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I have an eating disorder, and when my now-husband and I first met, I was considerably smaller than now, and though not model-thin, reasonably hot. Very hot, he thought at the time. I have always been very pretty, regardless of my size. 2+ years later, we got married for the first time each... at 45 (me) and 51 (him)... and my food issues reared their ugly selves due to all the changes, moving, living with someone, and the next thing you know, I had reverted in seeming desperation to some old behaviors I though I was pretty much past. Over the course of the relationship from the beginning to now, I am 40-50 pounds heavier. 30-40 pounds of the weight gain was even before the wedding, so I know he loves me just the same, but our intimate life has suffered, and he has admitted to being embarrassed to having this shallow aspect of himself revealed. We are both interesting, intelligent people with plenty to engage us in life and a deep love and emotional connection. I am seeing an eating disorder specialist.
What are your opinions? Please do not take me to task for a lack of self-control if you do not understand eating disorders. I started this thread as a spinoff in the Relationships forum, and there seemed to be an assumption I am anorexic and that 50 pounds would look good on me. I am not anorexic. I am a non-purging bulemic; that is, when I feel out of control, my anxiety is calmed by eating large quantities of unhealthy food. I do not throw them back up again. At those times in my life when I have engaged in this frequently, there has been significant weight gain, and this is one of those times.
My question is, now that we are married, is the burden on me to completely straighten up and fly right (a rather unreasonable expectation at this point -- again, I am seeing an eating disorder specialist whose goal is to help me stabilize my weight instead of the yo-yo), or is there, again now that we are married, some burden on my husband to loosen up his expectations of physical desirability.
I would be interested in any nonjudgmental thoughts on this matter.
I think one of the best things you can do is go to couples therapy and discuss this issue in that environment. My DH is a binge eater as well (no purging) and he is finally going to family therapy with me to address all kinds of issues. I notice that when he is in a better place mentally the eating slows down a bit. I am sure you are well aware of how complex and difficult eating disorders can be, but maybe your DH is not? It was very enlightening to me to have all this explained.
I am not shallow about DH's weight gain at all, but I am concerned about his health due to the severity of the gain and the distribution of the weight (belly area).
I had (I guess HAVE as it never really goes away) disordered eating so I understand how you feel. (I am not overweight but have many, many issues with food...I tend to be healthy and then BAM I go into cray mode where I won't eat much and lose crazy weight)
ANYWAY...my husband was very "non-helping" in the beginning. He saw things as black and white "you either eat it or you don't." He didn't get why I would start crying in the check out line over wanting a candybar but not brining myself to actually buy it or eat it. It caused many fights.
Over time it get better with my husband. I sat him down and asked for his help. I explained that I rationally knew that it was eat it or don't eat it but having an eating disorder is IRRATIONAL and that in those times I needed his support. He is very good now...and I don't have the problem so much anymore. (although I have about 20 pounds to lost after having twins a year and a half ago...need to get on the ball the healthy way)
So...I would sit him down when you are both calm and in good moods. Tell him that you want to be healthy and happy TOGETHER and in order to do that you need his help and support. Tell him you know you have gained weight and that you know he still loves you but that it hurts you that he feels embarressed by you and your weight. Then maybe see if you two can tackle some of your problem together...maybe when we sees you binging he can ask you to go for a walk...your cue to put down the food and his cue to help you. Together you can work through this and together you can live a healthier lifestyle. (My husband sees me binge at times and I have asked him to point it out as with binging most of the time you don't realize how far you are going) I get mad at him for a minute and then know that I asked him to help me this way.
Good luck. I know it is tough right now. If this doesn't work or if you can't go down this path, then maybe invite him to one of your sessions so your therapist can explain to him what is going on. Sometimes people have to hear it from a professional before they will believe it.
I would recommend attending Overeater's Anonymous which is an excellent group for ALL eating disorders (not just "overeaters") and food-related addictive behavior. It is a practical, helpful, successful program. It works. The people are very loving, supportive, nonjudgmental. Don't beat yourself up, you know that is not the answer. It is NOT a food plan but addresses (as you already know) the emotional reasons that put us into our behavior, and how to respond differently. It is listed in the white pages, or do a google search for your area.
A companion program that is very helpful especially with regards to the relationship concerns you raise in the opening post, is Al-Anon. Anyone with eating disorders who is also wanting to do healthy relationships, this program is excellent. If hubby is willing to attend he would benefit, but that of course is up to him. I have found 12-step programs to be the best thing on the planet, in my experience they do what years of therapy only try to do. Best wishes to you it is possible to live happy, joyous, and free!
Last edited by Tzaphkiel; 04-01-2008 at 11:36 AM..
...the weight gain was even before the wedding, so I know he loves me just the same, but our intimate life has suffered, and he has admitted to being embarrassed to having this shallow aspect of himself revealed. My question is, now that we are married, is the burden on me to completely straighten up...or is there, now that we are married, some burden on my husband to loosen up his expectations of physical desirability.
Accolades to your husband for admitting his true feelings. I think he definitely needs to be part of this. I have a family member with an eating disorder and it is my understanding that there is a genetic predisposition to eating disorders; they fall into the family of addiction. You can't do it all by yourself. Good luck--you seem very insightful and it sounds as if you and your spouse have an honest relationship with each other.
You're being hard on yourself by saying "Flying Right." You have a disorder/problem; it's not that you are doing anything "wrong." And, yes your husband should see this as not a physical issue, but a psychological/emotional one. Your not "perfect," but neither is he.
You would only be wrong if you weren't trying to be right. Dont be afraid to try different therapist too.
I thought I caught something awhile back about ECT therapy helping people with e.d.s ,ocd, etc...
It was the whole slew of anxiety prone issues.
You may also want to talk to a doctor to see if you are dealing with a hormonal drop thats causing depression/anxiety that triggered past issues. Good luck with it all.
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