Retirees who are estranged from their adult children (vacations, moving, friendly)
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I just want to contribute to this thread as yet another parent estranged from an adult child. My adult son (29) will have nothing to do with us (his parents) or his 2 sisters, and only has a relationship with his twin brother. It's a long story of family trials and tribulations involving mistakes I made as a mother, toxic paternal grandparents/family and an emotionally unavailable father. Yes we did family counseling and more. It's been very painful and I've tried to reconnect, but after 2+ years have finally arrived at a place where it hurts less. We see the other kids and grandchildren regularly (We are so much better as grandparents than we ever were as parents) and that helps fill the hole in my heart. Like in_new england, I have a toxic sister who"lives off" my 87 year old mother--who has lied about me and tried to ruin my life----I speak to her, she's 1200 miles away, she can't hurt me now.She "doesn't remember" calling my future mother-in-law and telling her I was no good and her son should dump me. My mother-in-law had Alzheimer's and died last year. I rarely saw her in the final years9before the Alzheimer's)---she was a combination of every bad TV mother-in-law and then quadruple the meanness. I adopted the line from The Desiderato about avoiding people harmful to you, when it came to her. She was even mean to my sons. But my son---he is stuck in a web of grudges and unmet expectations, and blame. And here comes Mother's Day, another stab to the heart.
You know, I'm sorry but I don't think it hurts to lie about things like this -- to people we don't know and who don't know us. When a stranger/new acquaintance asks me how many children I have, I say that I have 2 sons. First of all, it's none of their business. Second, it's none of their business what happened to my daughter. Third, when I did tell the truth -- I would shock them simply by saying my daughter was dead. I would never want to shock them more by saying she committed suicide. And, fourth, I'm entitled to my privacy -- period.
If people come to really care about you and vice versa, I have no doubts that they would understand later. That's been my experience.
And -- it's hard to even write about things like this. I was so surprised yesterday, after Escort Rider had set up the thread as I had asked him to do -- I really didn't want to tell my story at all. Not because I was afraid of being judged -- well, that too -- but primarily because I didn't want to have all those feelings churned up again. If you don't want to 'share' -- I understand completely. No one is going to think of less of you for not doing so. All I wanted to do with this thread was to let people know that estrangement is not a rare occurrence.
And, the bolded has been helpful indeed. What aren't helpful are DM's suggesting I get a hobby, as though taking up knitting will erase the emotional toll of losing a child. Or, suggesting that day care caused it. For the record, my son didn't attend day care.
I would be grateful if the armchair psychologists bowed out.
Just to take it one step further, if you are estanged for whatever the reason, who do you want to make your decisions for you if you can't speak for yourself? We all know it is important to have a will, but make sure that all your directives are up to date. Some people would be better off with friends, or even strangers, than having someone with a hateful agenda making our health care decisions for us. It is an understatement to say that my cousin took out a life time of hate on his mother for the last eleven years of her life after he married a waitress twenty years his junior with a flock of kids to feed.
I'm not trying to tell you not to speak, but this was covered on another thread. (I just can't remember which thread.) To answer your question: You need a will (unless you're penniless) -- wills aren't just for rich people -- and you need an executor, as you said. You also need a Healthcare Directive for when you are seriously ill and heading towards the end (but MDs are notorious for ignoring our wishes at the end). You also need a medical Power of Attorney.
What I hadn't thought of -- that someone else mentioned on the other thread -- we'd better have a good friend who is younger than we are and in good health. :-) And even then that person could get sick and die before we do. So -- my answer is -- I don't have a good answer. I do have a male friend 13 years my senior -- that wasn't real bright of me -- and as of right now, he's still it. But I'm looking around for someone much younger than I am. I just don't know anyone I trust nearly as much as I trust him. Sigh.
Lastly -- and I'm not trying to be flip -- we're going to be dead. What do we really care? If we have a lot of money and we're concerned about the right people getting their fair share -- give it away before we die!
And here comes Mother's Day, another stab to the heart.
For Mother's Day maybe do something really nice for yourself like get a massage or facial. Maybe reach out to a grieving mom with flowers. Mother's Day all over the country is a sad day for many. The only way I can deal with hurts is to give something to somebody. The hurt doesn't go away but it hurts less (for me).
For Mother's Day maybe do something really nice for yourself like get a massage or facial. Maybe reach out to a grieving mom with flowers. Mother's Day all over the country is a sad day for many. The only way I can deal with hurts is to give something to somebody. The hurt doesn't go away but it hurts less (for me).
A very nice idea, NewEnglandGirl. There are so many elderly men and women in nursing homes who won't even get a visit from their families this year -- if they even have families.
See what I mean? Estrangement is unexplainable. What I wrote about above has nothing to do with Mother's Day, it has to do with her insecurities and her desire for control.
See what I mean? Estrangement is unexplainable. What I wrote about above has nothing to do with Mother's Day, it has to do with her insecurities and her desire for control.
I could be very wrong -- but this doesn't sound at all good for your son's future happiness.
It's taken alot of will power for me not to make myself estranged to my mother and sister. It's enough to just see them briefly every other year.
And they think they are flawless flowers in a world where only men do bad things. Neither of them has EVER admitted being wrong about something or apologized for anything big or small, ever. To me they are walking lies, just keeping themselves above all reproach. Racists, provincial housewives, naive, narrow and critical without ever turning it inward.
I hate sending mother's day presents or cards, I feel like a phony.
Some of you are blameless, some were bad parents, but some of you are just bad people.
It's taken alot of will power for me not to make myself estranged to my mother and sister. It's enough to just see them briefly every other year.
And they think they are flawless flowers in a world where only men do bad things. Neither of them has EVER admitted being wrong about something or apologized for anything big or small, ever. To me they are walking lies, just keeping themselves above all reproach. Racists, provincial housewives, naive, narrow and critical without ever turning it inward.
I hate sending mother's day presents or cards, I feel like a phony.
Some of you are blameless, some were bad parents, but some of you are just bad people.
I'm sorry that you are going through this with your mother and sister.
And altho' you are entitled to your opinion, I'm going to ignore you last remark.
Before the women jump down my throat, just remember it's the mothers in Snow White and Cinderella that are the evil doers. The old witch in Hansel and Gretel is a woman. On the other hand, perhaps society has always held us mothers responsible when something goes wrong with the children.
You mean the STEP MOTHERS. It seems like in all Disney movies, the mother is dead leaving the child at the mercy of a wicked step mother or evil witch. Disney films seem to tell children that their mother was the force that keeps them safe and holds back the evil in the world.
MY SIL is estranged from EVERYONE in her family and has been for years. She's estranged from any friends she ever had also. She speaks to me and to my Mom, but that's about it. When my Mom is no longer around, I plan to become estranged from my SIL immediately. Keeping peace in the family for my mother's sake (and years of biting my tongue bloody) are the only reasons I haven't spoken my mind and been added to her no contact list long ago. She's an evil, toxic, self involved person who (thank God) announced years ago that she didn't want children because she was too selfish to put anyone above herself. If she had kids, I'm sure they'd be estranged as well.
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What do we really care? 
If we have a lot of money and we're concerned about the right people getting their fair share -- give it away before we die!
