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I estranged myself from my aunt and uncle who raised me. In fact, my entire family. My mom and dad's side. There isn't one family member I keep in touch with and I want to die that way.
I estranged myself from my aunt and uncle who raised me. In fact, my entire family. My mom and dad's side. There isn't one family member I keep in touch with and I want to die that way.
Posts like yours always make me curious about the reasons you did as you did. The families were abusive in one way or another? Or to use another word with almost the same meaning, toxic? Of course I realize you don't owe me an answer. We all share as much or as little as we feel comfortable sharing. The thing which struck me most about your post, and that I find unusual, is that all the family members were people you were happy to be estranged from.
Posts like yours always make me curious about the reasons you did as you did. The families were abusive in one way or another? Or to use another word with almost the same meaning, toxic? Of course I realize you don't owe me an answer. We all share as much or as little as we feel comfortable sharing. The thing which struck me most about your post, and that I find unusual, is that all the family members were people you were happy to be estranged from.
I really don't feel like sharing it or wanting to. Though I posted in the back of my mind I was hoping no one would ask me. However, you seem to be genuinely curious and were gracious in your request so I will oblige. My story has some length to it. I don't feel like going over it all so I will try summarize it (most likely will be unsuccessful). If you require clarity or just want more info just ask. I'll give you general details and then go into my estrangement with each side.
General: I'm mixed race. My mother is white (amongst other races but for simplicity she is White) and my father is black (amongst other races but for simplicity he is Black). They met when they were both working in the Silicon Valley and eventually after some time in a relationship they got married. Her family didn't approve of this as they are a rich family (old money) descending from French nobility and my dad was from a working class family. They really couldn't be more different it seems. My mom graduated from Stanford University and my dad graduated from San Jose State University. Eventually, I was born and when I was 7 months they both died in a traffic accident. I was later turned over to my aunt and uncle. They raised me before they even had children of their own.
Mom's side: At the meeting to discuss my future, my dad's family thought it would be better for me to be raised by my maternal relatives as I could have a better life due to their wealth. My maternal grandparents kind of led the charge in refusing me because they didn't accept what my mother had done and they won't condone her actions post-mortem. I was 7 months I had no idea what happened or what went on. My paternal grandmother told me all of this.
Anyways, as I grew older into my middle school years they kept sending me letters and calling me. I refused them all and eventually I answered her call on accident. I had no choice but to speak with her and she apologized on behalf of the entire family. She made it clear that I was a part of the family and wanted me to visit them. I declined and I didn't want to talk to her again. That was it from them. I guess I became estranged from them then. Perhaps not as estranged as I thought. My grandma (dad's side) told me that when I moved to France to study and play rugby. They (my mom's side) kept track of me as they had family in that area so during rugby matches for example. Some random Frenchman in the crowd was probably related to me. Creepy but my two grandmothers eventually became the best of friends and they talked about everything together.
Dad's side: I was handed over to my aunt and uncle (dad's brother). They hated each other apparently. A sibling rivalry which was never settled. College boy vs worker bee, Uncle Tom vs Real "OG", clean cut vs rugged. You get the idea. The only thing in common other than the parents was that they were both Black Panthers (I mean the old Black Panthers). Anyway, as a result I was kept at arms length like an outcast. I was treated as another mouth to feed. They wouldn't help me do anything. When I wanted to go on a field trip, they refused to sign the papers. I would find some other adult who pitied me enough to forge their signature. When they started to breed, his kids were put on a pedestal but in such a fashion to make sure I knew my place. Whenever, we moved they made sure to get an extra bedroom for me. Not out of liking me so much but to keep the other kids away from me as they would harass me.
It was those small details. I was responsible for some of it mind you. I always ate in my room. I never wanted to talk to them. There would be weeks gone by where I would get up in the morning and not speak to them. Same when I'm coming back in. Whenever I was dragged along to family functions. Some (not all) family members refuse to refer to my dad by name. My grandparents were really cool with me and really wanted to sit down with me and make sure I learned what happened. From their view but it was pretty unbiased nonetheless.
My aunt convinced my uncle that I needed a car and my uncle gave me his old truck. He would buy his kids later on brand new cars. When I turned 18, I bolted and didn't say a word to them. I let a cousin have my vehicle and I went to college. I didn't get a thing from them nor did I want to. I never seen them by face but I've spoken a very small amount of words over the phone with them. It wasn't abuse or toxicity but I just didn't fit. When you don't fit then you don't fit. It's not a big deal. I have nothing in common with them so why should I not be happy being around them. The only contact I've had so far since then was the random e-mail from one of my cousins. I'm wondering how did they get my contact info though I think my girlfriend has something to do with that. When it comes to locating them.
My paternal grandparents were the only people I gave a damn about. They died and they left me with a box of items of my dad (including photos of my parents together like wedding photos and stuff). The box however has yet to have been located so I've never received them. The only thing that lets me know what my parents looked like is one photo of them with me as a newborn in the middle. That photo is lost somewhere in my house gathering dust. I really don't care about finding it.
That took a while. I knew my summary would be anything but. The tragic part is that it goes even further than that.
I'm a member of this same sad club. Our oldest son is estranged from both my husband and myself, and his brothers, although one brother still has access to his Facebook page.
We were a happy family for 25 years, the trouble started when he became engaged to his wife. She made many, many demands of us during the wedding process, and even called on her honeymoon to demand I not communicate with her bridal party (lovely girls, but they ended up hating the bride by the time it was over). We did everything she asked. The one thing we would not do was spend the holidays with her family, who treated us badly during the wedding. She told them some truly awful lies about us. But, she isn't so much the problem anymore. I don't care if I never speak to her again. And, if we never meet our new grandchild, well, I can't miss what I never had.
