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There is more to think about than weddings & babies...but this is a wedding forum AND since we're planning a super big wedding....that may get canceled cause of Covid....it is what I think about...a lot! It's why I'm in the wedding forum....you?
OK, but being married is very different from planning a wedding, and deciding whether you are going to change your last name has implications beyond just figuring out what you tell the other nurses in the practice.
I'm in the wedding forum because I post in several different subforums here. I'm not married either, I like helping people solve problems, and I may get remarried myself someday.
But my reasons can't be your reasons. You have to figure out the reasons that matter most to you and him.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle
I'm in the wedding forum because I post in several different subforums here. I'm not married either, I like helping people solve problems, and I may get remarried myself someday.
But my reasons can't be your reasons. You have to figure out the reasons that matter most to you and him.
Thank you.....ofc.....I am just talking about the subject because I haven't decided & I thought it would be super fun to get opinions & talk about it with other recent brides or brides to be. The subject came up at work yesterday......& another wedding site I'm on. I'm not looking for anybody to give me the "right" answer or solve it like it's a problem tho........shrugs.
But then I would not suggest you not marry either.
A piece of paper is not a commitment, it is a legal mess that simply makes it difficult and expensive to unwind your lives in the future, which is often the sole reason people stay in marriages (i.e. the effort it takes to get out of them). Couple that with the other tie that binds, children, being absent in this marriage and not only would I say I think the marriage is foolhardy but that taking his name is a needless complication.
The failure rate of second marriages, due to divorce, is notoriously high for various reasons, but going in you know it means both parties failed the commitment test.
As you should have learned from your first failed marriage, commitment does not come from a piece of paper, nor changing your last name, it comes from the iron will to rebuke and reject the other 10s of thousands of other members of the opposite sex you are likely equally compatible with if not more so and your determination to work though challenges.
Since you indicated that your reason for marriage is about commitment and as demonstrated by your own life, commitment is clearly not about the piece of paper, then a name change is not going to alter the relevance of commitment.
But you asked, should you take his name, I would say no, retain your own separate identity and finances as you may find that beneficial in the future, moreover it needlessly complicates your professional life. Most of the professional women I know in corporate america are haunted in corporate IT systems by maiden names, and the last name of their first marriage. It is not unusual for me to see a woman with three distinct names in various forms of communication, fer maiden name, the name she took for her first marriage, the name she took in her second marriage.
Reading between the lines, I get idea this is far more about the pomp and spectacle of a wedding than anything else. That is why you are getting the opinions of others in your circle about taking or not taking his name, you have made "the wedding" relevant in your environment. I have no idea what you have planned but most second marriages I have seen are discrete affairs with immediate family. I get the idea this is anything but, but once again that is based on a vibe I am getting and no evidence, and men's intuition is often notoriously wrong. So my apologies if I am wrong.
But to summarize there is no advantage in taking his name, and unwinding it as you likely know is difficult and can complicate any professional life you have, moreover a marriage in absentia of children is a needless complication in the modern world in which we live.
However I do wish you much happiness and success in your pending marriage.
Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 07-08-2020 at 04:31 PM..
Reason: duplicate word
Thank you.....ofc.....I am just talking about the subject because I haven't decided & I thought it would be super fun to get opinions & talk about it with other recent brides or brides to be. The subject came up at work yesterday......& another wedding site I'm on. I'm not looking for anybody to give me the "right" answer or solve it like it's a problem tho........shrugs.
To me, the most important considerations are WHY you're marrying him and what you want the gestures, symbols and ceremony you're planning to mean.
Advice like "don't change it because it will be harder to change back in the future" isn't really accurate. It was way harder to get my ex's name off my car title because it involved a trip to the county clerk's office. IMHO, the short-term hassle of changing the name would be nothing compared to the daily hassle of explaining to people that you're not Mrs. SoandSo but actually Ms. Posh.
It's easy to get caught up during the wedding planning time when so many people are asking you questions and forget that the lifelong and everyday stuff matters more.
And unfortunately it's really not that fun to talk about.
Location: As of 2022….back to SoCal. OC this time!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostOfAndrewJackson
But to summarize there is no advantage in taking his name, and unwinding it as you likely know is difficult and can complicate any professional life you have, moreover a marriage in absentia of children is a needless complication in the modern world in which we live.
However I do wish you much happiness and success in your pending marriage.
Ita there isn't an advantage to taking his name.......just emotionally IMO. BUT...I do really like what Kelly Ripa did. It's not going to complicate my professional life if I do or don't tho.....I work part time for a plastic surgeon grp. I'm sad for you that you feel love & marriage is a needless complication without children......thank you tho.
I'm sad for you that you feel love & marriage is a needless complication without children......thank you tho.
Not to side track, but for the sake of clarity that is not how I feel. I do not see love as a needless complication, I do see marriage in the absentia of children a needless complication.
I do hold to the old fashioned view that marriage is primarily about providing a relatively stable environment for the benefit of the children that are a product of the union. And in that context I am huge proponent of marriage. But as indicated that is a very old fashioned idea, especially in a country that has so denigrated the institution.
So in summary, pro-love, pro-commitment, and very pro-marriage when it involves children.
All the best to you and yours.
Last edited by GhostOfAndrewJackson; 07-08-2020 at 06:03 PM..
took my husband's last name and he seemed pleased about that. However, it is difficult to spell, often mis-pronounced and people assume I have an ethnic background based on the name.
I had to chuckle as this reminded me of the classic Seinfeld episode where Jerry went out with Donna Chang thinking she was Chinese (they met over the phone). He was disappointed when they met in person and she was a blond girl from Long Island.
Tasha I would take his name. I took my husband’s name. Interestingly 3 of the married women at our wedding used their maiden names and all of them had the same first name which was not that common of a name. I thought that was interesting.
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IMHO, the short-term hassle of changing the name would be nothing compared to the daily hassle of explaining to people that you're not Mrs. SoandSo but actually Ms. Posh. 
