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Stay out of it. She is an adult, making her own decisions.
It is nice you help her, do it if you want to help, but not out of any expectations.
Everyone around my MIL thought we were all POS's. "how can they leave her alone?!!!!"
So they helped out, and she treated them like poop, and then they understood and stopped speaking to her.
She fired all the Medicare aids because they were minorities, then told us she needed $350 a month to have someone help her. Big nope.
It's not your business, your opinions on the situation really have no value.
I may be confusing posters, but are the person who has quite a few posts/threads about you helping other people and there being problems?
Absolutely agree with this. Stripping someone of their autonomy based on what we think best isn’t always the best. Helping is one thing, judging and imposing is another.
My parents wisely sold their home and moved into an apartment in their senior years. I have downsized to a condo so I don’t have to worry about dealing with home and yard maintenance. I really don’t understand people clinging to their big houses in their later years. I do understand not wanting to move to a different city if you still have friends and still drive. Those 2 things can be difficult in your senior years in a new city.
Clinging! There are many dynamics to consider that may not be obvious to us geographically, economically, socially etc.
We have looked at townhomes in our area and nothing beats the glorious view we have from our house or the joy of hosting our 4 grandchildren every Sunday. Condo for us for so many reasons is a big big no.
Clinging! There are many dynamics to consider that may not be obvious to us geographically, economically, socially etc.
We have looked at townhomes in our area and nothing beats the glorious view we have from our house or the joy of hosting our 4 grandchildren every Sunday. Condo for us for so many reasons is a big big no.
I probably should have said “ clinging to big houses if they can’t take care of it themselves or afford to hire all the work done.” My point was not to be a burden to others.
Ability in old age varies widely. I worry about my neighbor, but I don't get involved because she would not appreciate it. She is 90, has one eye, uses a walker or two canes to walk out to the mailbox, has a little dog that she takes out a few times a day, she still drives. She is mentally sharp. She has a nice home. She has a relative stay with her occasionally but only a couple days at a time. She has sort of a complaining disposition that makes her hard to be around a lot. She manages her own affairs. She has home repair or yard maintenance people show up when she needs them. She has grown kids living in the area, but they are seldom seen. We had a "friendship" gate connecting the two yards, but the kids put a lock on it when their dad died. She has been on her own for ten+ years and I think she might outlive me at this point.
My parents wisely sold their home and moved into an apartment in their senior years. I have downsized to a condo so I don’t have to worry about dealing with home and yard maintenance. I really don’t understand people clinging to their big houses in their later years. I do understand not wanting to move to a different city if you still have friends and still drive. Those 2 things can be difficult in your senior years in a new city.
When I read the OP's first post, I thought that neighbor could have been me, for the past 10 years living alone on 15 acres far from family. Except that seven months ago I realized I had reached my limit, sold the big house, and now live comfortably in an apartment near family.
Not everyone is comfortable doing that, but I was quite relieved to discover just how good a choice it was ( for me ). Now at 76 I am still independent and not a burden to anyone, but when the next stage comes it will be easier to adapt, to minimize the burden on family.
I probably should have said “ clinging to big houses if they can’t take care of it themselves or afford to hire all the work done.” My point was not to be a burden to others.
Basically, you are enabling her son not to have to do anything, because "the neighbors across the street are taking care of her."
This. Sometimes the best thing to do about a unsafe, leaky boat is to let it sink. If her situation really is bordering on untenable, don't keep postponing the inevitable. That will force both of them to face reality that much sooner when they still might have options. If you keep getting deeper and deeper in that family's business, you could end up facing accusations of meddling where you don't belong. There goes your friendship!
well said.. amazing the number of people who want to push the elderly into apartsments etc instead of helping them live where they are comfortable. If she has the money to hire people to mow the lawn, maintenance, help laundry etc, maybe what she needs is someone to reccommend honest people to hire. They are few and far between.
No one is trying to push people into anything. Some people like my parents and myself are realistic and take action as not to be a burden to our children. If someone can afford to hire everything out that’s fine too. What’s not fine is becoming more and more of a burden to kids and friends. Helping people occasionally can turn into a full time job if you’re not careful.
Half the people in my 150 condo complex are seniors that got tired of their homes. I would never call social services on someone unless they had dementia and couldn’t take care of themselves. Anyone else that’s sound of mind is allowed to live unsafely if they want to which I agree with 100%.
A problem is when you get too involved there may be a time when you need (or want) to back off. It has happened with people I know.
The reaction can sometimes be unexpectedly negative, as if you are the one letting them down. One comment was actually, “”Well, what are we going to do now?”. You can start by dropping one or two jobs, such as removing snow. raking leaves, or whatever you choose. A simple statement with a smile that you were happy to help but are no longer able to do those jobs.
My family member’s husband dropped dead of a heart attack shoveling his neighbor’s driveway after doing his own plus both of their sidewalks. It’s something I have never forgotten.
Shamrock, that’s exactly what happened to my husband and I over a two year period. Plus we had to drive 20 minutes each way to help our friends and it ended up eventually being a few times a day. It was ruining our retirement.
It came to a head when we had a 3 week cruise booked. I found the wife a memory care facility because she had dementia and her husband had to move in with his son because he was dying from cancer. He ended up being mad at us. People go from being grateful to expecting you to do everything.
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