Aged neighbor insists on independence but needs assistance.....
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Your neighbor sounds like my mom. She has lived alone in the big family home on 2 acres for years since dad died and none of us live close. She's 86. She won't move because all her neighbors take care of things. She jokes and calls them her team. They trim bushes, mow her yard, cut up and haul away trees that fall, bring her garbage cans back, check on her, etc.
We all work and live in different states. We've all offered to move her in with us. We can't drive or fly every month to take care of things.
The only time she seriously considered moving was when her main guy next door had serious health issues.
We don't want her there alone. We've told her no ifs, ands or buts, when the guy next door is no longer able to help, she's moving and she agrees with that.
We know everyone loves our mom but her neighbors are enabling her to stay alone and far away from all of us who love her.
My parents wisely sold their home and moved into an apartment in their senior years. I have downsized to a condo so I don’t have to worry about dealing with home and yard maintenance. I really don’t understand people clinging to their big houses in their later years. I do understand not wanting to move to a different city if you still have friends and still drive. Those 2 things can be difficult in your senior years in a new city.
My parents wisely sold their home and moved into an apartment in their senior years. I have downsized to a condo so I don’t have to worry about dealing with home and yard maintenance. I really don’t understand people clinging to their big houses in their later years. I do understand not wanting to move to a different city if you still have friends and still drive. Those 2 things can be difficult in your senior years in a new city.
I don't see any reason why she should move. She has some mobility issues but otherwise seems to do fine in her one story house. She obviously has neighbors that look in on her. She can stop driving anytime if she wants to and have food delivered. Her son is only 40 miles away which is not all that far. There's no mention of her having memory or mental aging issues. Why would anyone push her to move elsewhere when she doesn't want to? She can afford to hire someone to do her yard work if she chooses not to rely on her neighbor to do this for free.
If she needs some help around the house, it sounds like she can well afford to hire someone even once a week to come over and help her for a day.
Why would your neighbor pay someone to do these things for her, when you do them for free? She probably tells her son the same thing....my neighbor does it for me. But if it makes you feel good....then contuine to help her.
I don't see any reason why she should move. She has some mobility issues but otherwise seems to do fine in her one story house. She obviously has neighbors that look in on her. She can stop driving anytime if she wants to and have food delivered. Her son is only 40 miles away which is not all that far. There's no mention of her having memory or mental aging issues. Why would anyone push her to move elsewhere when she doesn't want to? She can afford to hire someone to do her yard work if she chooses not to rely on her neighbor to do this for free.
If she needs some help around the house, it sounds like she can well afford to hire someone even once a week to come over and help her for a day.
What you say makes sense. That may be the issue. Mrs Neighbor may not see it that way.
My advice would be for the OP to continue to be "available" but to let her continue to live her life as she chooses.
If she needs help -- IF she is capable of doing so, meaning that she is not severely affected by dementia -- she will ask for it. If not, that is a different situation.
I acknowledge that the OP is a caring person, but the last thing I would want if my husband dies before I do is to call Social Services and have them interfere with my life.
Stay out of it. She is an adult, making her own decisions.
Everyone around my MIL thought we were all POS's. "how can they leave her alone?!!!!"
This is my exact advice...and mimics my experience too.
You never truly know another family's story.
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Originally Posted by marino760
I agree with this. You really have no idea what her family dynamics are.
You said she will leave a sizable inheritance for her son. She needs to use some of that now to help her with things she has trouble doing for herself. For goodness sake, she's in her 80s and won't be taking any money with her to the grave. If she's too cheap to hire some help once in a while, that's her own doing.
Agreed. Repeating myself, but...you are correct...you never know what the real family dynamics are.
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Originally Posted by Serious Conversation
There may be very good reasons why the son doesn't have much to do with the mom.
Yes again!
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG
Your neighbor sounds like my mom. She has lived alone in the big family home on 2 acres for years since dad died and none of us live close.
We all work and live in different states. We've all offered to move her in with us. We can't drive or fly every month to take care of things.
But it's her choice and we understand that too.
I couldn't agree more. Living away from your parents is not a crime. It happens.
I don't see any reason why she should move. She has some mobility issues but otherwise seems to do fine in her one story house. She obviously has neighbors that look in on her. She can stop driving anytime if she wants to and have food delivered. Her son is only 40 miles away which is not all that far. There's no mention of her having memory or mental aging issues. Why would anyone push her to move elsewhere when she doesn't want to? She can afford to hire someone to do her yard work if she chooses not to rely on her neighbor to do this for free.
If she needs some help around the house, it sounds like she can well afford to hire someone even once a week to come over and help her for a day.
well said.. amazing the number of people who want to push the elderly into apartsments etc instead of helping them live where they are comfortable. If she has the money to hire people to mow the lawn, maintenance, help laundry etc, maybe what she needs is someone to reccommend honest people to hire. They are few and far between.
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