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How do you deal with a spouse that is religious but you aren't? My problem is. I am in North Carolina right now until next month. My wife is in West Va with our kids and she has started taking them to church. I don't like it and I have told her that I told her before we had kids I wanted our kids to make their own minds up regarding religion and told her when I get there she can attend church but I will keep the kids at home. She doesn't think they are being brainwashed into believing christianity but I know better. I was forced to go to church until I was 14. She says they are just drawing pictures etc....and the kids can make their minds up later in life....how do I deal with this? I don't want to start a fight and I respect her views on religion and I thought we were at agreement the kids would not be forced to go to church but would be allowed to make their own minds up when they were old enough. She says she gets tired of staying in the house all day so she goes to church.
That's pretty rough. These issues are rarely resolvable between spouses. I'm actually surprised that you both got married considering how ingrained, personal and important these issues are to people. It's often a deal-breaker for many in the early stages of dating, but I guess that speaks to the power of your love for each other.
Take heart in knowing that your kids are more than likely to be atheists by having you as a good example of an atheist father. Let's face it, giving up Sunday mornings on a regular basis is not something children want to do naturally, so tell them you're going to see a good movie and we'll see how long they want to continue to learn about talking snakes and virgin births. Good luck.
(By the way, your screen name is my all-time favorite song... ever.... )
I would suggest you ease up and insist only that the kids go to church voluntarily. This doesn't mean your wife can't make the offer, only that there is no judgment or other manipulation if they don't.
I was a theist when I raised my kids, even to the point of homeschooling them with a Christian-approved curriculum, but they are both atheists now. My first wife is no longer in the picture, and my current wife was a lifelong atheist. With HER two kids, she made it clear from the start that they were free to explore religion if they wished. Her son had no interest and is an atheist now as an adult. Her daughter was quite fascinated and regularly attended a Presbyterian church through high school and her mother sporadically even attended with her to be supportive of her interest. However her daughter decided naturally on her own about her sophomore year in high school that she did not believe in god. She is very social though and continued attending church for a combination of social reasons and because her biological father attend the same church. She went so far as to "graduate" from that church's ... catechism class or whatever they call it ... it was presented to the kids as an open inquiry into religious matters where they could draw their own conclusion and she scandalized them by giving her graduation speech about why she had concluded that god did not exist. She just shrugged and said, "you told me I was free to draw my own conclusions".
So ... as with all things involving raising kids, if you haven't figured it out already, if you think you are going to control outcomes by controlling their lives you have another thing coming. Their peers and teachers at school already have more practical influence over them than you do anyway. Nature trumps nurture in most cases, too, IMO. Let it be what it's going to be. Your contribution is not to insulate them from the Real World, including religion; it's just to be a steady example and let them make up their own minds. Even if they go the theism route to some degree, that's their choice, not yours, and you are apt to influence them to at least take it less seriously and to not be insular. And if not -- well, it's their life, not yours. It doesn't have to be a point of contention unless you (or they) choose to make it one.
So you are only in another state away for another month? I'm not sure how old your kids are, but it seems from what I'm reading, your wife needs to take them with her when she attends church. So its not so much a "force religion" on them as it is a need for them to be supervised? Sounds like she is putting them in Sunday school (hence the drawing?)
Its just my opinion, but maybe you compromise this month, while you are away, so that she can go as she desires, and not feel worried about what to do with the kids. Its only a month, and doubtful anything harmful would be vest upon them there. Unless your kids are going kicking and screaming, it might be good to just let her take them so she can attend herself. Then when you return, you can stay home with them while she attends?
How do you deal with a spouse that is religious but you aren't? My problem is. I am in North Carolina right now until next month. My wife is in West Va with our kids and she has started taking them to church. I don't like it and I have told her that I told her before we had kids I wanted our kids to make their own minds up regarding religion and told her when I get there she can attend church but I will keep the kids at home. She doesn't think they are being brainwashed into believing christianity but I know better. I was forced to go to church until I was 14. She says they are just drawing pictures etc....and the kids can make their minds up later in life....how do I deal with this? I don't want to start a fight and I respect her views on religion and I thought we were at agreement the kids would not be forced to go to church but would be allowed to make their own minds up when they were old enough. She says she gets tired of staying in the house all day so she goes to church.
