Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My wife's small family (her two daughters, 3 grandchildren and 1 great grand) is all in NorCal and over the last six years I flew her back occasionally and paid for a daughter and two grandchildren to come here for a time.
....
Sadly, my wife feels the need to be where her family is so Sunday she's returning to NorCal with the intent to live out her days there.
....
That being said, I don't think we're alone in being impacted by changes in our lives. After all, isn't it what happens when you've made other plans?
....
Changes often come unforeseen and unanticipated and we can only do the best we can when it comes to planning
Curmudgeon,
I had shared the sad story of my PIL's retirement life in another post. I can certainly see some similarities between my MIL's situation and your wife's. From what I have observed, being closed to children & grand children is typically a lot more important for women than men. This may become a paramount factor when an older woman is coping with health issues.
Yes, we are all impacted by changes not only in our lives but in the lives of people who are dear to our heart.
For our situation, as of late last year, we had firmed up our relocation plan of moving to western Washington for a number of reasons (better tax situation, escape from severe NE winter, being within half-a-day visiting distance to our daughter). We made an offer on an amazing property in Port Townsend, WA. The deal did not go through so we were having a second look at the outskirts of Vancouver, WA.
My daughter sadly informed us early this year that she broke up with her fiancee for good (they had many things in common but the personality differences were too great). She is also thinking of moving to a different state. So we are now putting our relocation plan on hold waiting for her decision. I asked her whether she would consider living with us and got an enthusiastic yes. I would love to have our wonderful daughter to live with us for a while or as long as she wants.
We are fully aware that she has her own life to live. This was why we wanted to relocate close but not right next door to her when we thought that she would be married and settled down for good in Idaho. We would love to see her married, have kids etc. but it's her decision. We will try our best to be a part of her life and how much is up to her.
We had made a list of criteria for relocation ranking in the order of importance. Being close to our daughter is always on the top of the list. Climate is the second important factor. We prefer a lush environment but our daughter can not tolerate humidity, mold etc. so we may still end up being in the West but maybe more to the east and south than the northwestern part.
You are again absolutely right in stating that "Changes often come unforeseen and unanticipated and we can only do the best we can when it comes to planning".
Curmudgeon: I just want to offer my sympathy to you in your wife's decision to relocate without you. You are so right about how life goes and the need to leave some wiggle room. Sounds like you are at peace with her decision and I wish you a good "new" life.
I would say I would have to give careful thought has to having a adult child live back at home again. Its not like living with one who is not emancipated and can have effects on relationship on both sides.It also can have ability to live independently effect on adult child in end. Because of need that is one thing but just to try to get back to that parent adult relationship; no. We encourage our child once a adult to go out into the world for more than just wanting to rid ourselves of responsibility but for their gaining the same. What we want is often is not what is best. Empty nest is a well recognized problem for some women who raise children.
One thing that complicates matters is the preferences of the husband and wife may be different. For instance, I prefer a big city while my wife prefers the country (she likes where you retired but I would hate it). Then we have 3 kids who right now are spread out in 3 locations...so when grandkids come....?
One thing is that we both prefer warmer and low humidity area...say Phoenix but that puts us far from our son in Seattle area. So for us, it's not an easy choice.
Curmudgeon: I just want to offer my sympathy to you in your wife's decision to relocate without you. You are so right about how life goes and the need to leave some wiggle room. Sounds like you are at peace with her decision and I wish you a good "new" life.
I'd like to second this. I heard a very similar story from a golf friend. He retired to Florida and made friends on the golf course with a man from Erie, PA. He and his wife were down there for a few years, he loved it but she hated it. He had his golf buddies, she sat home because it was too hot outside. And of course she missed her kids and grandkids.
So one day she walks in the room and said "I don't know what you're doing but I'm moving back to Erie". My initial thought was how horrible it was for the husband. But then I realized that you can't blame the wife. She tried Florida, hated it, and had no intentions of living out her life in misery and without her kids and grandkids.
Just a very sad situation all the way around when this happens.
