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I am 38 years old and have four daughters. I had met my ex-wife while we were in college and were married for 10 years right after graduation. We have triplet girls age 12 and a 9 year old daughter. We got divorced 6 years ago because she got addicted into substance abuse and keeps going in and out of rehab. She hasn't been there for the kids.After I got remarried, under her care, she was negligent on several occasions with the kids.
I got remarried 4 years ago. My second wife was my high school sweetheart and we had dated towards the end of middle school and broke up after high school graduation.. She has two kids from her previous marriage and they live with us. . My daughters love her. My daughters call her mom over my ex-wife, We ended up with permanent custody of my daughters, then after a court battle eventually my ex-wife agreed to sign away her parental rights, and my wife asked me if she could legally adopt my girls and I have no issue with it. I love this woman. I was devastated when we broke up before I went off to college. She would love for us to be a complete family.
How do my wife and myself approach this to my daughters regarding adoption?
The same way you did here.
With direct welcomeness towards the adoption process. Ask them how they prefer to be included in the legal portion. Or if they simply want to be low key .
Be willing to explain in a kind way ( despite what you may think of the maternal mother) that having your current spouse be honored to be their legal mother, they are welcome to keep a place in their hearts for their birth mom. Try to understand that teens may welcome this lovely lady.... Yet there is still a sense of ( fill in the blank) concerning their birth mother.
I pray it's done with love, understanding and joy!
May your family flourish in this legal transistion .
Bravo for you in genuinely sharing these children with your true love. !
Sweet, sweet story. I also married my high school sweetheart/best friend when we were in our 40's. By then our children from our first marriages were older so adoption wasn't practical. But in your case, I think it's beautiful. I think you should talk to your girls individually about this so they can share their true feelings and concerns.
BTW, I was adopted at 2 years old by my mom's second husband. He was my real dad, loved him very much!
I am 38 years old and have four daughters. I had met my ex-wife while we were in college and were married for 10 years right after graduation. We have triplet girls age 12 and a 9 year old daughter. We got divorced 6 years ago because she got addicted into substance abuse and keeps going in and out of rehab. She hasn't been there for the kids.After I got remarried, under her care, she was negligent on several occasions with the kids.
I got remarried 4 years ago. My second wife was my high school sweetheart and we had dated towards the end of middle school and broke up after high school graduation.. She has two kids from her previous marriage and they live with us. . My daughters love her. My daughters call her mom over my ex-wife, We ended up with permanent custody of my daughters, then after a court battle eventually my ex-wife agreed to sign away her parental rights, and my wife asked me if she could legally adopt my girls and I have no issue with it. I love this woman. I was devastated when we broke up before I went off to college. She would love for us to be a complete family.
How do my wife and myself approach this to my daughters regarding adoption?
What are the relationships like between your daughters and their mother? Are they aware she is no longer legally their mother? What are the relationships like between your daughters and their step-siblings? How do the step-siblings feel about it and the legal ramifications it may impose on them?
What is the relationship like between the girls and their mother?
Quote:
My daughters love her. My daughters call her mom over my ex-wife, We ended up with permanent custody of my daughters, then after a court battle eventually my ex-wife agreed to sign away her parental rights, and my wife asked me if she could legally adopt my girls and I have no issue with it.
Your ex sounds like she is struggling with addiction and I feel for what your daughters have been through. At the same time, she is their mother. Hearing that there was a "court battle" after which she at last agreed to sign away her parental rights makes it sound like this was not done willingly. Right now she is unfit to parent due to addiction. What happens if two years down the road, she's gone through treatment and gets clean?
I realize this is complicated issue... but I wonder if you are trying a little too hard to make this into a big Disney movie ending where your high school sweetheart gets crowned Cinderella and the girls' real mom comes out looking like the evil witch. Why can't she simply be a wonderful, loving stepmother who nurtures them? This leaves space so that if one day their mother gets treatment and can be an active part of their lives again, you haven't pushed 9 and 12 year olds into doing something that would alienate their mother in order to make things turn out rosy for your "high school sweetheart."
I agree with kitkatbar's suggestion. It would be a different situation if your ex-wife had died. Then I would endorse your current wife's adoption of your daughters.
