Being made a fool of . . . all in fun? (God, pastor, sunday)
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And that's the thing, I'm not trying to sing. I don't want to sing anymore. But it's like this girl is doing everything in her power to get me to sing. I mean you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by saying "look, don't ask me anymore." I just think that after a few years if they've not done something by now they probably aren't interested in doing it at all. Stop asking.
Sometimes you have to stop thinking about hurting people's feelings and being truthful. Without being nasty, you can firmly say, "Look, I just don't want to sing, so please stop asking me." There are people out there who are just not going to take hints.
I had to do this once in my church. They needed people, so I volunteered to be on the altar guild, where you set everything up for the priest the night before. In the Episcopal Church, where there's a lot of tradition, this is a process. It's not just a cup and a container for the hosts, but this thinger goes on top of that thinger and this is in between that, and this goes to the right of that, and so forth. Well, some of the long-time ladies on the altar guild would make little remarks because I put the candles too close to the edge or the cloth on the wrong side and blah blah blah and to tell the truth, I really didn't care enough. (And the priest himself would say, "this is just our tradition, but having it set up perfectly is just not important.")
So finally one day a woman approached me and said I should really think about steaming the altar cloth and that there was a steamer in the closet. I said, "Then why don't you go ahead and do that." "Oh no, I have COPD, I can't use the steamer". So I said one day that I was done. I just didn't want to do it anymore, and I said so with no hints or excuses. I'm sure a couple of people didn't like it, but I did other things for the church that I thought were actually important.
I've just never been a Suzy Homemaker type. Same with the church potluck dinners and meetings where we had food. I'd show up to help, drag out folding tables and chairs, and put salt and pepper shakers on the table and then get, "But don't we have any centerpieces? We have to have centerpieces!" For crying out loud, it's a damn potluck supper in a church basement (I said internally). Then someone would run out to the dollar store and get some plastic crap to put in the middle of the plastic tablecloth.
So I started saying I would do cleanup afterward. Clearing away garbage, washing dishes, I could do that and nobody criticized me, lol.
I'm telling you, there's a lot of social pressure when you belong to a church, hehehe.
At one time, I became overly active in a church I attended.
Another pastor ( my spiritual director at the time ) told me ( very directly and firmly ) " YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO SAY NO".
That good advice has served me well over the years.
Sometimes you have to stop thinking about hurting people's feelings and being truthful. Without being nasty, you can firmly say, "Look, I just don't want to sing, so please stop asking me." There are people out there who are just not going to take hints.
I had to do this once in my church. They needed people, so I volunteered to be on the altar guild, where you set everything up for the priest the night before. In the Episcopal Church, where there's a lot of tradition, this is a process. It's not just a cup and a container for the hosts, but this thinger goes on top of that thinger and this is in between that, and this goes to the right of that, and so forth. Well, some of the long-time ladies on the altar guild would make little remarks because I put the candles too close to the edge or the cloth on the wrong side and blah blah blah and to tell the truth, I really didn't care enough. (And the priest himself would say, "this is just our tradition, but having it set up perfectly is just not important.")
So finally one day a woman approached me and said I should really think about steaming the altar cloth and that there was a steamer in the closet. I said, "Then why don't you go ahead and do that." "Oh no, I have COPD, I can't use the steamer". So I said one day that I was done. I just didn't want to do it anymore, and I said so with no hints or excuses. I'm sure a couple of people didn't like it, but I did other things for the church that I thought were actually important.
I've just never been a Suzy Homemaker type. Same with the church potluck dinners and meetings where we had food. I'd show up to help, drag out folding tables and chairs, and put salt and pepper shakers on the table and then get, "But don't we have any centerpieces? We have to have centerpieces!" For crying out loud, it's a damn potluck supper in a church basement (I said internally). Then someone would run out to the dollar store and get some plastic crap to put in the middle of the plastic tablecloth.
So I started saying I would do cleanup afterward. Clearing away garbage, washing dishes, I could do that and nobody criticized me, lol.
I'm telling you, there's a lot of social pressure when you belong to a church, hehehe.
Exactly, when we first joined you know how every auxiliary or organization wants to come up to you to see if you'd be interested in joining their group, same with this girl. She came up to us wanting to know if we were singers and I clearly told her my singing days are over. And every instance since where they've gotten a choir together she's asked me to sing and I've said no and didn't. Eventually she's gonna either get tired of asking or I'm going to have to be blunt with her, probably not, but I'd just stop asking after a year or 2 or 4.
Exactly, when we first joined you know how every auxiliary or organization wants to come up to you to see if you'd be interested in joining their group, same with this girl. She came up to us wanting to know if we were singers and I clearly told her my singing days are over. And every instance since where they've gotten a choir together she's asked me to sing and I've said no and didn't. Eventually she's gonna either get tired of asking or I'm going to have to be blunt with her, probably not, but I'd just stop asking after a year or 2 or 4.
You've tap-danced around (what you imagine are) her tender sensibilities long enough. Ask her, kindly, to stop asking. The answer is, and ever shall be, "no". If she persists, ask her what part of "no" she doesn't understand. Sometimes you just have to be direct.
There's a lot of this lack of healthy interpersonal boundaries in churches for various reasons. At some point in your life you got the notion that you're not "allowed" to be clear if there's the slightest chance someone might guilt you for it or go off in a huff. You've spent years hoping this dim bulb will get your subliminal messages. She can't. You have to quit being subliminal.
