during the past few years as you can imagine. He avoided contact or did not initiate contact maybe due to shame, lack of energy, lack of money, etc.
But, you not wanting to know him now for he has done nothing bad to you and brought some good moemories and times for you, is just cold.
Yeh...it's the pits when our friends don't act the way we want them to...you had some great times, and you really liked the guy...seems to me that you're "letting him go" based on what you presume might happen...but then that's your call, and your life....ShellNic...I have many old time friends that I rarely contact....some of them still aren't aware that we had another child 17 years ago....but how could they?...It's all good, and maybe one day if we meet up again...we can catch up on what's been happening in our lives...even if that never happens, or I die first...I'll go down still considering them as the good friends they were.
Yeh...it's the pits when our friends don't act the way we want them to...you had some great times, and you really liked the guy...seems to me that you're "letting him go" based on what you presume might happen...but then that's your call, and your life....ShellNic...I have many old time friends that I rarely contact....some of them still aren't aware that we had another child 17 years ago....but how could they?...It's all good, and maybe one day if we meet up again...we can catch up on what's been happening in our lives...even if that never happens, or I die first...I'll go down still considering them as the good friends they were.
Amen to that.
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