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On Monday, May 21st my cat Kiggy was euthanized. I am in shock and the grief is beyond belief. She was my little companion for almost 15 years, and as strange as it sounds, the light of my life.
She was fine during the week before,, but by Friday night she was sleeping in a corner and was very hard to wake. When she did wake, she took a couple minutes to compose herself and then walked a little unsteady into the living room. She seemed to gain near full composer by that point. However, she had not been drinking water and had slowly stopped eating. The only thing we could get her to eat was cold cuts from Subway. She ate a great deal of those, but would not touch anything else. She did lick the gravy out of the canned cat food I had brought home, but at the time I had no clue as to why. I was not smart enough to put it all together...
By Saturday we were concerned about her, and on Sunday morning we took her into a vet we had never been to before. She did not have a regular vet, but we had been there before to buy Advantage a couple years back. ... yet another mistake.
We put her in for tests and rehydration. The next morning, Monday May 21st we awoke to the vet's call. She said she was serious and that there was nothing more she could do for our kitty. She was to stay through Monday evening for more hydration. But when my partner asked what she recommended we do, she told him if it was her cat, she would have her euthanized. She said she could have a seizure or heart attack at any time. her BUN was 300 and her creatnine iwas 10.0.
We took her word at face value and thought we had very little time to see her before she would die of a heart attack or stroke. We rushed down to see her. She looked much more hydrated and was weak a bit, and had the catheter tube in her front leg. We hugged and talked, the vet came in and asked if we were ready, and she was gone in a few seconds. That cat literally was by my side to see me out the door to work every day for 15 years, greeted me when I came home, and sat with me all night long. What was left of my heart left with her soul that morning, and I have cried daily since.
I felt like I had betrayed my best friend. I had really wanted to bring her home, at least to live her out her remaining time in a comfortable familiar place with her family, but we thought we had no choice. From the moment I had heard the news, I went into shock. I was so afraid. The vet never called us into her office or came in to talk to us about her condition, explain the numbers, tell us options or advise us. She did not even tell us that her eyes would freeze open or that her tongue would stick out as she passed away. I would not let them do anything unless I held her, and even as adamant as I was, it scared me even more.
I so wish the vet had talked to us. From what I have read since her passing, it has made it worse for me to know she may have been able to come home for a while and spend some time with us. We are very poor, but we could have obtained minimal insurance coverage and afforded hydration and the diet for her. The creatnine I stll do not even know what we would have had to do, but I would have done anything to make her comfortable during the time she had left.
Were her numbers too high to help her? The vet based this recommendation on the only blood test they ran, which was the night we brought her in. I've heard rehydration could have helped with the BUN at least... and that she could have probably come home, even for a short amount of time.
I hope to have her ashes by the end of this week, but like the costs and payment plan they promised that never materialized, they started stringing out the time frame for the return of her ashes. At that time, I will request a copy of her file so I can make sure and learn from our mistake and never let this happen again. I have learned a great deal since that time, I just wish it hadn't come at such a great cost. One thing I will never be able to forgive myself for is not bringing her home. Should the vet have discussed everything with us and asked us if we still wanted to proceed with the euthanization after knowing all the facts? All we had was those two numbers and her recommendation. Honestly, I was too numb to think, and that was the worst time for that to happen.
I miss her so. That little cat, all 5 lbs or her, managed to find the deepest part of my heart that no other pet or person ever has, and I am truly lost.
I'm so sorry you've been left with questions and doubt, as well as sorrow, due to losing Kiggy.
I also had a bad experience with my boys vet.
You made an unselfish decision to keep Kiggy from suffering and she knows you were only thinking of her and she loves you for everything you've done for her, all her life, including this last unselfish act.
I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I'm going to try to answer your questions honestly, as I feel strongly that pet owners deserve the most accurate information. The fact that you were left with questions means your vet failed you...but I want to reassure you first that in the end, you did the right thing for Kiggy.
A creatnine over 5.0 puts a cat in Stage 4 kidney failure. This means that the kidneys have lost 90% of their function. Kiggy very likely had chronic renal failure. Many cats do not show symptoms until the disease is very far progressed. Some cats cope with very compromised kidneys for long periods without obvious symptoms, then suddenly crash and go downhill almost overnight.
This was my own experience with my cat Nic. He was actually diagnosed with CRF at 7 and lived to be 14. In those 7 years he appeared very healthy even though he actually had a fatal disease (CRF is always fatal.) It wasn't until the last 6 months of his life that he went downhill and stopping eating and was clearly unwell. With some cats, like Kiggy, it happens even faster. So please don't blame yourself for not catching it earlier.
So Kiggy's CRF was very advanced based on those numbers. Could more hydration have given her a few more days at home? Again, I will be honest and say possibly. CRF is not just a disease of numbers. Sometimes hydration and medication can make the cat feel a little better and give them more time without affecting the numbers that much. Sometimes treatment can bring the numbers down while the cat is still showing symptoms.
However, it will be do you no good at all to think of what ifs. As I said, Nic lived for six months after he first started going downhill. But they were not good months...he was so hungry but couldn't eat, he didn't want to be touched, he so clearly felt terrible...I kept hoping things would turn around and he would have a little more 'good time.' It didn't happen. If I could have given that cat my own kidney, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But I couldn't...what I could do was finally let him go so he didn't have to hurt anymore.
That is what you did for Kiggy. Maybe she could have had a few more days at home. But maybe they would have been days of pain and hunger. Playing the what if game will drive you mad. You don't know what could have happened...so focus instead on what DID happen. Kiggy was hurting and now, because of you, she isn't anymore. To release her from her pain, you had to make a sacrifice and now you're the one hurting. That's love, my friend, in its purest form. You gave her that.
I'm very sorry the vet didn't prepare you for how the euthanasia would progress. We were always very careful at my hospital to explain what to expect...especially that the eyes don't close, because that can very upsetting if you don't expect it. If you feel up to it (not know, but maybe someday), you might want to write a letter explaining how you felt rushed and pressured...maybe the vet can learn something and do better for others. But despite all of that, it was still a gift from you to Kiggy, given with all of your love and heartache, and that part you have no reason to doubt.
John, I can't say anything more than others have, & I see this & am totally heart-broken that tears in my eyes block my typing but I know what you're dealing with. The feeling of emptiness has let you know, that you TRULY loved her. But please rest assured she is in God's hands now & has gone to Rainbow Bridge, & YOU WILL see her AGAIN.
I lost a boy kitty in '08, same way & so fast & know this grief is w/ me today still.
I will say a prayer for you & ESPECIALLY for your beloved girl Kiggy, & Please know that God has a plan much bigger than our knowledge. HE allowed this to show you that this world isn't ours, nor do we want it, but to remember we will see a better world & she WILL be there awaiting you.
May God Bless you & please take care to grieve in your way. But please remember her love & caring for YOU, & that which you GAVE her. God will reward you for loving his precious creature. Peace be with you.
You have my sincere sympathy. I know the pain you are feeling right now for the loss of your kitty.
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