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Your children take you for granted. You have every right to be angry about that and disappointed that they put so little thought into acknowledging a day that is important to you.
What is important here is that, regardless of your childrens’ opinions about Father’s Day, the day is important to you. When you love and appreciate someone, you acknowledge them and, by default, the things that are important to them even if it isn’t necessarily important to you.
I’m glad that you let them know (although I would have kept the message short and sweet). I hope they now understand that the day is important to you and behave accordingly.
Moving forward, I would not retaliate. Instead, I would expect that apology as well as a change in their behavior. If neither happens, I would regard and treat them the same as you would an adult friend or close family member who behaved similarly. That way, your relationship might be more balanced in the future.
I disagree. There are some people who make an unnecessarily big deal about holidays. Relationships are a two-way street, and gifts in particular are just that- GIFTS. The idea that someone is obligated to do X or spend Y as a GIFT defeats the purpose of making it a gift. We don’t know a lot about the OP, but if someone has an overbearing, demanding father who is “generous” but also has a lot of unrealistic demands on the children, why is it on the children to comply?
What we do see about the OP is that he was unhappy that they went to a play together and then elected to do stuff on their own after. If he didn’t tell them what he wanted, how would they know? I can say that my mom is a bit of a steamroller, BUT she is very blunt about what she wants. Sometimes she just need to be told that X or Y is not happening. Unlike the OP, she gets over things in about 5 minutes, so it is fine. On the other hand, there’s no trying to guess.
Your children take you for granted. You have every right to be angry about that and disappointed that they put so little thought into acknowledging a day that is important to you.
OP, you messed up making a passive-aggressive hissy fit over this. Your wife should have coordinated the day with your sons.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonmarc
I even made everyone dinner but there wasn’t even a thank you.
Where was your wife?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jonmarc
For Mother’s Day I was all over them to do something. I made dinner the night before and on the day. My older child gave my wife a card. Our younger child went and got my wife her favorite breakfast. I thought that I’d get similar treatment.
So you coordinated Mother's Day for your kids, wouldn't they expect your wife to do the same for Father's Day?
I asked my husband how he wanted to spend his special day. I called my kids to make sure they did something for my husband.
Father's Day is a fake holiday! It's more important how his sons treat him in general. Do they treat you well 99% of time? If so, you blew up your relationship for a single day!
Last edited by YorktownGal; 06-22-2023 at 08:06 AM..
"Father’s Day was invented by American Mrs. Sonora Smart Dodd who wanted to honour her father, a veteran who had, as a single parent, raised his six children. The first Father's Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910.
2) Unlike Mother’s Day, Father’s Day was originally met with laughter. It was the target of much satire, parody and derision with a local newspaper complaining that it would lead to mindless promotions such as ‘National Clean Your Desk Day’.
3) The first American president to support the concept of Father's day was President Calvin Coolidge, who did so in 1924… but it wasn’t until in the year 1966 that President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation that resulted in the declaration of the third Sunday of June as Father's Day."
It was NOT a day invented by Hallmark. It's as much a holiday as any of the others, whether one chooses to celebrate it or not.
And they are adults (26, 27). The young child lives with us for free (I never believed that you charge rent to close family unless you have to). The older child is engaged (we are generously to a portion of the wedding later this year) and lives nearby in a house we just helped them buy (in the crazy market last year we gave them the cash to buy so their offers were more attractive).
You are both adults now. Start acting like it. I shouldn’t have to tell you both how to act. I shouldn’t have to blow up and tell you I’m angry or disappointed by your actions or lack of them. It’s time you both grow up.
Let me say that my wife and I did not raise our kids this way. We raised them to be respectful and thoughtful. We may have spoiled them but we always reminded them of all that they have to be grateful for. We taught them to thank people for things they get and that family is very important. Im not sure how they got so inconsiderate.
Is it that they are of a generation of entitled kids who think they are owed everything? A friend says it is.
They both got jobs at 16 and worked for their pocket money. We paid for their college and grad school because we could and we felt it was important they not be burdened with student debt. We both also weren’t absentee parents who put their careers before them. In fact I gave up a couple of very lucrative opportunities to be home with them and to not move them far from family. We both attended virtually every school and sports event they had. We read to them every night and spent as much time together as a family as we could. That was certainly more than any other kid had. Overall we did all we could but it appears it was for naught.
I left the important things in your post above.
Like you said they are adults (age wise) HOWEVER your actions are not helping them to become adults.
There is no reason why that 26 year old college graduate should be living at home (and especially rent free) and there was no reason why you should have continued to help the older one by helping him to buy a home and contribute to his wedding especially when you paid for college and grad school and they are acting like entitled children.
