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What is the relationship like between the girls and their mother?
Your ex sounds like she is struggling with addiction and I feel for what your daughters have been through. At the same time, she is their mother. Hearing that there was a "court battle" after which she at last agreed to sign away her parental rights makes it sound like this was not done willingly. Right now she is unfit to parent due to addiction. What happens if two years down the road, she's gone through treatment and gets clean?
I realize this is complicated issue... but I wonder if you are trying a little too hard to make this into a big Disney movie ending where your high school sweetheart gets crowned Cinderella and the girls' real mom comes out looking like the evil witch. Why can't she simply be a wonderful, loving stepmother who nurtures them? This leaves space so that if one day their mother gets treatment and can be an active part of their lives again, you haven't pushed 9 and 12 year olds into doing something that would alienate their mother in order to make things turn out rosy for your "high school sweetheart."
This is such a kind and thoughtful response and I hope the OP truly considers this option. Leaving the door open for the biological mom to be successful in her struggles hurts no one.
I'm on the no side with Kit and Lillie. Do you even understand what the adoption will do? You will be having your daughters original birth certificates sealed away forever, they will be issued a new adoptee birth certificate that now lists your dream wife as their mother.
I would say you surely could ask your girls at their ages, especially the 12 year olds but at 12, they do not understand the complications that can happen to them years from now where they're not able to get those original birth certificates to even see the information that every other person on the planet is entitled to.
I also do not agree with them calling your wife "mom," she is not their mother.
At some point your ex may get clean, your kids also may want to try to have a relationship with her. What about her side of the family? Did they all just step back? You would be taking out their mothers full branch of her family tree. Legally they wouldn't be your kids aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents. You could be stopping them from inheriting money from grandparents at some later date.
Are your wife's family going to accept your kids the same as their blood relatives to where they may leave an inheritance to your kids or do they feel that your kids have blood grandparents that could provide in their wills?
Girls eventually need their mother at certain times of their lives, wedding, when they're pregnant. No one can say if your wife will be able to emotionally fill that role in their heads. They could end up being very bitter towards you for erasing their biological mother, especially when your triplets are already 12. They will be adults in 6 short years.
Are you adopting her kids? If you're thinking of it, same advice as above except you'd be wiping out their last name.
This is not a Disney movie. This is the lives of multiple kids who are way too young to have the brains to understand what an adoption would really mean.
Get her legally listed as a guardian.
BTW, my hub raised my daughter since she was 5. I would never, ever have had him adopt her. Her fathers family was still a part of her life even if she didn't see them because of where we lived. She always spoke to her nana on the phone.
Whether or not the family goes through with the adoption, the girls will always know who their birth mom is and there is no reason to think they still won't be able to see her or her side of the family if they still have good relationships.
But I'm not about to romanticize and reward a parent that chooses drugs over her children and is in and out of rehab for many years. How nice for the OP that he married a wonderful woman who stepped up and took on 4 more daughters and is their mom now in every way. Addiction is brutal and dangerous for everyone. Addicts lie and make promises they can't keep. It's heartbreaking.
I have friends who had to adopt their grandchildren and raise them because the moms are addicts. The children know this. They know mom is incapable of caring for herself, let alone them.
Good points. I'm not trying to minimize her addiction. She did try to fight for the kids. We're only hearing the OP's Disney version. He could have cut her out, turned kids against her which turned her to doing more drugs. We don't know.
IMO adoption was the question which I do not feel is in their best interests at their ages. We also know nothing about her family either. She gave up her parental rights. I could have done that to my ex who never saw my son but I would never do that to my son. My son is very appreciative to how grown up I was about his "fathers" lack of interest.
He chooses to cut him off since being an adult, he's almost 40 now.
He does call the SD for his bday, the SD calls him other holidays. That's the extent of their "relationship". His mother and rest of the family is a totally different story. Always in my son's life.
This is such a kind and thoughtful response and I hope the OP truly considers this option. Leaving the door open for the biological mom to be successful in her struggles hurts no one.
What happens to the kids if the father dies suddenly? The bio mom has given up her parental rights, and the step-mom has no legal standing if she doesn't adopt the kids. It seems to me that the future welfare of the children is a bigger consideration than giving the bio mom more chances at rehab. OP and his current wife need to talk to their attorney about wills and child custody if he should die. Maybe they'll decide guardianship is a better option. I'm also curious as to what the step-mom's own children think, and is their dad in the picture, or is OP thinking about adopting them too?
What happens to the kids if the father dies suddenly? The bio mom has given up her parental rights, and the step-mom has no legal standing if she doesn't adopt the kids. It seems to me that the future welfare of the children is a bigger consideration than giving the bio mom more chances at rehab. OP and his current wife need to talk to their attorney about wills and child custody if he should die. Maybe they'll decide guardianship is a better option. I'm also curious as to what the step-mom's own children think, and is their dad in the picture, or is OP thinking about adopting them too?