GM all. I've got a bit of a dilemma here I want some input on. My wife and I joined a new church a few years ago and since then I have become very active. At my last church which was the church I was born and raised in I was also very active but when we left I decided that I really didn't want to get so involved into everything and was determined to just go, join, sit, and enjoy the services. A few weeks after joining the praise and worship leader asked me and my wife if we were singers. She's a nice girl some years younger than my wife and I and I told her I use to sing but had transitioned from that to more so church administration. I hadn't sung on a choir or group in a number of years at that point. My wife sort of threw me under the bus by telling her I had lead a few songs back in the day. I hadn't sung in a while because I was burnt out of singing. And it seems that ever since then every time there's an event this young woman comes to me and asks me to join the choir or she has the perfect song for me. Yeah, I did sing once with a group of guys for the pastor's birthday surprise a year or so ago. He likes quartet music so we did a medley of a few songs. No, I didn't lead any of them. It was fun and the entire congregation got a big kick out of it.
I'm now a deacon and I serve on several committees. My wife doesn't really do anything. It's a fairly small church, maybe 100-200 members if that much. We didn't want to go join one of those larger churches so when we visited this one we really liked it. Last year the pastor asked me to be on the planning committee for his pastoral and church anniversary. I was honored to be a part of it. We had a formal gala with tuxedos and ball gowns, the whole 9 yards.
This year he has asked me to serve again on the committee along with 3 other individuals. The weekend event is coming up in a few weeks. Ok, the committee and I have discussed a weekend full of stuff. A concert that Fri night. A bruncheon and awards ceremony that Sat. Then the final day on Sunday. For the bruncheon a few weeks ago we toyed around with the idea of getting a couple of youths to do a mock service and imitate our pastor and first lady. Names were thrown around as far as who might be willing to do it. Then it seemed like there was no more talk of that. The event is next weekend, about 9 days away. Sunday I get a text from another member of the planning committee, the praise and worship leader, and she told me they had been discussing doing a Masked Singer type of thing for the bruncheon and my name had been suggested to be one of the masked singers. First of all, I'm on the committee and I was not in any discussions about doing a masked singer type of thing at the bruncheon. And secondly, if there are three other people on the committee who else would have / could have nominated me but this one girl? These discussions are not open to the general congregation so I'm sure this is just another attempt for this girl to get me to sing. Again, the event is less than 2 weeks away and even if I said yes to this I'd have to come up with a consume, a mask, a song, etc. My thing is this. IF the other members of the committee were all going to participate then I'd have no problem joining in. But the thing is this, none of them are. She didn't say "we all are doing it". She just said that I had been nominated. Then she prefaced it by saying, "You can do a fake joking voice as well it don't have to be your real voice. It's supposed to be funny." Again, I'm on the committee and the day is going to be hectic enough trying to get a few hundred people seated and fed along with the awards presentations for me to quietly duck out and go get changed for a masked singer presentation. Like I say, if everyone on the committee is participating then I would have no problem doing it but none of them are.
Would you look at this as a fun event as in, "I'm willing to do anything for the pastor on his day/weekend" or would you look at this is she's just singling you out for no reason?
You have to understand: these people are desperate for participants and individuals who can help in any small way. If her choir stands were full you wouldn't hear "Boo" from her. maybe give in and say, "Just this once." Then put your foot down--on hers.
You have to understand: these people are desperate for participants and individuals who can help in any small way. If her choir stands were full you wouldn't hear "Boo" from her. maybe give in and say, "Just this once." Then put your foot down--on hers.
But back to the topic at hand. As far as what "the committee" has decided. I'm on the committee and not once has there been a discussion about a masked singer portion of the bruncheon. Like I say, if everyone on the committee were doing a costume and singing then I'd have no problem doing it. But in this case no one on the committee are doing it. This girl is taking the opportunity to try to get me to sing.
But back to the topic at hand. As far as what "the committee" has decided. I'm on the committee and not once has there been a discussion about a masked singer portion of the bruncheon. Like I say, if everyone on the committee were doing a costume and singing then I'd have no problem doing it. But in this case no one on the committee are doing it. This girl is taking the opportunity to try to get me to sing.
Tell her no and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop trying to get you to sing. The answer is staring you in the face. Why all this cloak and dagger subtext? She just wants as many singers as possible and is trying to manipulate you into her stable. Tell her to knock it off. This is not unthinkable or undoable.
Tell her no and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop trying to get you to sing. The answer is staring you in the face. Why all this cloak and dagger subtext? She just wants as many singers as possible and is trying to manipulate you into her stable. Tell her to knock it off. This is not unthinkable or undoable.
I've told her no several times but she keep asking. I guess she's trying to wear me down which it will not work. My mind and heart is no longer on singing and that has been stressed to her.
I've told her no several times but she keep asking. I guess she's trying to wear me down which it will not work. My mind and heart is no longer on singing and that has been stressed to her.
Not sure if this will help but...
One of the techniques I learned in Assertiveness training was to respond like a 'broken record.':
Her: Why not join us to sing this weekend?
You (said in almost monotone): I've already made it clear that I'm not interested in singing.
Her: Oh, come ON! It'll be fun!
You: I've already made it clear that I'm not interested in singing.
Her: But you haven't even tried!
You: I've already made it clear that I'm not interested in singing.
Her: Not even for the Church...or for GOD?
You: I've already made it clear that I'm not interested in singing.
Rinse and repeat until she walks away while mumbling something un-Christian.
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