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Great post. I agree with you that the OP does not need to apologize to his kids.
When I read some poster saying that the OP should apologize to his kids, I thought hmmm. What's done is done. They read the text or not, that's up to them. If they read half way or through, and if they don't call their dad to apologize means they don't care about their dad, don't acknowledge and appreciate their dad's caring and love through so many years. They are too selfish and feeling entitled. They just think father or mother has to serve them; they don't ever think of giving or showing kindness back. Such kids are useless. Some people said if they were in the kids’ situation, and if the dad does not apologize to them, they would not speak to the dad ever again; and that's the dad's loss (of his kid). I was thinking it's the other way around too; that can be the loss for the kids also.
OP, live your life. You have scarified your life for them for so many years already. Now, it's the time you need to take good care of yourself, to indulge yourself. Think about people who don't have kids. So what? Love needs to be two-way to make good relationships.
Interesting that I don't get that at all from the OP. What I heard was a lot of "me" as in "they didn't do this for me" and "they didn't do that for me" and "they didn't spend enough money on me" ad infinitum. He acknowledged they did go to the theatre and did say "Happy Father's Day" and did call. They just didn't spend enough money on him and didn't give him what he wanted.
I don't see the kids as being selfish or entitled or useless from what was in the OP. I did see a serious lack of communication in that family. And an accusatory email doesn't help that situation. It's somewhat ironic that a message about the lack of personal communication and appreciation was done through the very impersonal medium of email.
And while we are at it, you both need to start saying the words “I’m sorry” when you do something wrong. There is nothing wrong with admitting you made a mistake. For some reason neither of you do that, at least to me or mom. That just shows arrogance and a lack of humility. That’s not a good trait so cut it out and say you’re sorry when you do something wrong. Like now! [
OP, sending that text was not the 'right' thing to do. You are not justified in sending such a hurtful text just because your sons did not respond on Father's Day the particular way you wanted them to respond.
I don't think that if adult children don't step up to the plate and show kindness and appreciation to their parents that they don't care or are useless.. I think that they just haven't yet figured out that their parents are people also... that their parents have lives that matter also.
That's what I meant when I wrote in prior post that one of the hard parts of empty nest is the change wherein the adult children learn how to treat their parents as adults.. people with lives that matter.. not just resources to be sought out when the adult children have a need to be met.
But in fairness (perhaps) for the adult children, seeing parents in this way is in fact an entirely new perspective. Lol, our 30-somethings are still having difficulty with it.
IDK, but at this point, it is what it is.. life goes on.. Conversations about it might help a bit, but in truth, it's just something younger folks are either going to recognize or not. I don't think it's something that someone else can teach.. it may just be part of the times we live in, part of the newish societal norms. (not everywhere of course, I think we all mostly recognize that)
But it is only a very small reflection on parenting, IMHO. Maybe it's part of a newish (or more common at least) set of coping skills? In response to all our social "independence" from each other? No great sense spending too much time thinking about it. It'll either be recognized eventually or not.
But only "put up" with it to the extent that you are comfortable. We all have the right to that. At the very least.
+1. Being a parent of young adults is rough. Definitely more emotionally draining than any other stage, IMO. Their heads are so far up their own butts with learning to navigate adult life that’s it is best to keep expectations very low.
OP, sending that text was not the 'right' thing to do. You are not justified in sending such a hurtful text just because your sons did not respond on Father's Day the particular way you wanted them to respond.
IMO, you made a mistake. Take your own advice.
Why is everyone ignoring the underlined and calling the kids "entitled"? If that's what the people saying that also expect it's not the kids who are the entitled ones.
Right. Blame the parents for everything. The kids have no brains or agency - they are just mindless robots that are programmed by their parents.
If parents spoil their kids-- something the OP made clear that he does and continues to do-- how do they learn to be grateful, courteous and appreciative to others? They don't. They learn that everything is all about them.
When all you do in your life is get, you never learn to give. Why would they celebrate Father's Day? It has nothing to do with them. What do they get out of it? That has to be where the lack of acknowledging the day comes from. There's no other possible reason for such obliviousness.
Writing that long rant is not likely to drum up any sort of emotional response and genuine recognition that it was hurtful to ignore Father's Day because the kids are not wired to see that they did anything wrong. It wasn't about them so they don't care. Hard to believe they were appreciative "kids" until Father's Day 2023.
Writing that long rant is not likely to drum up any sort of emotional response and genuine recognition that it was hurtful to ignore Father's Day because the kids are not wired to see that they did anything wrong. It wasn't about them so they don't care. Hard to believe they were appreciative "kids" until Father's Day 2023.
Personally, I don't think the kids did anything wrong. They wished their dad a happy Father's Day and they went with him to a play the night before. Expecting more than that from adult children is, IMO, over the top. It seems to me that the OP is one of those who makes big huge deals about holidays. They expect a lot, and get disproportionately disappointed if they don't get it. Such people are difficult to satisfy and are emotionally draining for those who are expected to join in the hoopla.
If parents spoil their kids-- something the OP made clear that he does and continues to do-- how do they learn to be grateful, courteous and appreciative to others? They don't. They learn that everything is all about them.
When all you do in your life is get, you never learn to give. Why would they celebrate Father's Day? It has nothing to do with them. What do they get out of it? That has to be where the lack of acknowledging the day comes from. There's no other possible reason for such obliviousness.
Writing that long rant is not likely to drum up any sort of emotional response and genuine recognition that it was hurtful to ignore Father's Day because the kids are not wired to see that they did anything wrong. It wasn't about them so they don't care. Hard to believe they were appreciative "kids" until Father's Day 2023.
I disagree with your premise. I grew up very spoiled and privileged and was not taught much by my parents, however I went to work at age 11 (fruit) and worked 12 hour days in the summer to try to impress my dad. I also have a strong conscience (and had it as very young child). I knew right from wrong. I don't believe I was taught manners, but I somehow learned them and feel myself to be well-mannered. Etc., etc.
Kids are not blank slates for parents to project on and program (although I guess many do and sometimes the programming sticks and there are no apparent bugs).
Maybe the OP would have like a personal gift from his sons like he used to get when they were small?
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