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My oldest daughter turned 13 today and I feel so sad because she will not speak to me. She lives with her dad 6 hours away. She moved to go live with him at the beginning of this past school year. After basically two years of fighting all the time, I finally agreed to let her move in with him. I did it for her two younger sisters who had to live in constant conflict. And I figured, maybe living at her dad's our relationship could heal. I was wrong though. Things haven't gotten better. She doesn't respond to any of my texts or phone calls..I tried to phone to wish her happy birthday and she didn't want to speak to me. She told me previously she does not love me at all, that I'm an ugly fat loser who no one will ever love (she said it on multiple occasions) and I wonder if this is just the way it's always going to me, if we're are just never again going to have a relationship. My mom tells me one day she's gonna grow up and realize things but I'm ot so optimistic.
I think Covid made.everything worse for our relationship my daughter has always been difficult but covid exacerbated it. She has a mood disorder and is prone to emotional outbursts of anger. When she started playing competitive soccer things got better. Playing 3 times a week with intense physical drills I think she got a lot of that emotional energy out plus she loved it. Then it was cancelled with covid. And then when school was closed, she absolutely refused to do any of the homeschooling, she and I were always fighting about it. Also,.when school finally did resume the next school year, age was put in a class without any of her friends and the school had a classroom bubble system so the entire school year she wasn't allowed.to play with her friends, she was completely cut off from them. She began to really hate school and we were always getting into fights because she often wouldn't go. I was at my wits end.
My oldest daughter turned 13 today and I feel so sad because she will not speak to me. She lives with her dad 6 hours away. She moved to go live with him at the beginning of this past school year. After basically two years of fighting all the time, I finally agreed to let her move in with him. I did it for her two younger sisters who had to live in constant conflict. And I figured, maybe living at her dad's our relationship could heal. I was wrong though. Things haven't gotten better. She doesn't respond to any of my texts or phone calls..I tried to phone to wish her happy birthday and she didn't want to speak to me. She told me previously she does not love me at all, that I'm an ugly fat loser who no one will ever love (she said it on multiple occasions) and I wonder if this is just the way it's always going to me, if we're are just never again going to have a relationship. My mom tells me one day she's gonna grow up and realize things but I'm ot so optimistic.
I think Covid made.everything worse for our relationship my daughter has always been difficult but covid exacerbated it. She has a mood disorder and is prone to emotional outbursts of anger. When she started playing competitive soccer things got better. Playing 3 times a week with intense physical drills I think she got a lot of that emotional energy out plus she loved it. Then it was cancelled with covid. And then when school was closed, she absolutely refused to do any of the homeschooling, she and I were always fighting about it. Also,.when school finally did resume the next school year, age was put in a class without any of her friends and the school had a classroom bubble system so the entire school year she wasn't allowed.to play with her friends, she was completely cut off from them. She began to really hate school and we were always getting into fights because she often wouldn't go. I was at my wits end.
Was fighting the only approach you used to support your mentally ill daughter during lockdown?
You were just the easiest person to lash out at during that time, and she's still angry. I'm sure her father will see that side as well if things get tough for her there.
I would have sent her a card and gift in the mail. Continue to do that for birthdays/holidays, with no expectations that she will contact you to thank you.
You just have to keep letting her know you're in her corner no matter what.
You were just the easiest person to lash out at during that time, and she's still angry. I'm sure her father will see that side as well if things get tough for her there.
I would have sent her a card and gift in the mail. Continue to do that for birthdays/holidays, with no expectations that she will contact you to thank you.
You just have to keep letting her know you're in her corner no matter what.
^This. She might be full out rejecting you now, Op, but you remembering her on her birthday and during the holidays is important. She is noticing that you care even if she can't appreciate it now.
Text or call her to wish her a happy birthday and let her know that you love her. She might not respond, she might refuse to talk to you but she will at least know that you are trying.
She won't be 13 forever and, as she matures, hopefully she'll be more inclined to want to have a relationship with you.
