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Yesh, I'm in a ranting mood tonight- I apologize. I just don't get to talk about this stuff much.
My heart goes out to you - not need to apologize. Feel free to come here and rant when you need too. Please try and find a support group for yourself - it really might help!
Thank you to everyone for the replies and support. It really has helped.
I'm not sure assisted living is something she'll agree to at this time- I don't have power of attorney, so it isn't something I can just decide. What I would really like to do is find a group or activity that she can join. I think it would do us both so much good for her to have friends of her own and have that social interaction that she craves. I'm a much more solitary person by nature, but she'll talk to people in stores and makes friends easily.
My only issue is going to be getting her to actually go- she'll agree to it at first, than back out. She's embarrassed by her memory issues, and I think she's developing anxiety issues about leaving the house (which I would really like to get in front of before it gets worse). But I'm thinking maybe I can find a book group or writing group that we can both go to for a few sessions, and then start getting her to go by herself. I'd also love to get her into a support group for people with auto immune disorders or something similar.
As a side note, she refuses flat out to take any kind of medication for depression or anxiety. She took an anti-depressant once and developed suicidal thoughts. Her sister also committed suicide while on anti-depressants.
Thanks to all the support here, I have made a resolution that things have to change.
Boston was really the final straw for me. The entire train ride home I was fighting so hard not to cry because I KNEW she would make a huge deal about the bruise on her arm. I went to the con for three days, and then had a week off for vacation. I had made a promise to myself that that week would be my time to work on submitting query letters for the book I'm trying to publish. I barely had five minutes that week to sit down at the computer, and I knew that was going to happen. It just...I can't describe really how it just kind of shattered me. I haven't worked on my book at all since, and this was months ago. I know at this point I'M the one interfering with myself, but I just completely lost my motivation. She asks me sometimes how the book is coming, and I just want to scream- I just tell her I don't want to talk about it. I did try explaining one time how the entire thing affected me, but she went on about how it wasn't her fault and she wasn't in her right mind because of the trauma...which might be true, but doesn't help.
Yesh, I'm in a ranting mood tonight- I apologize. I just don't get to talk about this stuff much.
You should feel free to vent here and there are many other on-line communities where caregivers share information and, yes, vent.
There could come a point where you can no longer either physically or mentally do this on your own.
At that point, your elder could be better off in another location such as AL; you could have a more normal relationship. (What's normal about a child parenting their adult). NO ONE knows how stressful it can be unless they have walked in your shoes.
It's sad when your beloved Mom (or Dad whatever the case may be) stops being an integral part of the family and starts just being another problem for you to solve.
You might start with a caregiver that comes into the home to give you a break. You have more power here than you think. Your mother needs you because she wants to keep the status quo - whether or not it's in her best interest. One condition of you staying on for now - is that you insist on help to give yourself some peace and rest.
As another poster said, if your flame burns ALL the way out; you won't be able to care for anyone. Caregiver burn-out is real. You are at risk for depression and escalation of your own health issues if you can't set some boundaries and find time foryourself. You are under a tremendous amount of stress. Start reaching out and find what resources are available in your community.
I totally understand. I have both my parents, through a terrible confluence of events, and at the same time I'm grateful, because one's personality *somewhat* balances the other. I always unkindly think "you better not die first and leave me stuck with the other one!" and then am immediately chargrined because - of couse I don't want either of them to die.
But you do sound like you're burning out. If you don't want to go home - that's a major indication. At some point you're going to have to explain to your mom, that if she wants to stay with you, you have to do certain things to protect/take care of yourself. And that may mean bringing in an outside caregiver to give yourself a break.
I agree with the poster who says more than straight up manipulation, its codependence. My parents know they can trust me implicitly, and so - as this has evolved, more and more burdens fall on my shoulders because well - they know I'm "good for it". At first it was just their physical well being, but then financial and everything else got added in - because they just can't manage it themselves anymore and anyway I do "Such a good job".
