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Oh Chris - my heart is just breaking for you. I don't even know what to tell you. I feel like your parents should love you and accept you for who you are - not who they want you to be. I want to tell you to live your own life and be true to yourself. But if you are really terrifed that your mom will commit suicide if you come out of the closet again - how can I tell you to do it? I wish you were my son or brother or whatever - I would love you no matter what. Nobody should put people in the position that you are in. Parents should want their children to be happy. I don't even know how to tell you to be happy - and it breaks my heart.
Unfortunately, my life has taken a huge turn for the worse within the past week. My roommate and now former best friend, who I have been friends with for over six years, backed me into a corner, as did my parents. My parents threw me an ultimatum that I must move out of my apartment into my own place or they will cut me off, as they believe I will go to hell for having any association with homosexuals. Though I have plenty of my own reasons for getting my own place, my roommate begged me to stay. I told him about the ultimatum my parents threw at me and he threw his own saying that if I move out, our friendship may be over. As much as I care about my roommate as a friend, I could not choose him over my blood relatives. Now we are no longer on speaking terms and I am set to move out in a little over a month.
I am very saddened by the fact that a six year friendship could be ended because of my parents. This decision is pretty much irreversible though and I have no choice but to go through with it. Though I would still prefer to move out for other reasons even if my parents were not in the picture, I feel completely responsible for betraying my best friend. Had I not mentioned the issue with my parents to him our friendship could have possibly been saved even if I did decide to move out.
This brings me to my main point...while I acknowledge that my relationship with my parents is unhealthy and life destructive...I just can't bear to see my family torn apart. While coming out of the closet for most people is liberating, for me it was humiliating as I was continually called an abomination by my family and told I would be better off dead. The issue nearly caused a divorce between my mom and dad. In the mind of my parents, they think this is love. They think by making my life a living hell and forcing me to end all my worldly friendships they are saving my soul from an eternity in hell. As I've said before, according to their church there is absolutely nothing worse a human being can do in the eyes of God than be a homosexual. I truly feel if I came back out to my parents, my mom would commit suicide. The church teaches that if a child becomes a homosexual, its the fault of the parents. My parents simply cannot deal with that.
I feel I must go deeper into to closet and return to the Independent Fundamental Baptist church just to be worthy of life. Problem is, much of the IFB way of thinking is still ingrained in my mind. For instance, I lost my job just a little over a month after I came out of the closet the first time. My parents told me it was the "wrath of God pouring out on my head" in my mom's words. How can I be sure it wasn't? Was it just co-incidence or was God really punishing me? My dad told me he foresaw God pouring out his wrath on me in ways He never has before if I were to renew my lease with my roommate. While I don't 100% believe that he is right...is it possible?
Part of me wants to return to the IFB church because I felt safe and secure there. In a time right now where I am all alone, I feel drawn to the church. I have a feeling alienating me from my friends were my parents' plan all along so that way they could force me back to the church. That said, I know I will never be able live my own life as long as I attend an IFB church nor as long as my parents have the leverage in my life they have.
Sorry for the rant, its just been a very emotionally distressing week, and needed to get this out there.
My heart breaks as I read your OP. Seldom do I see or hear of people who put the concern/love for others before self in such a way...that it tears apart your being. Who you are is something you have no control of. I don't agree when people say that homosexuality is a learned behavior. Why would anybody want to go through the humiliation and hardship...just to satisfy a lifestyle? I don't believe so...
I pray that you find the peace you seek so desperately...and be happy with who you are without the guilt hanging over your head!
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,701 posts, read 41,771,805 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bchris02
This is a very dark time in my life. Having last year come out of the closet as a gay man, I experienced endless mental torture from my family. In their church, homosexuality is the worst sin possible for mankind to commit, and they made sure I was aware of that almost every day by phone calls, text, email, or some other mention. But this isn't about homosexuality or trying to justify it. My family is very dear to me. I was raised in a strict Independent Fundamental Baptist church and when I was attending the church and following the rules, I was very close to my family. All of that changed when I came out gay and subsequently left the church. When most people in my shoes would disown their family in such a situation, I cannot bring myself to do it. My family means too much for me.
That said, upon a recent visit to them after not seeing them for a year, I went back into the closet and told them my homosexuality was just a phase and was now over it. In my heart, if being able to have a loving mom and dad means I must suppress my feelings towards other men, then so be it. Plus, the fact it was drilled into me every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night for 22 years that homosexuality is at the top of God's list of abominations, much of my inner being believes that it is sinful and I will go to hell for living a homosexual lifestyle, whether I can change the feelings or not. So I have given that up.