Probably she will grow out of it. If she doesn't, it takes two people to form a relationship and you can't do it all by yourself. if she doesn't want to have a relationship with you, you can't force her.
If she is happy living with her father, leave her alone. Maybe send birthday cards and leave it at that.
I mean this sincerely… other than birthing her, what do you have to offer to your daughter?
I suppose ‘us men’ face this existential problem on the daily, as we supposedly don’t have the bond mothers have (so I’ve been told).
You blame a 13 year old for a lot of problems in your relationship, but my suspicion is that she may be a little smarter than you give credit for, and she see’s you as unreasonable, unkind, and generally unhealthy to be around. Why is that?
What does her father have to say about it? Is she totally different around him, or is she a miserable temper tantrum over there also?
If she’s quite happy there, why is that? What does he do differently?
I hate to think what it was like for a young tween/teen to grow up in constant drama for years… are her sisters ok? Do they not see their father?
Your response seems harsh. Did you read this began two years ago, not all the daughter's life? Sons can definitely have bonds with mothers! Your attitude seems to come from your own life experience. Not fair to project your own insecurities on PassionateNortherner. I would recommend she disregard your post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcl
I mean this sincerely… other than birthing her, what do you have to offer to your daughter?
I suppose ‘us men’ face this existential problem on the daily, as we supposedly don’t have the bond mothers have (so I’ve been told).
You blame a 13 year old for a lot of problems in your relationship, but my suspicion is that she may be a little smarter than you give credit for, and she see’s you as unreasonable, unkind, and generally unhealthy to be around. Why is that?
What does her father have to say about it? Is she totally different around him, or is she a miserable temper tantrum over there also?
If she’s quite happy there, why is that? What does he do differently?
I hate to think what it was like for a young tween/teen to grow up in constant drama for years… are her sisters ok? Do they not see their father?
Your response seems harsh. Did you read this began two years ago, not all the daughter's life? Sons can definitely have bonds with mothers! Your attitude seems to come from your own life experience. Not fair to project your own insecurities on PassionateNortherner. I would recommend she disregard your post.
I didn’t say son’s can’t bond with mothers, nor did I say anything about “all her daughters life”. I really wonder what you actually read. My questions were:
1) what does she have to offer her daughter - other than arguments.
2) why might her daughter find her so toxic
3) what’s the father’s observations of his daughter
Secondary to the main issues, I also wondered about the sisters left in the mothers care.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The hardest thing for a mother is to be separated from her child. You can get through this. I know that seems impossible at this moment. This moment is what you can focus on. Try to put the future to the side. Consider what you can do now.
First, letting her move in with her dad was brave and responsible of you. Hopefully the new school has been a new start. I say brave because again, it is hard to let her go.
Second, nine is relatively short (not to you!) time. It does give you some breathing room. You are her mother, nothing will change this. Do you communicate with her dad about her? Think what you'd like to know. Talking with him separately to discuss important information- her grades? her social adaption with classmates? Her interests and likes? In other words, things you would know if she was home. Share with her dad you care and how you want to be present in her life. Maybe this seems daunting depending on how your communication with her dad. Adjust as needed for your situation.
Third, think of how you could reach to her. Texting? Short letter? Small gift? Maybe her dad shares joined a the sport soccer. What does she use? Could you gift a water bottle? Nothing really fancy, so she might feel it isn't what she likes and it becomes another thing focus her anguish on. Maybe her favorite color?
Nine (or so) months isn't long- except to you! This is why it is hard, in part!. Your job as her mother is to go with (her) flow. Reach out constantly (birthdays, few holidays, etc...), no matter how she reacts. Part of the consistency is to decide the best amount of time to reach out to her. Esp. at first, gage how often is best.
That leaves me with one last thought. No matter what you do, she may reject what you do or even you. Be prepared for this. :-( Again, nothing will change that you are her mother. You can come here to vent, ask questions, etc...
Best wishes and hold on!
P.S... would her sisters like to draw pictures for her?
P.S S... 13 is a hard age!
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