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I agree about leaving people alone, but when I make that decision, it is because the other person has explicitly told me to leave them alone. Or if it is communicated by body language or tone, I will say something like "based on your actions/tone, it seems like you want me to leave you alone. Am I correct?"
I know several relatives, older ones, who will say they want to be left alone, but then be upset because they were left alone. I would rather they be upset because I held them accountable through their words or because they didn't like the direct questions. This will allow us to start at a place where the facts are known and allow me to fall back on it when the other person starts drifting away from that point.
Then end result is that words have meaning. To say, "oh, that person just wants to be left alone" without that person being explicit about it is just a mind reading game.
There's a difference to the meaning of "Leave me alone" when you are telling someone how they should live or think or act, and someone who just wants to retreat from the world. You need to learn context. If you are "trying to help" someone and they say "leave me alone" it means your help is not the help they need. If you just want to chat with someone who you think has nothing better to do and they say that, it still needs context, maybe they are busy, in some emotional turmoile they want to resolve, or maybe they just don't like you, or hate everyone. Context is neccessary as well as compassion.
There's a difference to the meaning of "Leave me alone" when you are telling someone how they should live or think or act, and someone who just wants to retreat from the world. You need to learn context. If you are "trying to help" someone and they say "leave me alone" it means your help is not the help they need. If you just want to chat with someone who you think has nothing better to do and they say that, it still needs context, maybe they are busy, in some emotional turmoile they want to resolve, or maybe they just don't like you, or hate everyone. Context is neccessary as well as compassion.
Yes. I agree.
My general rule of thumb is that I give the "helpful" advice once or I ask if I can do something for that person, and then don't bring it up again. So communicate first, then act if all parties are in agreement. I can't think of a time when somebody told me explicitly leave them alone when I was trying to help them because I followed my own rule. Perhaps it is the result of not being very imposing.
But what I have experienced is people feeling uncared for because I followed my rule too closely, so I've made adjustments there.
Really watch the movie Babel with Brad Pitt. A kind gesture changed the life of one person and almost lead to a death. The person of course did not know anything if it. It had consequences across continents.
Kind of like telling a tourist of a good place to eat than hearing there was a shooting there and the person was killed.
A great way to live in just mind your own business.
Can't stay sane while living with an undue fear of unintended consequences.
I think it would be a very boring world if everyone left everyone alone.
For better or worse, humans are emotional beings that are hard-wired to be tribal by nature. Although I agree that in modern society, it's a good rule of thumb to try to not butt-in where not invited, we are naturally inclined to do so because it enhances the tribe's survival. So yes, it's tricky.
I sense there is a lot of context missing here. If you are talking in general terms say, with public interaction, yes it's best to leave most people alone, especially if they are not asking/seeking help, or responding to an inquiry.
Known personal friends or family may be a different story depending on what is prompting you to help / intercede / ask etc... However, once said person indicates they don't want your help / opinion / solution to a perceived problem , then yes, take them at their word and move on and leave them plow through it themselves. It is analogous to that concept of people not hearing the message from those close to them and often needing it from an outsider.
If it is adults wanting to live their own way and not abide by some paradigm sold as to 'how people should live' and they are a) self sufficient b) function with those in society well when they have to c) are not harming or putting others at risk by actions / behaviors and simply want solitude, by all means leave them alone.
As someone who has spoken to social service workers at various times, many individuals do not want help and there's not much you can do other than leave them alone and educate them of options should they eventually seek help. I recently saw data that the 'resistant' population (homeless) often need about 100 interaction before they will be receptive. So, unless you are a social worker, and it is your livelihood, yes, leave most people alone.
If you are encountering negative responses in a public realm, you may have difficulty reading people (face / body language etc..) not sure what the full context is here, but sometimes self education on understanding these type things may help save you from unease in interactions.
FWIW
Last edited by ciceropolo; 11-21-2023 at 02:17 PM..
Reason: clarity
I agree about leaving people alone, but when I make that decision, it is because the other person has explicitly told me to leave them alone. Or if it is communicated by body language or tone, I will say something like "based on your actions/tone, it seems like you want me to leave you alone. Am I correct?"
I know several relatives, older ones, who will say they want to be left alone, but then be upset because they were left alone. I would rather they be upset because I held them accountable through their words or because they didn't like the direct questions. This will allow us to start at a place where the facts are known and allow me to fall back on it when the other person starts drifting away from that point.
Then end result is that words have meaning. To say, "oh, that person just wants to be left alone" without that person being explicit about it is just a mind reading game.
This reminds me of an office where I used to work. Many northerners moved in when our companies merged. Some were good people, like anyone else. But a handful were very snooty and distant. I would speak to some of them and barely get a response. Later, they would want to be social and I didn't have time for them. Being quiet and being snobby are 2 different things.
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