While things were better for a little while, they have gotten much worse, almost as bad as it was when I told them I was gay. I missed church Sunday because I went to a local amusement park and was told that afternoon by my parents that I am headed for hell, they do not trust me at all, and they are ashamed of me. That same message was re-iterated to me on the phone tonight because I question that the earth might be older than 6,000 years. I get called a mocker and a scoffer by them. Truth is, as horrible as all this sounds, my parents do love me and these issues break their hearts because they really believe I will go to hell for them. The only way I can make them happy is to completely cut myself off from the world and find an old-fashioned, fundamental, Independent Baptist church and dedicate my entire life to God and the church. Once again, a big part of me sees this as the right thing to do. I feel like I am trying to justify sin in my life by posting this message.
That said, the other side of me has done research on religion and specifically the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and their cult-like beliefs. With them, its either you are with them or against them and there is no middle ground. I am not sure if the Bible is meant to be taken entirely literal or figuratively...though a figurative interpretation is damnable heresy in the church. I question why a God who hates homosexuals so much would allow me, son of an Independent Baptist preacher, to have homosexual tendencies. Through college and research my mind has been opened that I have difficult time believing whole-heartedly the earth is only 6,000 years old. Its getting very close to time I am going to have to face a decision I am dreading. I am either going to have to jump in the IFB cult wholeheartedly or disown my family entirely and live my own life. The religious side of me tells me the former will lead me to heaven while the latter will send me to hell.
One thing always taught to me growing up was that if you obey God He will bless you and if you do not obey you will be cursed. If I take the route of living my own life, I feel not only will I burn in hell, but I will have a life of sorrow and hardship as God pours out his wrath on me.
No matter which path I choose...I don't feel I will ever find peace. I can't turn to a more mainstream Christianity teaching God's love because my family will never accept that. Plus, I have a difficult time reconciling the notion of a loving God with the persona of God I grew up with: angry, vengeful, full of wrath, who is coming soon to destroy the world by fire and brimstone. I might as well go all out and be a gay atheist if I am going to go for a more liberal interpretation of Christianity. In fact, it would be easier to do. I wish I could become an atheist because I would have a much greater peace if there was no God than I do now knowing I am on the brink of God's wrath being unleashed on me, but I know in my heart God is real.
I know this has been a long post and I thank you for reading. I should probably seek counseling on this but I cannot afford it right now and I don't have job security. Any advice or further questions would be appreciated. I would like to find a solution that would be beneficial to both me and my family, but I cannot think of a way on my own that it could happen.
I don't know if anything I can say will help you but I'll try anyway.
It seems like your family has instilled in you that God is an angry God who wants perfection. The reason you may have these issues is that your family is sometimes the only bible you'll read and get knowledge of God from. If your family has a whacked out view of God, chances are you will too.
Now what I'm going to say will not sound Christian but I think it may be the only way you'll ever recover. Tell your family if you can't accept me, leave me alone. Cut them off, keep it moving. It just sounds to me that your family's only purpose is making you miserable. To me it is better to feel lonely without family than miserable with them.
As for returning to the IFB church, it's natural to feel scared about leaving and staying away your comfort zone. Not that it compares to your drama but I'm going through this now having left my home state of Virginia after 19 years and starting over unemployed in my new state of Kentucky. Once again, I keep it moving and don't look back.
To be honest, I think that what your parents should be concerned that they are going to hell by the way they are treating you.
How to Find Peace when Your mind is spinning out of control
Fortunately for us humans, we can only entertain one thought at a time. When your mind or the enemy of your soul is causing you to feel depression or fear, it is the time to recite Holy Bible Scripture to yourself to take control.
I will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is staid on ME.
As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
At Thy right Hand are pleasures for evermore. Psalm 16
The simplest way to find true peace is to read the Gospel: That Jesus died for YOUR sins and was resurrected for YOUR justification, and take it to heart. Believe it. It's true.
I have prayed much to say the things that will help you and others and here is what the Spirit put in my heart to say. Those who tell you that God can not change you are liars against God, false teachers who, "Having a form of godliness, but denying the Power thereof: from such turn away." 2TIM 3:5
But God says "Therefore He is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by Him, seeing he ever lives to make intercession for them." HEB 7:25 Christ does not teach the way of repression [self effort] but a new Life is born in you through the Power of the Holy Spirit as a free Gift. This new life is not put into old wine skins, [old mindset and life style] but into new wineskin's [The Truth and a new life style]. This is why the Word is so important, good conversation, the beauty of creation, and things without number that transform the being into the image of Christ
There are many who keep harping on eternal damnation which thing is true but they harp on because they have nothing else to offer. When you have come to Christ there is so much more to talk about and be excited about. "Therefore leaving the principles of the doctrine of Christ, let us go on unto perfection; not laying again the foundation of repentance from dead works, and of faith toward God, of the doctrine of baptisms, and of the laying on of hands, and of the resurrection of the dead, and of eternal judgment." HEB 6:1
If a church or an individual talk of damnation all too often then tell them you rather talk about the good things of salvation or avoid them.