What we miss, is our son. And we miss the man he was, one who valued family, who was honest, and who we thought we could depend on. Several months back I asked him if he would be there for his brothers, who are both in school, should anything happen to his father and I. He assured me he would. They don't even speak anymore.
Is there any hope? We have no contact. I've tried to reach out, but got no response. I would love to hear how a family was able to move past and reunite.
Thank each of you that are sharing, I'm sure, very deep hurtful things it is good to know you aren't alone.
I stopped contact with my family over 10 years ago just toxic wouldn't let things be. Always bringing them up at each family function I'm better for having done it. My parents were dead however before I cut off contact with sibs.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up to find that OP had outed me. :-) Which is all right, I guess, because I had outed myself on a different thread last night. :-)
My adult children (2 sons) stopped all contact with me about 13 years ago. (I have a baby granddaughter I've never even seen.) The first two years were full of grief: I missed my boys, and my grandchildren were growing up without me. And then suddenly it just didn't matter very much anymore. So then I felt ashamed that I really didn't care anymore.
I never talked to anyone about it (other than my therapist at the time), because I was too ashamed about the whole thing.
Then seven years ago I retired and moved to NM, which has A LOT of East Coast and West Coast transplant retirees. Joined our great Senior Centers here. Made friends and acquaintances. And slowly but surely I began to realize, as people (mainly women) started to open up, that family estrangement is the new silent epidemic. It is not at all uncommon, but we are not talking about it because we're too ashamed. We don't trust anyone either. If you reveal this to a friend, we think she/he may say, "Oh, I'm so sorry this is happening to you," but may be thinking, "Yeah, right -- what kind of rotten parent were you REALLY?" And deep down inside we're not 100% sure that we were good parents, because, after all, if we were good parents, how could our children not want to be in contact with us, right? Well, most of us probably were good parents -- very good parents -- and since there are no support groups for us, I thought the anonymity of this board might allow some people to speak and to be supported.
The only thing I'm going to ask is that we be kind to each other here. For a lot of people this is very painful. So let's muster up whatever compassion we have or be silent. We can usually say almost anything we want to say with kindness. But we don't always have to 'fix' someone else and their situation either.
And I will tell my story -- when I wake up.
I can only imagine the heartache of being estranged from a beloved child, but I am so sorry you know what it really feels like.
I have not read this thread, so I do not know your "story" as I am posting this ok?
My experience with parents who have been through and are currently going through estrangements from their adult children has taught me that these things don't just "happen".
Not trying to lay any blame at all - just saying, there are always reasons why it happens, even if the parents don't accept or understand the reasons, the kids have a viewpoint that the parents don't share and vice versa. Basically there is just a breakdown of communication in the family.
It is so very sad when kids just cut their parents off rather than sticking around to try to improve communication and gain some understanding.
I think this happens partly because of the "throw away" and "disposable" mentality that has become the norm in American culture.
While I don't know the specifics or your situation Fran, I do know SOMETHING happened in your family to get you guys off track.
My advice would be to be brutally honest with yourself about what this is, and to work hard at taking your ego and any hurt feelings you might have out of the equation.
Then and only then can you be objective enough to try to see the problem from the other side - your kids side. You may have already done this - apologies if you have
Sometimes, all a kid wants, even an adult "kid" is for mom or dad to acknowledge their pain and apologize for the hurt they endured.
And then sometimes, no matter what mom or dad do or say, the kid will dig their heels in and withhold forgiveness. At those times, you just have to not escalate the emotions and walk away hoping one day they'll get to a place where the good memories overtake the anger and soften the hardened heart.
I do hope there will be a reconciliation for your and your family in the near future!
I am a member of an online support group aimed specifically at parents estranged from their (adult) kids.
Mine are teenagers nearly adult and I have been semi-estranged for a couple of years now.
It is very very common. The pain is incredible because people always assume there is a "reason" your kids turned on you.
Yes there usually is a reason - some real or imagined slight from childhood, maybe you didn't get them a car when they turned 18, or they were too tired from raising your a55 and making ends meet to pay much attention to your childish bs - whatever. It's called "life" and today's young adults find it easier to hold grudges and brood than to suck up disappointments and move on, especially if there is a hateful ex whispering in their ears, as in my case.
It is very very painful especially when people look at you sideways. I say "my kids must've remembered me stubbing out my cigs on their head" if someone asks why then judges me...let them think the worst, I don't care.
I was the best mom I could be, a very good loving mom, still am, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. My kids will realise that one day, I just have to wait. It's tough but parenting is like that.
Also, if your kids are 25+, your parenting is done. They are adults and you can't change them, nor should you try. It's a shame when grandchildren are involved but you can always borrow other peoples.
My situation is slightly different but I 'get' it. Although we're not estranged from our grown children, they live 1000+ miles away and call or email maybe 8-12 times a year. This is no reflection on them or us. We were/are good parents, they were/are good people. We gave them wings to fly and they flew. Good for them. If only I had had the courage to do so, back in the day.
It took me a few years to sort this out, and I'm at perfect peace with it but yeah, I lie too sometimes when unelightened folks ask about them. It's easier to do so than to try to enlighten them.
My love for and admiration of my children has nothing to do with if they come home for Thanksgiving or how they cling to me. I'm in awe of the many other attachments they've formed and the contributions they've made to the world in general. The proof in the pudding is in how much they are loved and appreciated and cherished by other people. By that criteria, I succeeded brilliantly as a parent.
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