It's time they stand on their own two feet. My two children were self sufficient when they graduated college (we paid for college as well). They both had their careers lined up right before graduation and have never needed anything financial from us since. That doesn't mean that I don't do nice things for them from time to time or that I wouldn't be there should something beyond their control happened. That is what family does. And all of those other things you did when they were young were great, but at a certain point a parent needs to start preparing them to be adults and to live on their own independently from you.
I hate to say this but it almost sounds like you are trying to buy their affection. That will never happen. It's time to push those babies from the nest and let them fly on their own.
Like you said they are adults (age wise) HOWEVER your actions are not helping them to become adults.
There is no reason why that 26 year old college graduate should be living at home (and especially rent free) and there was no reason why you should have continued to help the older one by helping him to buy a home and contribute to his wedding especially when you paid for college and grad school and they are acting like entitled children.
It's time they stand on their own two feet. My two children were self sufficient when they graduated college (we paid for college as well). They both had their careers lined up right before graduation and have never needed anything financial from us since. That doesn't mean that I don't do nice things for them from time to time or that I wouldn't be there should something beyond their control happened. That is what family does. And all of those other things you did when they were young were great, but at a certain point a parent needs to start preparing them to be adults and to live on their own independently from you.
I hate to say this but it almost sounds like you are trying to buy their affection. That will never happen. It's time to push those babies from the nest and let them fly on their own.
Amen. No wonder you resent their behavior. So quit coddling them if you aren't getting appropriate levels of gratitude.
Thanks for all the responses and points of views. I’ll try to answer some of the questions asked.
In the past they’ve done things like go out for dinner and bought a card and a small gift so that is why this hurt.
This lack of apologizing only seems to have started in the few years since college.
For Mother’s Day I was all over them to do something. I made dinner the night before and on the day. My older child gave my wife a card. Our younger child went and got my wife her favorite breakfast. I thought that I’d get similar treatment.
My wife admitted she should have reminded them to do something. She’s been very busy working though so I understand why she didn’t. But these are adults now so I think it’s reasonable to expect them to do something without being told to.
I didn’t demand they do anything. I suggested what I thought they might have done. I don’t think that is too much to ask.
Neither child has responded to my text. The younger child has given me the silent treatment. Thats very telling and not good. Very immature.
It sounds to me like they really had no clue that you would be upset by their (in)actions. I also agree with other posters who have pointed out that the kids might have expected your wife to coordinate a Father’s Day celebration given that you coordinated the Mother’s Day festivities.
I think the piece of important info that is missing here is: how have your children celebrated past Father’s Days?
That said, I think that you and your wife need to have a conversation about expectations moving forward re: the planning of family festivities. It sounds as if you want your kids to take some (adult) initiative and be in charge of Mother’s and Father’s Day celebrations (which is reasonable).
After you and your wife discuss, you can notify the kids via text, like, “Given our recent misunderstanding regarding Father’s Day, your mother and I have decided that….” Just be realistic re: your expectations, though, as it sounds like your kids might not celebrate either day if they don’t have the encouragement of a parent (which is unfortunate).
And, whatever you do, don’t get pissed if the kids pointedly celebrate Mother’s Day but not Father’s Day. The best thing to do is to go high, not low and continue to be a father (but a father to adult children—treat them like adults).
I again see nothing wrong with having father/mother's day. I do think the holiday has gotten out of control and that's probably thanks to social media in a way. Everything these days is go big or go home. It's not just a give someone a card type thing, it's a buy someone a pricey gift and take the whole family to brunch or dinner type. Those are at least the expectations from me with my family it seems and it starts to wear on you.
I see nothing wrong with telling your adult kids how you feel, even in somewhat angry terms. They need to know you have feelings too.
You and your wife have spoiled your children, you know that and this is proof. The younger child's silent treatment is further proof.
Dial it back a little. You bought the older one a house at 27? Why? Is the house fully paid for now? My cousin did this for her daughter and daughter and husband immediately took out a home equity loan to spend on vacations, clothes and a third vehicle they thought they "needed." Not saying your kids will do this though.
Your wife should have coordinated Father's Day, I mean how busy can someone be unless her job has her on another continent.
I don't know the family dynamics but your wife their mother, should step up. break the ice, play peacemaker.
You are really suggesting an EVICTION NOTICE for someone who didn’t “appropriately” participate in an a Hallmark holiday? And blaming the wife? If the OP has expectations for Father’s Day, the best approach is for HIM to politely suggest what he might want instead of expecting his kids to mind read.
Yup! Eviction notice.
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