Seek the things that build up the mind, body, soul and spirit. Avoid wrong situations and friends that tempt you away from Christ and good living habits. Find your own church whether in homes or in the assembly. Some times you must walk in solitude but you are not alone if you have Christ. Don't rely on feelings as they come and go but Christ abides forever whether in calm waters, sadness, storms, or the Mt. top of great power and Joy. Therefore, "Make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed." HEB 12:13
If you have turned to Christ for help then you do not need to keep going over the basic elements of Christianity but rather come boldly before God daily and receive help in the your times of need. If you have problems with temptation and wrongful desire as we all do at times, His Spirit will be there to provide the way of escape through more Grace if you do not deliberately entertain it. If you do fail, then ask for forgiveness and Christ will give you more Grace.
May the Love of God guide you into the ways of peace and keep you in the race for the Great Prize which I and all others who love Christ have had a foretaste of, by beholding His Glory [the beauty of His character].
This is a very dark time in my life. Having last year come out of the closet as a gay man, I experienced endless mental torture from my family. In their church, homosexuality is the worst sin possible for mankind to commit, and they made sure I was aware of that almost every day by phone calls, text, email, or some other mention. But this isn't about homosexuality or trying to justify it. My family is very dear to me. I was raised in a strict Independent Fundamental Baptist church and when I was attending the church and following the rules, I was very close to my family. All of that changed when I came out gay and subsequently left the church. When most people in my shoes would disown their family in such a situation, I cannot bring myself to do it. My family means too much for me.
That said, upon a recent visit to them after not seeing them for a year, I went back into the closet and told them my homosexuality was just a phase and was now over it. In my heart, if being able to have a loving mom and dad means I must suppress my feelings towards other men, then so be it. Plus, the fact it was drilled into me every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night for 22 years that homosexuality is at the top of God's list of abominations, much of my inner being believes that it is sinful and I will go to hell for living a homosexual lifestyle, whether I can change the feelings or not. So I have given that up.
While things were better for a little while, they have gotten much worse, almost as bad as it was when I told them I was gay. I missed church Sunday because I went to a local amusement park and was told that afternoon by my parents that I am headed for hell, they do not trust me at all, and they are ashamed of me. That same message was re-iterated to me on the phone tonight because I question that the earth might be older than 6,000 years. I get called a mocker and a scoffer by them. Truth is, as horrible as all this sounds, my parents do love me and these issues break their hearts because they really believe I will go to hell for them. The only way I can make them happy is to completely cut myself off from the world and find an old-fashioned, fundamental, Independent Baptist church and dedicate my entire life to God and the church. Once again, a big part of me sees this as the right thing to do. I feel like I am trying to justify sin in my life by posting this message.
That said, the other side of me has done research on religion and specifically the Independent Fundamental Baptist denomination and their cult-like beliefs. With them, its either you are with them or against them and there is no middle ground. I am not sure if the Bible is meant to be taken entirely literal or figuratively...though a figurative interpretation is damnable heresy in the church. I question why a God who hates homosexuals so much would allow me, son of an Independent Baptist preacher, to have homosexual tendencies. Through college and research my mind has been opened that I have difficult time believing whole-heartedly the earth is only 6,000 years old. Its getting very close to time I am going to have to face a decision I am dreading. I am either going to have to jump in the IFB cult wholeheartedly or disown my family entirely and live my own life. The religious side of me tells me the former will lead me to heaven while the latter will send me to hell.
One thing always taught to me growing up was that if you obey God He will bless you and if you do not obey you will be cursed. If I take the route of living my own life, I feel not only will I burn in hell, but I will have a life of sorrow and hardship as God pours out his wrath on me.
No matter which path I choose...I don't feel I will ever find peace. I can't turn to a more mainstream Christianity teaching God's love because my family will never accept that. Plus, I have a difficult time reconciling the notion of a loving God with the persona of God I grew up with: angry, vengeful, full of wrath, who is coming soon to destroy the world by fire and brimstone. I might as well go all out and be a gay atheist if I am going to go for a more liberal interpretation of Christianity. In fact, it would be easier to do. I wish I could become an atheist because I would have a much greater peace if there was no God than I do now knowing I am on the brink of God's wrath being unleashed on me, but I know in my heart God is real.
I know this has been a long post and I thank you for reading. I should probably seek counseling on this but I cannot afford it right now and I don't have job security. Any advice or further questions would be appreciated. I would like to find a solution that would be beneficial to both me and my family, but I cannot think of a way on my own that it could happen.
I just found this post, and it is an older one with lots of replies. So, Chris, what did you end up doing?
God Bless You.
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How to Find Peace when Your mind is spinning out of control