And its exhausting and frustrating, and the last thing I want to think about when I'm at work is that I have to go home and balance their checkbook and make sure their premiums are paid and that there's money for the aide or that mom has cash to get a haircut.
But I manage. And, as I said, we're hiring another person so that honestly, - I have to see them *as little as possible*. Because its that "HAVE" to see them that kills me.
I don't mind going in to say Hi, or ask about their day. But the fact that every single day, no matter what, no matter my energy level, my personal situation - I HAVE to take care of them. That's just started to grind me down.
Last week I got an offer to go back to my home town and help a friend clean his house for the weekend. In 4 hours I arranged weekend aide coverage and hopped in my car and drove laughing the whole 200+ miles, because I would be FREEEEEEEEEEEE for 2 days.
So - I totally understand.
And if you really think you're going to help your mom long term (She's still pretty young! This could be a LONG situation) - then you'd better start protecting yourself now.
And in my opinion you do that by making sure your needs are met (need for space, distance, other friendship, whatever...) first - so that you are still sane enough to help her and her needs.
This is why a caregiver forum would be great here. Some of the caregiver only forums, are well - whiny, and one of the reasons I never participate.
Continued good luck toyou - you're certainly not the only person facing this (not that that matters to your state of mind) and you will SURVIVE this, and possibly even come out stronger and certainly more empathetic. But you HAVE to protect yourself.
Last week I got an offer to go back to my home town and help a friend clean his house for the weekend. In 4 hours I arranged weekend aide coverage and hopped in my car and drove laughing the whole 200+ miles, because I would be FREEEEEEEEEEEE for 2 days.
So - I totally understand.
You know things are bad if the thought of driving 200 miles to clean someone else's house sounds like a vacation!
My heart goes out to you. I lived across the street from my mom and assumed more and more care of her after my father died. I had a POA and did all her business and that DOES become exhausting. I also cooked for her and took her to doctor visits, etc.
She now has advanced dementia and receives nursing home level care in a private residential setting. It's a wonderful set-up, as long as her money lasts. Then I'll either be looking at putting her in a nursing home, or moving her to my house and having someone there when I'm at work. Tough decisions...
Just wanted to add one more thing. Nursing homes are not necessarily the hell-holes they used to be. There is a government website--medicare.gov, I think, where they list the scores that nursing homes receive at their periodic inspections so you can see patient/care giver ratios and whether they were cited for anything unsafe. Also, if you visit every day, or several times a week, you can make sure that your elderly loved one is being treated well.
A co-worker's father died last week and he had been in a nursing home for 4 years (after she had tried to take care of him every way she could think of). She tried to see him every 2-3 days. The whole time she was commenting about the high level of care he was receiving. He was always clean and the staff made sure he was eating. During his last days staff that weren't even on duty were going to the home to check on him and the family because they had developed real bonds. So if you're loved one needs that level of care and you do some research, you can probably find a good place where you can rest easy that he/she is getting good care.
The entire train ride home I was fighting so hard not to cry...... I just don't get to talk about this stuff much.
You have no idea how much I feel for you. Please feel free to rant here.
But I hope you look into support groups. Or talking to a professional one on one. You HAVE to get it out or your own physical and mental health will decline. A support group would give you a chance to be around other care givers who know EXACTLY what you are going through.
There's a special burden when you are taking care of someone you love. I really hope you think about joining a group.
My heart and love go out to you dear. You are so young and it not God will for your mother be in this conditition . God want you to have a life and enjoy it with your mom and your own family. God healed me when I was right down to the bed and my kids was really young(11yrs old & 19 yrs old). I know God want to heal your mother too . Do you and your mother go church or saved. You need first get your mother to a church who believer in Father (God), Son (Jesus) and Holy Spirit. To pray over your mother and the whole family. Speak these healing scriptures over your mother 3x a day .
Isaiah 53: 4-5 Surely He has borne our griefs And carried our sorrows; Yet we esteemed Him stricken,Smitten by God, and afflicted. But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; The chastisement for our peace was upon Him, And by His stripes we are healed
I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD."
