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Yeh...it's the pits when our friends don't act the way we want them to...you had some great times, and you really liked the guy...seems to me that you're "letting him go" based on what you presume might happen...but then that's your call, and your life....ShellNic...I have many old time friends that I rarely contact....some of them still aren't aware that we had another child 17 years ago....but how could they?...It's all good, and maybe one day if we meet up again...we can catch up on what's been happening in our lives...even if that never happens, or I die first...I'll go down still considering them as the good friends they were.
I feel the way you do...and I also feel the other way. I've had both experiences. I can honestly see where the other poster thought it was cold, without additional information, to cut this guy out. I'm not cold-hearted, but I truly understand why the OP feels that way.
It's a case by case scenario. I suppose I feel like it would be time for him to move on because of a couple of factors. Ya'll are supposing that this guy has fallen on hard times and just couldn't keep in contact all these years. Or perhaps he's ashamed of his circumstances. From the OP, some of these have been mentioned but seriously, we don't have a complete timeline.
So, for me, this guy fell out of touch for a REALLY LONG time and upon getting in touch with the OP, he doesn't ask about the partner. The OP is probably thinking along the lines of why don't you care enough to ask about him but you have the wherewithall to ask about rental prices in the area. I'm sure he felt slighted...that was all he needed. It may seem unfair but I surely understand it. If he could've been just a little more considerate of his old friend's life, that old friend might've been more friendly.
As in my case, I knew this guy for 20 something years and he discarded my serious illness with a "bummer" and can you give me something??? Old friend or not, he was a dirtbag when dealing with me and my husband for that matter. And in my other example, I have this long time friend that years don't seem to affect it...lucky for me!! It really is case by case.
So, for me, this guy fell out of touch for a REALLY LONG time and upon getting in touch with the OP, he doesn't ask about the partner.
The partner thing isnt that big a deal for me since he wouldn't of know of the passing unless he was looking. The point is that it was a really long time...over a decade, since the mid to late 1990s....that we lost contact. It wasn't because of his falling on hard times, since I think he was doing OK until the recession. Anyone who could afford to live in San Francisco is doing OK.
I actually did try to find him via the net but he has a common name so I never got any obvious hits....my partner and I would have liked to keep in touch...it was "whatever happened to B___?" "Lets try to find B___ on the net". After my partner had passed I sent notes or made calls to people we knew, people from far back that we used to be close to and I still had addresses for, to let them know, but he was a lose end.
Anyway, I figure his life had moved on and he had no need or interest in keeping up with people from the past. In fact I suspect I probably would never have heard from him if not for his recent hard times and wish to relocate to Dayton....
The partner thing isnt that big a deal for me since he wouldn't of know of the passing unless he was looking. The point is that it was a really long time...over a decade, since the mid to late 1990s....that we lost contact. It wasn't because of his falling on hard times, since I think he was doing OK until the recession. Anyone who could afford to live in San Francisco is doing OK.
I actually did try to find him via the net but he has a common name so I never got any obvious hits....my partner and I would have liked to keep in touch...it was "whatever happened to B___?" "Lets try to find B___ on the net". After my partner had passed I sent notes or made calls to people we knew, people from far back that we used to be close to and I still had addresses for, to let them know, but he was a lose end.
Anyway, I figure his life had moved on and he had no need or interest in keeping up with people from the past. In fact I suspect I probably would never have heard from him if not for his recent hard times and wish to relocate to Dayton....
I have very mixed emotions about all this.
You keep saying "partner." Were both you and your partner male?
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no, thats not the issue, all three of us were gay.
More the issue I think is that he just moved on with his life, which I understand.
I'm going to cogitate on this. There is the issue that I am thinking of him as he was 20 years ago, not as he may be today. So a pitfall there in renewing contact or the freindship, that I am "seeing" him in the sepia tones of nostalgia for good times past.
I agree with you on this: I think your instincts are probably correct.
I had a similar situation where a friend of ours (hubs & me) moved to another state, got married, moved to ANOTHER state and then after many years, moved back to Texas. Meanwhile, whenever he came home for a visit, he never contacted us, but rather, our other friends. Weird, but ok.
When he finally moved back for good, he dropped by our house unannounced and asked if he could park his motorhome at our house and use our electricity. I said, you know a lot has happened since the last time we saw you and you've never kept in contact with us. In fact, I went through breast cancer and the whole nine yards and I never even heard from you. He said, bummer, so, can we park here?
It wasn't that it was a far cry from his normal behavior but I thought WTF????? We sort of kept in contact for a few years but we just don't like him very much now. He's still stuck on how much fun the group of us had "back in the day" but what he leaves out is how he mooches everything off of his friends. Some of our friends thinks that ok, cause that's just how he is. And I say, it's not ok. He is a 50 year old bum who hasn't had a steady job in 20 years. He talks crap about the "man" and how he'd never work but then expects his friends to give him meals and a hot shower.