I'd like to second this. I heard a very similar story from a golf friend. He retired to Florida and made friends on the golf course with a man from Erie, PA. He and his wife were down there for a few years, he loved it but she hated it. He had his golf buddies, she sat home because it was too hot outside. And of course she missed her kids and grandkids.
So one day she walks in the room and said "I don't know what you're doing but I'm moving back to Erie". My initial thought was how horrible it was for the husband. But then I realized that you can't blame the wife. She tried Florida, hated it, and had no intentions of living out her life in misery and without her kids and grandkids.
Just a very sad situation all the way around when this happens.
Agree with you DaveinMtAiry. There are always two sides to a story. You make a great point.
Curmudgeon, I am so sorry that your wife has chosen to relocate without you. I have followed your story here on CD for several years, and know how happy you have been in your new location, mostly I'm sure because you had your wife to share it with you.
I hope all goes well for you, and that you somehow find peace in the midst of this new life changing adjustment.
Curmudgeon -- sorry to hear your news. I know you are happy there in the Ozarks and it is a special kind of place. When I lived in Missouri there were some outstanding natural places that I will always remember. Time stands still when you are on one of those streams. That being said...I guess family connections carry a lot of weight.
Family ties are sweet but they can keep you from moving where you want. I retired early but we had commitments. Some years ago my wife and I decided to downsize and -- as long as we were doing that -- move some place where we wanted to live. We both have small families and they were scattering everywhere. We had spent several years with parents in nursing homes and a daughter growing up so moving wasn't an option. Once grown, our daughter had no intention of staying in our little town and our closest relatives were 150 miles away (and the highway only works in one direction) so we decided to move where we wanted. We looked at Grand Junction and Colorado's western slope but my wife had reservations. I always liked New Mexico from the first time I saw it at about age 10 so we shifted our search to Albuquerque and found a place we liked. The four-season climate, low cost of living and blend of cultures was appealing.
Unfortunately, my wife died soon after we made the decision to move. After some time of being befuddled and lost in a fog I decided to follow through and move to New Mexico alone. It took a long time. I now live in the northern reaches of Rio Rancho, 15 miles northwest of ABQ, with one close neighbor and a few more not too far away...but none are on top of me. The night sky is stunning. Santa Fe is 45 minutes away. I'm ankle deep in quail and rabbits. I am in love with the desert. I can be in Albuquerque in about 20 minutes. My daughter moved here and has a good job on her own and enjoys the place. Now I have relatives coming to visit. They wouldn't drive 150 miles before but they will drive 1,000 miles now so I see them as much or more than before. It's funny how things work out.
You are again absolutely right in stating that "Changes often come unforeseen and unanticipated and we can only do the best we can when it comes to planning".
Not only that but at times, unbidden as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NYgal2NC
Agree with you DaveinMtAiry. There are always two sides to a story. You make a great point.
Actually, as regards relationships there are usually three. There's his. There's hers and then there's the truth which usually lies somewhere in the middle.
Perhaps this will serve as a cautionary tale for those of you who are married and contemplating retirement moves; many of whom have likely been married significantly longer than my wife and me. Be oh so very careful to make sure that the move is something you both truly want, and then make sure again. Be on the alert for signs of change in attitude toward your mutual decision once it's made. If at all possible, be open to accommodating your spouse, and that means both of you.
Last edited by Curmudgeon; 07-17-2015 at 05:50 PM..
Most people fear change and are risk averse. It seems to be far easier to stay where you are, or stick to what you know, than pushing your comfort zone. Also many people seem to think that the retirement destination decision is written in stone - it's made once and lasts for ever.
Also for some weird reason people think that to try something and it doesn't work out is failure. For me success is born out of failure. The more times you experiment and try new things the more times you learn.
One way to assess possible new places to live is to follow the 1 week / 3 week / 3 month method. In the first week you make an initial decision. Then if you think it's worth further analysis spend 3 weeks there immersing yourself in the community (meetups work well) all in preparation for the final 3 month live in assessment.
Even if you find it's not the place for you, you'll have had a fun few months.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