He (Jesus) welcomed them (the crowds) and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing." (Luke 9:11b) Isaiah 58:8 Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily,And your righteousness shall go before you;The glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.
This reminds me of my grandfather who suffered a stroke in his 60's. The entire family lived near town and chipped in but grandma was the primary caretaker because she lived with grandpa.
Anyways, people felt bad because my grandfather was a cripple after his stroke, yet it was grandma who worked nonstop to make sure he was well taken care of. One a rare excursion, my grandmother was to see her extended family for the first time in many years (and perhaps the last time to see her elderly brother), grandfather kept insisting that he didn't want grandmother to "leave him overnight". Everyone thought grandfather was being selfish but my grandmother decided to only stay for a day and then left shortly after. My mom and aunt were upset that grandfather was so selfish.
The thing is, caretaking is exhausting work. We traditionally focused on the ill person because it's obvious they're suffering. However, the caretakers often suffer as well, and can become depressed, burned out and even abusive after many years of care. And since the ill person is dependent on the caretaker, they can become manipulative and refuse to acknowledge their caretaker's life independent of theirs....maybe it means admitting the restrictions in their own life, to see someone else go out and enjoy theirs'.
Anyways, the OP should seek out respite care at the least. I know that Medicare offers something like that. Longterm.... definitely assisted living. Also, maybe consult a lawyer about forcing the siblings to chip in on care...? Not sure how that works actually. However, the OP sounds close to burned out. I recommend moving mom out to a nursing place, or hiring someone to come in to care for mom so that the OP can get respite, have his/her own life etc. If mom balks, the OP should gently remind mom that the respite care/nurses are for the CARETAKER, and that mom is being ultimately selfish by wanting to put her own needs *constantly* ahead of her child's.
Sometimes, it just takes such blunt talk to wake people up from their self absorbed world (not implying that the OP's mom is self-absorbed...). Anyways, hope that helps.
I have a similar situation, my Mom can't afford her home, or her cat rescue activities. She does not have a full time job, she does not get social security, she gets a small pension. Things are always happening with her home, this month it is that the furnace does not work, and needs to be replaced, it is over 30 years old. So, do I pay for a new one? She can't afford one. Do I keep enabling her to stay in her home? I also am helping out my daughter with college expenses, even with a full scholarship, there are expenses...meanwhile, I make a good salary, and barely make ends meet, between supporting my Mother and my Daughter...
no, I don't want to live with my Mother. It would career suicide to move to her state. I have an excellent job, that I need to keep. If I was married, maybe I could continue this juggling...but single...it is a crunch.
Been lurking for awhile, first post- this seemed the best place for it.
I am an adult child (31 years old) of a parent with complicated medical problems. Since I was 12, I've been her primary caretaker. Some of her problems involve memory loss and mood disorders.
I have 5 siblings, but only one of them is of any help, and he lives across the country. The others have never even come to see while she was in the hospital.
I live at home to take care of her- on a good day she can feed herself, do laundry, etc., but she has many more bad days than good. I take her to her doctors' appointments (actually go in and speak to the doctor- she can't remember her symptoms or answer questions). We can't afford any kind of nurse, and she would throw a fit at the idea of one- she used to be very active and independent, and she's still clinging to that.
I used to say I would have plenty of time to be independent "later", but I'm realizing now that later is a long way off. I used to cope really well, but lately I've been tired and kind of depressed. I took a week off work to work on my own project- and she had a minor accident that week and created so much drama that I didn't get to do one thing for myself. It was some kind of tipping point, and since then I just feel crushed down.
Don't get my wrong- I love my mom!! She's a great lady. I'm just TIRED. Anyone else been in this position or have any suggestions? Or can even just relate to being a primary caretaker of an aging parent? It's like I'm parenting HER.
You are too young and you need relief and time for self care...
you need to reach out to your sibs or go to the county and ask for relief...I realize she may be resistant..but if it is in home care and you state she is a friend and is there to help while you are working or doing things and stick around for the first 3 months in order for the worker to establish a rapport it just might work...
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