I'm rambling now...sorry...but sometimes, when your spidey senses are tingling, trust them. Keep your fond memories and move on. If you like, give him some references to call to make his own arrangements but that is where it can end.
As the old saying goes, With "friends" like this, who needs enemies?
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no, thats not the issue, all three of us were gay.
More the issue I think is that he just moved on with his life, which I understand.
I'm going to cogitate on this. There is the issue that I am thinking of him as he was 20 years ago, not as he may be today. So a pitfall there in renewing contact or the freindship, that I am "seeing" him in the sepia tones of nostalgia for good times past.
Were you and him like messed around before? I am asking because maybe he doesn't want to be with you and don't want to be too caring by sending out the wrong message.
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No..nothing like that, just friends. He, I & my partner used to hang out together...visiting w. each other, going out, stuff like that.
I should just cut this off before it starts, but I'm curious, though.
For the past two years I take road-trips east to visit another friend in Hartford and a niece who is going to college in Maine, so I could make a stop on the way to visit him and see him again.
That might be a good idea, to have a very structured and limited time to meet & talk. Something over coffee or a talk while backroad riding, to see what he's about now, to measure how far we've grown apart.
I probably will e-mail him and be frank about why is he interested in returning here, especially since his potential new job (if he lands one) means he has the freedom to locate pretty much anywhere.
OP good luck, it sounds like you still want to offer an olive branch/be friends.
But if he is ultimately looking for a place to crash, forget it. I had a friend who was there when my Dad was sick and in some ways it was good, but she was also a screw-up who couldn't hold on to an apartment and always had ulterior motives. She was hoping to live rent free with me in NY but I ended up getting married, which upset her even more. The true colors came out.
Its nice to give people second and third chances, as long as you aren't emotionally invested in the friendship if it goes sour again.
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No..nothing like that, just friends. He, I & my partner used to hang out together...visiting w. each other, going out, stuff like that.
I should just cut this off before it starts, but I'm curious, though.
For the past two years I take road-trips east to visit another friend in Hartford and a niece who is going to college in Maine, so I could make a stop on the way to visit him and see him again.
That might be a good idea, to have a very structured and limited time to meet & talk. Something over coffee or a talk while backroad riding, to see what he's about now, to measure how far we've grown apart.
I probably will e-mail him and be frank about why is he interested in returning here, especially since his potential new job (if he lands one) means he has the freedom to locate pretty much anywhere.
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PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
But I think you're right to proceed. I mean, I agree with you that there are some things about this that are a bit troublesome. For instance - if he really did do quite a bit of "online research" about you and seemed to know personal details that seem inappropriate for him to know. The long length of time with no contact, and then contact with an attached request always raises a red flag to me.
But - was he a user or a moocher in the past? I mean, there's a lot of info online about all of us, more than we probably realize, and in the process of trying to find out how to reach you, he may have just googled you and started looking. It's not unreasonable to contact someone from the past who lives in an area you're considering moving to - for information about the area. But there are also easier ways to find out about the area too - less awkward than mixing business with pleasure at this point.
I think your instinct is right - at the very least, he doesn't seem to have a good handle on the intricacies of polite human interaction, and that can be a problem.
But he may just be someone who's not particularly gracious but who has other qualities. If you WANT to explore the possibility of reawakening your friendship, just be sure you do it on your terms - and protect yourself by restraining both your emotions and your information till you know more about where his head is.
You've probably already figured all that out, but I just really wanted to say -"Careful!"
The long length of time with no contact, and then contact with an attached request always raises a red flag to me.
Yeah, thats what bugged me. I was thinking "when you had work and were living your life in SF I didn't exist. Now I do?". Obviously he wants something more than to rekindle a freindship.
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But - was he a user or a moocher in the past?
No, not really. He was pretty self-sufficient and self-reliant. Which in itself tells me he will do what he feels he needs to do to survive.
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I mean, there's a lot of info online about all of us, more than we probably realize, and in the process of trying to find out how to reach you, he may have just googled you and started looking. It's not unreasonable to contact someone from the past who lives in an area you're considering moving to - for information about the area. But there are also easier ways to find out about the area too - less awkward than mixing business with pleasure at this point.
Yeah, I was thinking that is how he found out my phone number. It is an unlisted number, but I don't believe the story that he found it in some old papers.
This guy has called me again (leaving a message), wanting to talk. He said he doesn't want to be a pest, but if I just want to email that's ok, too. I emailed him with sort of a noncomittal response, and will see where this goes. Right now it would be easy to pull the plug...& i will go slow...
....as you and others said: "Proceed With Caution". However, I fully expect him to ask to couch surf at some point.
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