Your point about guardianship upon the death of the father is an excellent point.
All parents should explore this situation. In many, if not most situations, the children have two living parents. If one of them were to die, the surviving natural parent would be the sole guardian and custodian (in most situations). In the situation of the OP, the birth mother has relinquished her parental rights and therefore would have to have the courts address custody.
But parents should explore the possibility that the surviving parent may not be the best custodian or guardian for the child. Situations exist where one parent has only supervised visitation with the child or the surviving parent is not able or willing to assume complete and total guardianship and custody. Speaking with an attorney who specializes in family law would be necessary to explore the options.
Also, parents should explore the possibility of a situation where both parents die and the child(ren) is(are) orphaned. It is not inconceivable that an accident or illness could take both parents. All families should have wills and guardianship papers that detail the party or parties responsible for the persons of the children and the financial assets of the estate to maintain the children. Any responsible parent would want to ensure that their surviving children are cared for.
What happens to the kids if the father dies suddenly? The bio mom has given up her parental rights, and the step-mom has no legal standing if she doesn't adopt the kids. It seems to me that the future welfare of the children is a bigger consideration than giving the bio mom more chances at rehab. OP and his current wife need to talk to their attorney about wills and child custody if he should die. Maybe they'll decide guardianship is a better option. I'm also curious as to what the step-mom's own children think, and is their dad in the picture, or is OP thinking about adopting them too?
My kids get along real well with both of their step-siblings. Their father gets time with them when it’s his weekend.
Your point about guardianship upon the death of the father is an excellent point.
All parents should explore this situation. In many, if not most situations, the children have two living parents. If one of them were to die, the surviving natural parent would be the sole guardian and custodian (in most situations). In the situation of the OP, the birth mother has relinquished her parental rights and therefore would have to have the courts address custody.
But parents should explore the possibility that the surviving parent may not be the best custodian or guardian for the child. Situations exist where one parent has only supervised visitation with the child or the surviving parent is not able or willing to assume complete and total guardianship and custody. Speaking with an attorney who specializes in family law would be necessary to explore the options.
Also, parents should explore the possibility of a situation where both parents die and the child(ren) is(are) orphaned. It is not inconceivable that an accident or illness could take both parents. All families should have wills and guardianship papers that detail the party or parties responsible for the persons of the children and the financial assets of the estate to maintain the children. Any responsible parent would want to ensure that their surviving children are cared for.
I would think (but of course I could be wrong) that responsible parents like the biological dad and the step mom would have already chosen guardians for the kids. It's a difficult process to go through especially with families scattered across the country but it's essential. We chose the guardians of our kids (in case both hubby and I died) and most importantly we discussed what it would entail with the guardians and asked them if they would do it. They were honored to be chosen. Now our kids are in their thirties
What happens to the kids if the father dies suddenly? The bio mom has given up her parental rights, and the step-mom has no legal standing if she doesn't adopt the kids. It seems to me that the future welfare of the children is a bigger consideration than giving the bio mom more chances at rehab. OP and his current wife need to talk to their attorney about wills and child custody if he should die. Maybe they'll decide guardianship is a better option. I'm also curious as to what the step-mom's own children think, and is their dad in the picture, or is OP thinking about adopting them too?
Good question, I assume the OP may have parents who would or could step in. Maybe the ex's parents would step in. I would get my grandson if my daughter passed away, he's only seen his sperm donor about 10 times in 9 years
Quote:
Originally Posted by BuckeyeDad10
My kids get along real well with both of their step-siblings. Their father gets time with them when it’s his weekend.
So no adoption for you with her girls so that their name matches their mothers.
I had asked about their mothers family. Are any of those relatives in your kids lives?
What happens to the kids if the father dies suddenly? The bio mom has given up her parental rights, and the step-mom has no legal standing if she doesn't adopt the kids. It seems to me that the future welfare of the children is a bigger consideration than giving the bio mom more chances at rehab. OP and his current wife need to talk to their attorney about wills and child custody if he should die. Maybe they'll decide guardianship is a better option. I'm also curious as to what the step-mom's own children think, and is their dad in the picture, or is OP thinking about adopting them too?
I agree, this is an important consideration. They could end up in foster care, even separated.
I agree, this is an important consideration. They could end up in foster care, even separated.
I think adoption is the right legal step to take.
Highly unlikely to occur, especially if the stepmother has been granted legal guardian status during the marriage.
"The courts are always going to consider what is best for the child first: if there is anyone in the family with a strong, pre-existing, and proven relationship with the child, then it is very likely that they will be able to acquire custody."
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