I think you are worrying unnecessarily. You went to church and you were not 'brainwashed' were you? In the end you made the right choice. Actually I don't think its a problem your kids going to church. Christianity as well as other religions have been a huge part of life for the last 2000 years. Just think of it as a way learning about history and how people used to see things, in the same way as you would teach them that people used to think that the earth was flat. I actually think that its as important to learn about religion as it is to learn about any other part of life. A vast proportion of the world are believers. I personally think it is very important to learn tolerance for others beliefs, including Christianity and its easier to do that when you have knowledge of others points of view. The last thing you want is for your kids to grow up ignorant. How are your kids going to be able to make their own minds up about religion if they know nothing about it? Just do the right thing and make sure they learn about all the important stuff: science, nature, evolution, etc etc. Let them know you are atheist if you feel strongly about it but that you respect their mothers beliefs also. That's a great lesson in tolerance and understanding to teach your kids.
My kids actually went to Catholic elementary school for a few years for no other reason than it was the best school in the district and walking distance from my house. Even given that early exposure, my son at the age of seven announced he didn't believe in god. My two girls are younger and as yet have not stated a view on this. They are all very interested in science however.
With your influence they will probably make the right choice. Even if they choose religion that is not necessarily a bad thing. Your wife is religious and you respect her point of view so why would it be any different to respect your kids if they ended up the same?
My brother-in-law is atheist while his wife is Catholic. They have three grown up kids that all attended church. I always wondered how they managed but they seem to get along fine. I have never spoken to their kids about their religious views but they are all bright kids and I'm willing to bet none of them have much time for religion nowadays.
So you are only in another state away for another month? I'm not sure how old your kids are, but it seems from what I'm reading, your wife needs to take them with her when she attends church. So its not so much a "force religion" on them as it is a need for them to be supervised? Sounds like she is putting them in Sunday school (hence the drawing?)
Its just my opinion, but maybe you compromise this month, while you are away, so that she can go as she desires, and not feel worried about what to do with the kids. Its only a month, and doubtful anything harmful would be vest upon them there. Unless your kids are going kicking and screaming, it might be good to just let her take them so she can attend herself. Then when you return, you can stay home with them while she attends?
Yes. My kids are 6,4 and 9 months. I guess I am over reacting some and yes its sunday school. She also went this past Wednesday to church. She has our vehicle but she has no money right now other than what I can send her and she is stuck at her friends home with 2 of the kids all day.Says she just wants to get out and enjoy herself some.
I am Atheist and my wife is Catholic but stopped going to church. She taught them about the Christian religion.
I say let her take the kids to church, as long as she is not a real hard line bible banger. If she was, I guess she would have never married you.
Some religious education will not hurt your kids. They may want to accept religion, as mine have done, or they may choose to reject it. Either way, I hape your kids turn out as well as ours (39 and 34) have.
If she wants to get out, can't she go to the library or a park or something? Those are free.
With that said, whether or not I would be upset would depend on the type of church.... one of those fire and brimstone, everyone is inherently bad types... no way. But one of those more liberal happy Kumbaya types... not a huge deal to me. At this point they are still young enough to be in the pretend stage. Once they get a little older older and start questioning things (like whether or not the tooth fairy and Santa are real) is the time to introduce how illogical it is to believe in a god.
I have the opposite situation at the moment. Right now I'm dealing with a 6 year old who keeps insisting there is a god and that he speaks to her and that I can't tell her what to believe and that I should take her to church so she won't burn in hell. She used to be so sensible, but now I can't reason with her (and of course she won't tell me which "friend" from school she is getting this garbage from)
You say that you want your children to make their own choice, but it seems like you also want to limit their exposure to Christianity. I think you're being a bit disingenuous. It sounds like you're actually attempting to stack the deck in your favor. Allow your kids to learn about Christianity, while you also teach them about alternative views. Then, when they're older they can truly make informed decisions.
Right now I'm dealing with a 6 year old who keeps insisting there is a god and that he speaks to her and that I can't tell her what to believe and that I should take her to church so she won't burn in hell. She used to be so sensible, but now I can't reason with her (and of course she won't tell me which "friend" from school she is getting this garbage from)
Tell her she will not burn in any kind of a hell. If she refuses to listen to you, that's her problem.
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