But their mother is not dead. She is just not capable of being a mother right now. By having your wife adopt your children, you are effectively saying that people (meaning their mother) cannot change and improve themselves. There is no forgiveness possible for her. Do you want your children to feel that forgiveness is not an option in the future. What if they do something that is "unforgiveable"? That is a terrible life lesson for 12 and 9 year olds to be taught.
Whilst I do not endorse your wife's adopting the children, I would confer with a lawyer so that she has guardianship rights. This will allow her to make decisions about the children in your absence. Something as simple as signing a permission slip for a school trip or taking the children to the doctor (HIPAA is very unforgiving.)
Your wife can function as a loving parent. The family should hope that your ex-wife gets the help she needs and is able to be a loving mother in the future. Having more people in their lives that love them can only benefit your children.
Regardless of how YOU feel, do not permanently deprive your children of a possible future with their mother.
If the OP dies the wife won’t be able to keep the kids if she doesn’t adopt them. I would tell the kids that their mom is welcome back into your lives if she is clean and sober for 2 years. It would be wonderful if she did and then the kids would have 2 loving moms.
What is the relationship like between the girls and their mother?
Your ex sounds like she is struggling with addiction and I feel for what your daughters have been through. At the same time, she is their mother. Hearing that there was a "court battle" after which she at last agreed to sign away her parental rights makes it sound like this was not done willingly. Right now she is unfit to parent due to addiction. What happens if two years down the road, she's gone through treatment and gets clean?
I realize this is complicated issue... but I wonder if you are trying a little too hard to make this into a big Disney movie ending where your high school sweetheart gets crowned Cinderella and the girls' real mom comes out looking like the evil witch. Why can't she simply be a wonderful, loving stepmother who nurtures them? This leaves space so that if one day their mother gets treatment and can be an active part of their lives again, you haven't pushed 9 and 12 year olds into doing something that would alienate their mother in order to make things turn out rosy for your "high school sweetheart."
I'm on the no side with Kit and Lillie. Do you even understand what the adoption will do? You will be having your daughters original birth certificates sealed away forever, they will be issued a new adoptee birth certificate that now lists your dream wife as their mother.
I would say you surely could ask your girls at their ages, especially the 12 year olds but at 12, they do not understand the complications that can happen to them years from now where they're not able to get those original birth certificates to even see the information that every other person on the planet is entitled to.
I also do not agree with them calling your wife "mom," she is not their mother.
At some point your ex may get clean, your kids also may want to try to have a relationship with her. What about her side of the family? Did they all just step back? You would be taking out their mothers full branch of her family tree. Legally they wouldn't be your kids aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. You could be stopping them from inheriting money from grandparents at some later date.
Are your wife's family going to accept your kids the same as their blood relatives to where they may leave an inheritance to your kids or do they feel that your kids have blood grandparents that could provide in their wills?
Girls eventually need their mother at certain times of their lives, wedding, when they're pregnant. No one can say if your wife will be able to emotionally fill that role in their heads. They could end up being very bitter towards you for erasing their biological mother, especially when your triplets are already 12. They will be adults in 6 short years.
Are you adopting her kids? If you're thinking of it, same advice as above except you'd be wiping out their last name.
This is not a Disney movie. This is the lives of multiple kids who are way too young to have the brains to understand what an adoption would really mean.
Get her legally listed as a guardian.
BTW, my hub raised my daughter since she was 5. I would never, ever have had him adopt her. Her fathers family was still a part of her life even if she didn't see them because of where we lived. She always spoke to her nana on the phone.
(Domestic infant supply adoptee) — please don’t alter their birth certificates or sub in your wife for their mom… it’s not the same, and they will always carry the trauma of losing her. Guardianship may be an option, but otherwise please just don’t.
Whether or not the family goes through with the adoption, the girls will always know who their birth mom is and there is no reason to think they still won't be able to see her or her side of the family if they still have good relationships.
But I'm not about to romanticize and reward a parent that chooses drugs over her children and is in and out of rehab for many years. How nice for the OP that he married a wonderful woman who stepped up and took on 4 more daughters and is their mom now in every way. Addiction is brutal and dangerous for everyone. Addicts lie and make promises they can't keep. It's heartbreaking.
I have friends who had to adopt their grandchildren and raise them because the moms are addicts. The children know this. They know mom is incapable of caring for herself, let alone them.
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